Congratulations
by AuburnFan01
Summary: After being named Chief Resident, April find herself with no one to congratulate her. She is surprised when Stark gives his praise, sparking a friendship that blossoms into a romance she never dreamed of. April learns that it takes one comforting ear to help her feel alive again, and that there's more to Robert Stark than a cranky surgeon. April/Stark. Sequel is When Worlds Collide
1. Congratulations

"Hey."

April looked up from her laptop and offered a meek smile at her housemate and longtime friend, perhaps her only friend at the hospital after the showdown with Cristina over the patient with the tree and Stark…She didn't even want to think about that, or him, right now. "Jackson."

He scowled and sat down beside her on the couch. "You all right, April?"

"Yeah."

"Liar."

April couldn't help but smile at his blunt response coupled with a shine from his pearly blue eyes. "Jackson, really I'm fine. Go and spend some time with Lexie. I'm sure you'd like to talk to her."

"Right now I'd rather talk to _you_."

"Lexie's still doing rounds isn't she?"

"Maybe," he smiled when she chuckled. "But, seriously, April, I want to talk with you. Not Lexie, not Meredith, no one but you right now. You look like you could use a talk."

Her gaze travelled to him. "Serious?"

"Serious." He patted her knee gently. "What's the matter?"

"It's this whole chief resident thing," she admitted after a moment of silence and contemplation. "I just…It doesn't seem worth it anymore. All the trickery and backstabbing…That's not what the job is about."

"This bothers you, doesn't it?"

"Well, yeah! We should be focusing on the patients, not trying to undermine everyone else just because we want the job!" She sighed heavily and shook her head. "When did it become less and less about the patients and more and more about what we get out of it?"

"I wish I could tell you."

"You know…I don't even care if I don't win it." April looked down at her hands dejectedly. "I probably won't win it, anyway."

"Don't say that."

"It's true. Everyone thinks so."

"Yeah?" His eyebrow raised in a challenge. "And who is everyone? Cristina? Meredith? Alex?"

"Well…Yeah."

"It doesn't matter what they think, April. It matters what _Owen _thinks. He's the one picking chief resident. You impress him, you show him what a great doctor you are, and no one's opinion matters. Besides, it's all about the patient right?"

She smiled. "Right."

Jackson nodded in agreement at the quick change in her demeanor. "Good. Besides, you've got me. I think you'd make a great chief resident."

"Do you?"

"Yes, I do. And that's all you have to remember going into tomorrow, all right? Win or lose, it's about the patients and what they need from you, regardless of title."

She watched him stand up, slowly taking in his pep talk that actually made her feel better. "Hey, Jackson?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

* * *

><p>There it was, right in front of her. For a moment April thought her legs would buckle beneath her. Jackson had been right. Owen's opinion was the only one that mattered, and he had picked her. <em>Her, to be chief resident! <em>The thought made her want to jump for joy like she had when they won the trauma simulation. It didn't matter to her that everyone around didn't support the decision; Meredith had rolled her eyes, Cristina had stormed away, and Alex…She hadn't quite seen his reaction, but she didn't care.

She was chief resident!

And no one around her cared. Not that she could blame them, really. With the amount of casualties on that plane, she surprised herself at her enthusiasm and joy. But it would have been nice to have one person, just one, congratulate her on her success. When none came, she gave up with a sigh and continued with the rest of her responsibilities.

* * *

><p>The on-call room was the most irritating room in the entire hospital, April had decided early on in her residency. All it housed were horny doctors, hoping to get it on in privacy, even though the entire hospital knew exactly what was going on behind the locked door. Did they have any self control? April had waited for twenty-eight years—possibly longer—and they couldn't wait for a few hours to get home?<p>

The stereotype of horny doctors was shaken, momentarily, when the light to the on-call room was off, which to her, meant that no one was in there. She could finally have a moment in peace, away from all the cold stares and pain that had engulfed the hospital ever since the shooting. It seemed like a suitable outlet: a cold, dark room, with no one to berate her, or even congratulate her.

April realized quickly, as she opened the door, that she had miscalculated. The room was not vacant, but occupied. He lay peacefully on the cot, his hands behind his head, as he stared up at the ceiling mindlessly. With a scowl, April considered walking away and not even acknowledging his presence, like he had done to her so many times. But she couldn't; after all, if she couldn't keep her eyes off him while she considered the possibilities of "what if," then how could she ignore him now? Besides, the blank look on his face surprised her. The last time he had surprised her was when a small hint of charm emulated from his icy exterior during one of their "dates." It seemed only fair that she follow the trail now.

"Dr. Stark?"

His head tilted toward her before he gazed up at the ceiling again. "Something I can help you with, Dr. Kepner?"

His snarky tone didn't stop her; she closed the door gently and sat on the cot adjacent to him, curling her leg under the other. He still wouldn't look at her, but she knew he could see her. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, Dr. Kepner." He rolled his eyes. "Shouldn't you be doing rounds instead of talking to me?"

"I'm on a break."

"Hm, well…You might not want to waste your break talking to me, then. Why don't you run off with one of your _younger _colleagues?"

She had hurt him, badly. His cold and bitter tone was proof of that, but she thought they had crossed this bridge earlier. His desire to revisit it troubled her slightly. "You're not a bad person to talk to, Dr. Stark."

He didn't respond, but she saw his arm twitch slightly as he grew uncomfortable. "Can I lie here in peace?"

"Sure."

Her quick response stunned him slightly, so much that he looked at her completely. He instantly regretted it. She had changed since he saw her last, and she was even more beautiful now. The way her hair fell on her shoulder entranced him. Stark forced himself to look away, angry at how simply she could affect him. Soon, silence took hold and he continued to stare at the ceiling. It wasn't long, however, before he looked at her again. "Something the matter, Kepner."

"No."

"Really? You keep staring at me." He hadn't meant for that to come out so angrily or so maliciously; when it happened, he sighed heavily and sat up, putting his weight on his hands. "Kepner?"

"Dr. Stark?"

"Stop staring at me."

Her face twisted into a soft smirk and she shook her head gently. "What else am I going to stare at? The floor?"

"Yes."

"Can I ask you something, Dr. Stark?"

"It seems you already have," he answered bitterly, angry that his few moments of solitude and peace were taken away from him by a woman who "just wanted to be friends." He had made it clear to her that he had wanted more, and here she sat, trying to make an attempt at friendship. Did she not realize how much he cared for her, how much he wanted her on so much more than a platonic level?

April accepted his snarky tone; she had grown used to actually. Before it had pissed her off, but now—after today—she was took flustered to even care. "What did you do before you were the Chief of Pediatrics?"

Her question stunned him. "I…I was a surgeon."

"Well, I know that, but…Were you anything else? Like Chief of Surgery or something like that?"

"No. I was just a surgeon. I've spent decades in pediatrics, Dr. Kepner. Eventually that begins to mean something. Why?"

She shrugged and looked at her hands. "No reason."

The answer didn't work on him, just like it hadn't worked on Jackson. Stark swung his legs around the cot and continued to stare at her, trying to figure her out through the silence. "Dr. Kepner, why do you want to know?"

"It feels weird."

He would give her that. This close proximity between them…He didn't like it. He could faintly smell her perfume, and it was enough to drive him insane. "What does?"

"Being chief resident."

"You got the chief resident position?"

"You know, some might find that much surprise as offensive, Dr. Stark," April told him with a dark scowl.

He shook his head. "No, no. I…I knew you'd get the job."

"Did you?"

"Yeah," he answered, smiling. "I just…I don't know. I guess I was surprised that I was right."

"That doesn't sound to me like something you experience every day."

"No. Normally I know when I'm right." He smiled and chuckled softly before he made the decision to move beside her. It was easier that way, anyway, to shake her hand. At least, that was the justification he gave himself when the scent of her perfume grew stronger. Stark extended his hand to her; her hand was warm in his, her touch foreign yet exquisite. For a moment, he thought he couldn't muster any words. "Congratulations, Dr. Kepner."

"Thank you." April continued to shake his hand, even as her gratitude ended. Their eyes locked for a moment, and panic set in before she realized he wasn't going to kiss her. He wasn't going to make her uncomfortable in any way. That had been clear during their "dates," which she realized now, was probably why he hadn't made a move for a month. He didn't want to rush her, like he didn't want to force her now.

"Dr. Stark?"

"Yeah?"

"I kind of need my hand my back." She smiled when he immediately released her hand and an uncomfortable look spread across his face. He refused to look at her now, in humiliation and awkwardness, and she couldn't help but smile. When he wasn't hiding behind his snarky behavior, he truly was a charming man, one she had grown to like. Underneath all the cold exterior was a man, simply, who had emotions just like hers…who was alone in this hospital, just like she was.

"Well…" He stood up. "Congratulations again, Dr. Kepner. You deserve it, and…The hospital is lucky to have you as chief resident."

His sincerity reminded her so much of the time when they were hanging out; there were no tricks with him, no games, and certainly no backstabbing. He was straight with her, always had been. For a moment she wondered why she had broken things off with him in the first place when she remembered that he wanted more, something she was not yet ready to give. But April found herself smiling at him despite the icy stare that melted whenever he looked at her.

"Thank you, Dr. Stark."

He nodded and left her in the on-call room—without making a single move like all the other doctors, like Alex—and she found herself once again alone, although content. April couldn't help but grin. He had made her feel...She couldn't find the words to describe something she had never experienced before. Although, it faintly registered to her as happiness, subtle and faint as it was.


	2. Just Friends

Part of him hated what she did to him. He had opened himself to her, shown her that there was more to himself than a cranky grouch—Grinch, was the rumor among the residents—and the moment she had rejected his advances, he had shut her down. He put up a wall around himself that was covered in nastiness and contempt. Now, he realized as he stared at her from the second floor, that it was all a mask. A mask that he worked hard to protect because no one could see his emotions…see how badly he had hurt himself.

If there was one thing that Stark knew about himself, it was that when he opened himself up, he fell hard and fast. It didn't help his predicament that April had proven to be so much more than anything he had ever anticipated, during their brief period of stringing him along as well as after. He could vividly remember how she had looked their first date—a movie and dinner, no different from what he had proposed when she had shot him down so suddenly; Her clothing was simple: slacks and a nice shirt (he didn't particularly follow fashion, all he knew was that she looked good enough for him). Stark had loved it. She had looked beautiful to him even in scrubs, and to see her in normal clothes…? Her personality, too, had captured his attention, especially her insatiable need to learn more and accomplish everything she possibly could for the good her patient. She had proved through their conversations steadfast and loyal, and everything he had ever looked for.

And now….Now he had been so close_, so close, _to touching her…kissing her.

Stark forced the thought from his mind; there was no point in dreaming for the impossible. She had made it clear to him, when she avoided his eyes nervously, and fed him the "just friends" spiel that there would never be anything more. Of course, he had thought, for a moment, that maybe it was possible. Maybe he would see regret in her eyes after a few days passed. He had seen nothing; no regrets or sadness shimmered in her eyes, just an irritation at his refusal to even acknowledge her presence, which was a bad move on his part, he would admit. It was the only thing he could do to get her out of his mind, to forget that he had ever exposed himself and been burned. So, he had ignored her, had treated her _exactly _like he treated all the other residents, and he tried to forget about the beautiful woman who had brought him back to life…had given him a reason to hope. After all, she was the woman who had changed his mind, a feat no one had accomplished in ten years. That had to count for something in his book.

Maybe that's where he had gone wrong, Stark thought with a sigh as he watched her laugh heartedly with her other _younger _colleagues. Stark realized now that he was straightforward—perhaps too much so. Who was he kidding? A dinner date transforming into a movie date at his place? He should have known that she wouldn't have gone for it; he had just not wanted to see what was right in front of him. In all honestly, he had seen it in her eyes the moment the suggestion spewed out. The way she nervously looked away…he should have recognized right then and there that he was pushing for more than she was willing to give. Maybe that's why her rejection hadn't surprised him, because he had known deep down, that he was asking for too much.

After all, the age was a big thing; no matter who said age was just a number…They had different paths in life. She now embarked on a track that he had gone through and mulled over years ago; they certainly wanted different things. No matter that, no matter the age or the fact that she was so beautiful he could stare at her and not be bored or even that they worked together, they wanted different things. He wanted more, she wanted less. He wanted her, she wanted…Well, he couldn't tell what she wanted anymore, not with the way she intruded on his personal space and smiled at him like…Like she saw him as more than just a friend.

Stark had to get her out of his head; he couldn't do this to himself anymore. Staring at her now, pining away from a safe distance, certainly wasn't healthy. It was a distraction, too, from his work. During an intense surgical procedure this morning, all he could think about was her, and how well she'd be doing assisting him or how many questions she'd ask because there was so much she wanted to learn. Stark hadn't been able to focus, and that was unacceptable.

Ignoring her and treating her like everyone else wasn't enough, anymore; it only made things worse, made him want her more because she wouldn't put up with his bullshit. She had proven her strength and resolve when she stood up to him for the patient from Africa, when she had made that porridge. He had tried so hard that day to ignore her and his instincts to apologize; he was certain that it hurt more to hurt her than to deal with her still biting rejection of his advances.

He needed to put an end to this, he just wasn't sure he could do it, not with the way she casually stared up at him and caught his eye for a moment before Miranda Bailey stole her attention and ushered her away to perform more chief resident duties.

His resolve had crumbled; she drove him to a weak mess, and he hated her for it. With a sigh, he closed the charts shut and leaned against the railing gently, wondering exactly how he was going to handle the feelings that echoed loudly in his ears. Part of him didn't want to deal with it; if he had his way, he'd shove the emotions into a corner until he was ready to engage in fierce combat with them. April wouldn't let him—although she probably didn't know that. He looked at her and wanted…He wanted her. It only made sense that he wanted something he could never have, not in the way he wanted to have it, at least.

"Dr. Stark?"

Stark scowled at the interruption of his thoughts, though he welcomed it. Any break was good for him now, anything to stop thinking about April. "Dr. Robbins, I thought you had the day off?"

"Eh," she slid beside him and stared down at the nurses' station. "I had some checkups I had to do. What about you?"

"Me?"

"Yes," she answered, smiling, glad she could see him now in a new light. "You. You're leaving for Boston for that seminar, aren't you?"

"I am," he acknowledged, remembering now that he had yet to pack. "Tomorrow morning, actually."

"Wanted to get some rounds in before then?"

"Something like that."

Arizona smiled at him; he was her superior—though she had detested him in the beginning—but now she had grown to respect. After everything he ahd done through Sophia, especially during that tense surgery and allowing her to even be in the same room, she could stare at him now with no contempt. He had earned her respect that day, if nothing else, because he cared for his "little humans", too. "Can I give you a piece of advice, Dr. Stark?"

"I wasn't aware that I needed advice, Dr. Robbins."

"You need to stop staring at her, Dr. Stark," Arizona told him despite the snarky tone; she had grown to respect the defense mechanism from him, too. When he stared at her quickly, she shrugged. "If you want her, go get her."

He fidgeted slightly. "It's not that easy."

"Why not?"

"Because she wants to be just friends, and…I want more." God, he couldn't believe he was talking with Arizona Robbins about his love life. Were it anyone else, he was certain he would have snapped and told them that they had no business meddling and that he could handle it himself.

"That doesn't mean that one day she might not want more."

"I'm not patient."

Arizona laughed. "Please. You waited an entire month and didn't make a move."

"How did you hear about that?"

"It was Callie's baby shower. Everyone at the hospital heard about it, Dr. Stark."

Stark sighed and rolled his eyes in agitation; no wonder she had broken things off so suddenly, with the entire hospital staff on her back about whatever it was they were doing. "That was just being a gentlemen, you know getting to know someone before things turned physical."

"And now that you've gotten to know her, you want…physical?"

"Yes."

"And she doesn't?"

"Yes."

His heartbroken tone stunned her, mostly because she never knew a heart existed in his chest before the whole crisis with baby Sophia. Arizona found herself smiling despite his apparent distress as he leaned his head against his hands with a weary face. "Dr. Stark?"

"Yes?"

"What's wrong with being just friends?"

"Because…." Stark looked at Arizona. "I look at her and I don't see a friend, I see someone more than that. And…I can't just stick around hoping for her to come around. It's one way or it's not, and I'm too old to play little kid games. I don't beat around the bush."

"Not everything is so black-and-white, Dr. Stark. They call it grey for a reason."

"So what are you suggesting?"

"Give friendship a chance." When she saw he was going to rebut, she told him, "Just a chance. Try it out. There can't be any harm in that, can there?"

"Sure there could. I could get my heart broken…again."

Arizona sighed at his sad eyes which she had never seen before, something she never wanted to see again, not from him anyway. If he could normally remain calm and collected with his emotions and be reduced to this, she didn't have any hope for herself. "You can't know if you never try, Dr. Stark."

"Dr. Robbins?"

Arizona spun around to face him before she had walked completely away from him. "Yes, Dr. Stark?"

"What do I do if I find that friends isn't enough anymore?"

"Well, you're already there aren't you?"

He scowled. "I suppose."

"And what is your heart telling you?"

Stark scowled again and scratched his head thoughtfully before he answered what he already knew. "That I need to be a gentleman and respect her wishes even though I don't have the best track record _and _it kills me to accept 'just friends.'"

"Remember…" Arizona smiled when he scowled again at her advice, "Be a gentleman."

"Yeah." That was harder than he thought it would be; he discovered early on that it was difficult to be a gentleman when his heart was crushed. All he really wanted to do was fight and run away, so to stand beside her and remain a gentleman through the pain and the longing…It was something he had never done before. Maybe Arizona was right. Maybe…Maybe it would be worth it in the end.

* * *

><p>They were in a close proximity again in the elevator; Stark had to admit that he liked it more here than he did in the on-call room. There were beds in the on-call room where he could let his dreams run rampant. Here, in the cramped elevator that was lit with florescence, he couldn't dream. Stark only was hit with the realization that they weren't alone and any minute someone could walk in. That was enough to quell his thoughts and put his mind at ease calmly. Still, standing beside her proved difficult. His body tensed and his throat closed, as if he was filled with words that he wanted to say but couldn't muster.<p>

April ended the thick silence. "Congratulations today, Dr. Stark."

He scowled at her and shoved his hands in his pockets. "I beg your pardon?"

"I heard…About the seminar that you're taking to Boston tomorrow. That's a big deal."

"Groundbreaking surgical procedures tend to be big deals." He smiled when she laughed, glad she hadn't taken his joking sarcasm as something more malicious like anyone else would have. "But, yes, I am leaving tomorrow morning."

"How long will you be gone?"

"A day," he answered with a shrug, watching the numbers on the elevator slowly tick down as it brought them closer to the ground. "Why?"

April shrugged. "No reason."

He was about to rebut, like he had done that moment in the on-call room when he suspected there was more for her questioning, but the moment of privacy between them was gone when the elevator doors swung open and in walked a couple of nurses fresh off their completed twelve hour shift. Stark gave them a slight nod in acknowledgment before he leaned against the wall of the elevator. Though he continued to watch the elevator, he felt her eyes on him the entire time, soft yet nervous, though the entire world rested on her next decision.

He couldn't look at her; he wouldn't let himself look at her again and allow himself to get lost in the adorable smile she'd flash for no apparent reason other than blatant optimism. Stark's resolve began to wane dangerously thin until he sighed heavily in relief when they hit the ground floor. The nurses were the first ones off followed by April and then himself. Stark had to stop himself from running into her when she suddenly turned around as soon as they had gotten off to stare at him. He eyed her closely, scowling slightly, and crossed his arms over his chest in defiance—or protection, he wasn't sure with her anymore.

"Dr. Kepner?"

Her mouth opened slightly like she wanted to say something; quickly, she shut it nervously. Her eyes moved up and down his body before she finally rested on his face. "Have a safe trip."

"No, I'm going to put myself in danger." She only scowled at him, indicating to him that she had not understood. "It…It was a joke, Dr. Kepner. You know, sarcasm?"

"It doesn't suit you."

"Oh? And what does?"

"Sincerity," she answered. "Even if you're being…"

Stark's eyebrow raised with a smirk as she instantly stopped talking and looked away from him. "Even when I'm being a heartless wretch to my residents?"

"No."

Stark nodded in understanding. "Well, have a good night, Dr Kepner. Drive safe, all right?"

"Oh, I'm not driving."

"You're not?"

"Car broke down," she offered with a shrug. "So…So I took a bus here from my place."

"Do the buses run this early?"

"Probably not."

"So…What are you going to do?" He was concerned, no doubt; not only did he not trust a crowded bus in the middle of this late at night, but he didn't trust _her _safety on a bus this late, not with her looks and with what people were capable of these days. Life certainly as safe as it used to be, that's for sure.

"Take a cab."

"No."

"No?"

"Yes," he answered with a nod. "You shouldn't…I…I'll give you a ride home. You shouldn't be…"

"Shouldn't be what?"

"Never mind."

April smiled when he looked away from her down at his feet; she could tell he hadn't meant to be so forward, that he had just blurted it out. If she could relate to anything in this hospital, it was that. In fact, this situation felt similarly like when she rejected him, in action if not in speech. Stark still wouldn't look at her. "Dr. Stark?"

Finally, his eyes met hers, soft and vulnerable. "The offer's open if you want it. It's certainly faster than taking a cab—and it's free."

"You'd have to let me pay for gas."

"It's not out of my way." It really was, but for her…to be in such close proximity with her once more…He could go out of his way; maybe Arizona was right. If he wanted anything with her, he'd have to go out of his way, stretch his limits and his boundaries, all for her.

"You sure?"

"Positive."

The drive to Meredith's house was quick, but it wasn't filled with awkward silence like Stark had feared. April had asked him about his upcoming seminar and what was actually happening, and he answered her in earnest; it felt ironic to him, that it was work and their colleagues that had caused them to separate and here it was drawing them back together again as their conversation was vibrant and enthusiastic. He didn't want the conversation to end, and held back a sigh as he pulled up to the house.

April turned to him with a smile. "Thank you, Dr. Stark."

"Robert."

Her eyebrows raised at his shift. "Really? Because earlier when we were talking and I—"

"At work it's formal. Out here, it's not."

When he didn't offer any more explanation because it was so simple, she shrugged and smiled again. "Okay. Well, thank you, again."

"You're welcome."

"Have a good night, and…A safe trip." When he only smiled at her in response, she exited his car. It became obvious to her that he would not leave until he was certain she was inside the house safely; April smiled and waved as soon as she had the door open. She watched him drive away and continued to smile as she shut the door behind her, safe again in her own home.

Robert.

Maybe there was hope for them yet.


	3. Turn Back Time

**A/N: I know that the weather was nice out during the last episodes; at least, that's what I'm assuming since Arizona and Callie's wedding was outside. All that really indicates is that it wasn't winter. For this chapter, it is…More specifically, Christmas.**

**Oh, and thanks so much for the reviews! They are greatly appreciated!**

"You know, April, I happen to think that there's a lot of irony here."

Stark shook his head with a chuckle and slowly sipped his coffee. Days had passed after his return from his seminar, and he had done what Arizona suggested. He was trying to be friends with her. Stark realized now that being friends with her wasn't the difficult part; he loved being around her, talking to her, and listening to her optimistic thoughts and ideas—especially when it revolved around complex surgical procedures and how she could make the patients the most comfortable. No, the hard part was figuring out how to shut his brain off to a romantic connection, to being around her and resisting the urge to show her exactly how he felt.

Miraculously, he was doing it; apparently well, too, because she had agreed to a coffee "date"—she had made it clear that this wasn't a date-date when he picked her up—and hadn't run away from him in nervous fear, or whatever had flashed in her eyes when he had suggested watching the movie at his place. She sat across from him with her coffee, smiling as if he had told her the funniest joke ever. Maybe it was amusing to her, his predicament; he could see the humor, but was in no mood to laugh at it.

"Why?"

"Well, because—you know—I am the Grinch, aren't I?" He smiled when she blushed in mortification that he knew about her little nickname.

"Oh, God…I—"

"Don't apologize," he told her with a wave of her hand. "You know I love being compared to a green, furry man that lives on top of Mount Crumpet in Whoville."

"You've seen the movie?"

"I'm a pediatric surgeon," Stark commented dryly. "There was a time in my career when that was all the kids wanted to watch post-op. Plus, I have a niece who loves that movie. When I was on babysitting duty, that's all we watched."

"Fun."

Stark shrugged and felt his gaze shift to the snow outside that reflected the sun. "I know every line of the movie, so…I suppose something good came out of it."

"How did you get wrangled in to being Santa Claus this year?"

"I'm the head of pediatrics," Stark answered with a shrug. "I suppose the kids know me…? I don't really know, nor do I care. I just don't want to do it."

"Aw, you don't want to see the faces of the little kids when you bring them presents?"

"I'm the Grinch, remember? They'll be lucky if I don't steal their toys." He smiled when she shook her head, chuckling. "Have you seen the movie, April?"

"No. Well…I've seen the cartoon one, at least."

"Well, you're not missing anything from the one with Jim Carrey save a few funny remarks," Stark told her with a smile, remembering all the times he had been forced to sit down and watch the children's movie with a bitter taste of frustration in his mouth. He didn't hate the movie; it was like with food. The more he watched it, the more he got sick of it. He wasn't sure he could sit through one more showing without losing his mind.

"I'll have to watch it the next time I visit my nieces and nephews, then. You know, I can't see you as Santa Claus."

"I can't either, trust me. It was not a goal to which I aspired."

"Hey, Santa is revered by many children out there. They see him and are immediately happy and hopeful."

"Which is why Santa shouldn't be me," he told her with a chuckle. "They should have someone more aesthetically pleasing, not the Grinch."

"Robert."

Her hand reached across the table to touch his comfortingly—in a friendly manner, he knew—and he couldn't help but feel his heart skip a beat at the contact between them. It was subtle, but it counted. She was making contact; he forced himself to look at her face and not the heat which resulted from their joined hands. "April?"

"I really am sorry about that. It…" April sighed and decided honesty was the best policy. "It was something I told in confidence and you were never supposed to hear about it."

"I understand."

"Do you?" April inspected him closer, the way he looked at her like he was bracing himself for some catastrophe. "Because the last thing that I want, as your friend, is for you to feel uncomfortable."

_Too late,_ he thought wryly to himself. If it were a different time and a different place, he would have pulled his hand away already. "I appreciate that."

"Forgiven?"

"Yes." He forced himself to smile when she pulled away happily with a smile. "Can't say I blame you, though. I really did come off as a grouch, didn't I?"

"You rubbed some people the wrong way, certainly."

Stark chuckled. "People hated me…Some still do."

"Like who? Dr. Robbins has a lot of nice things to say about you."

"Eh…Karev, and…Karev."

April smiled. "He just doesn't like you because you don't want to work with him and he much rather prefers Dr. Robbins."

"Well, I was quite a big shift, I'll give him that."

April nodded in agreement and decided not to say more. If she was honest with him, she would tell him that she didn't have such a high opinion of him to begin with, either—after all, she had almost had sex with Karev in the on-call room. She had considered him snarky and mean—a bastard if the word suited her—and now she sat here with him, perhaps her one friend at the hospital, to drink coffee. If anyone had told her this would be happening months ago, she would have laughed hysterically. "Well, everyone—besides Karev—seems to respect you."

"I guess what they say about respect is true."

"What's that?"

"You can't start out with it, you have to earn it." Stark smiled and stirred his coffee gently. "Suppose it was bad of me to just demand respect from everyone? Egotistical to assume?"

"No."

"No?"

April shook her head. "You're the Chief of Pediatric Surgery. That title in itself demands respect."

"Just like chief resident?"

"Yeah…" Her head bowed down to her coffee as she looked away from him. "I think I'm going to have to make them respect me. Something tells me it won't come easy."

"You're a fighter, April."

"Think so?"

Stark nodded. "Look at it this way: if you can stand up to me the cold, heartless wretch who cuts girls' legs off and doesn't give a damn about what others think of him, then you can sure as hell stand up to Alex Karev, Meredith Grey, and Cristina Yang."

"Thank you, Robert."

He still liked hearing her say his name. Time and pain hadn't changed that. "And, if you need any help, I'll give you a few pointers on how to handle misbehavers effectively."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Does…Our friendship…This doesn't mean that you're going to start favoring me at work or anything, right?"

He had favored her back when there was hope for something more, but he hadn't done it because there was that possibility. Stark wouldn't favor her now because they were friends. "April, if I favor you it's because you deserve it and you're hardworking, not because of our…friendship. You're a fantastic doctor, and I'll treat you as such."

"Still going to treat me like you treat all the other residents?"

He had hoped she would overlook his past actions toward her, his way of putting up a wall to shield himself from more pain because back then...the sight of her felt like a knife in his heart. It was misguided, his way of coping, but he had done it. Stark couldn't change that, no matter how much he regretted it and wished he could turn back time. "I've been meaning to apologize to you about all that, April. It really was unfair of me to-to treat you that way."

"Forget about it."

"I can't."

April reached over to take his hand again; she stroked it gently until he looked at her. "For our friendship, will you be willing to possibly try?"

"For our friendship?"

"Yes."

Stark smiled and stared down at their joined hands, fighting the urge to twist his hand and actually hold her hand in his own. Forcing himself to look up at her, he smiled at her eager eyes and patient face. "I think I can do that."

* * *

><p>"How did you manage to get someone else to wear the Christmas costume instead of you, Dr. Stark?" April asked as she placed a few charts next to him on his desk. He looked up at her blankly, as if he hadn't been paying attention, so she repeated her question.<p>

"You're handling your Chief Resident duties well, Kepner."

"And you're avoiding the question, Dr. Stark."

"Don't you have some more charts that need to be taken care of, Dr. Kepner?"

"All done for right now."

"Ah, and you had nothing better to do tan to talk with me?"

His refusal to look at her and continue to treat her like any other resident made her smile. It was all a facade, that much she had learned from their conversations. He didn't want to talk about the Santa suit, so he shut her down and reverted back to standard conversation between them. "You know, Dr. Stark, you can't avoid me forever."

"Is that a challenge?"

April chuckled. "Well, I'll get out of your way. I just wanted to give you the scheduling chart that you requested."

"Thank you."

April nodded. "Hey, are you going to be at the Christmas party for all the little kids?"

"The one tonight?"

"Yes," April answered. "You know, the one you were supposed to be Santa Claus for."

"Seems no real reason to now. I'm not Santa Claus."

"Oh, I forgot. You're the Grinch."

Stark laughed ad the nickname that had—at first—offended him but he didn't mind it so much anymore. It was a cute little pet-name between them, their own personal inside joke in their friendship, and he liked it almost as much as when she addressed him by his first name. Stark surprised himself with how well he was handling this "just friends" situation. To him, he was handling it with finesse and charm. If he wasn't mistake, he would actually suppose that she was opening up to him more, talking to him like he really was her friend. Stark supposed now, that friendship was better than nothing. He sure was glad he didn't have to put up a genuinely cold front with her anymore. It was hell treating her like he didn't care about her; now he just had to tone it down, not halt his feelings completely.

"And don't ever forget it." He smiled. "There really isn't a good reason for me to go."

"I'll be there."

Did she not know that a person isn't supposed to flirt with friends unless it was joking—and even then that was pushing the envelope a little to far depending on the friend, especially if of the opposite sex. Maybe he could fight fire with fire. He stared up at her, noting a soft twinkle in her eye. "Well, that is a good enough reason to go then, isn't it?"

"You know it."

"So…I'll see you at the party, then?"

"You'd better."

Stark took a moment to reflect on their conversation before he turned back to his work; it was no use. He couldn't get her out of his head, even as friends. He seriously hoped this would just end soon and time would wash away all his romantic feelings for her. He was doing as Arizona suggested, and was trying; now all he could do was hope that trying was enough and eventually he would see some results from his attempts.

* * *

><p>"Dr. Stark, I don't think you're going to find life answers in there."<p>

He looked up from the apple cider in his hand and smiled at Arizona. "Sure worth a shot, don't you think?"

"Well for one, it's not clear, and second, a lot of people do life's hard thinking in the shower, not staring down at a cup of apple cider during Christmas time."

"I do all my hard thinking after I do a surgery."

"Ah, and you didn't do any surgeries today, did you?"

"No."

"What is it that you're thinking so hard about?" Arizona pulled the chair closer to the table so she could rest her arms on it without much of a strain. The entire place around them was packed with children and their laughter; she had to admit that she loved the sound of it, though it made her miss Sophia terribly.

"Friendship."

"Ah. Still having some trouble there?"

"Yes," he answered sadly. "It's just…Moving on is a lot harder than I thought it would be, you know?"

"Sadly, I do."

"I'm trying. That has to count for something, right?"

"Does she have any idea that you want something more?"

"I think so. I mean, I've made it obvious in the past. It's not like I was subtle about that. But now…I'm doing my best to keep a respectable distance."

"That's all you can do. It's going to take time."

"You know, she does little things that remind me of when we were dating. I mean, it's not much. A smile here or a little comment there, but it just brings me back to when there was no tiptoeing, just sweet, ignorant bliss on my part."

"Would you rather be kept in the dark?"

"It was nice, that's for sure."

Arizona chuckled and sighed; no one around them was really paying attention. The people who were around them were parents who were conversing with each other and sharing stories. In fact, she couldn't recall seeing many other doctors around here besides Stark, April, Jackson, and a few others nurses whose names she had forgotten. "But that was fantasy, not reality."

"So?"

"You don't peg me as the kind of man who lives in fantasy. You're too blunt for that."

Stark scoffed. "You also didn't peg me as a man who had a heart, either."

"This is true," Arizona acknowledged with a nod and a smile. She reached over and patted his arm gently, in a friendly manner. "You'll be fine, Dr. Stark. You will."

"I'm glad you have faith in me."

"Obviously April has some faith in you, too," Arizona commented quietly as she stood up and walked away. Stark watched her leave, taking in her soft words of support, and he couldn't help but smile. There was a moment in time when she was his enemy, a colleague who he would butt heads with. All that had changed with Sophia, when he had proven the entire hospital that he wasn't some malicious robot and actually had a heart beating in his chest. April had proven to everyone, too, that his heart could be broken. If there was any reservation at all about this entire "friendship" it was that the entire hospital had known, and he same thing—the humiliation—could happen again.

Stark knew even that wasn't enough to keep him away, to stop him from wanting more; he would have to find some distance between them because the more he spent time with her, the more the feelings started to creep out from the little box he had attempted to shove them in. He realized know that his feelings were like a little kid in timeout, always trying to get out and the end result would be being put back in timeout or letting the child run around as he wished.

Stark wasn't sure which one he wanted. He knew he had to stop them from running all over the place, however, if he wanted any sort of relationship with April—as platonic as that relationship may be. Maybe he'd try finding someone to date, seriously. There was no reason why he couldn't, right? It's not like he and April were anything. Besides, he told himself, maybe the best way to move on was to literally attempt to move on. His brother had been trying to convince him to go speed dating with him, which was something he had never done before.

Suddenly the chaos which swirled around the partying became too much for him; after all, Christmas was no fun when spent alone. He had to excuse himself from the party, if just for a minute, to take a breather. Anything to get away from the cheery music and raucous laughter. Scowling as he walked from the room to his office, Stark realized that maybe he was turning into the Grinch. As he had hoped, no one was in the office and he could have some peace and quiet away from all the noise. Sighing, Stark closed the door gently, took off his long lab coat, and relaxed against the plush swivel chair. He loosened his tie and spun around so he was facing his dark computer screen, his reflection shining brightly back at him.

This certainly was better than drowning himself in apple cider; at least now he was comfortable, serene in the one area of life that was simple. Cutting, surgery, it was black-and-white; there were rules to surgery. With no rules to life, he found himself in a hypnotic state. Here, he found peace, safe in the certainy. He was so comfortable, in fact, that he didn't even hear his office door open.

"Hey."

Her voice was soft, nonintrusive despite her actions. Stark looked up at her as she shut the door, suddenly feeling like he was feeling from a building and it was his choice whether or not to pull the parachute open and save himself when no one else would. "Oh. Hey."

April bit her lip as if she wanted to speak but then thought better of her decision. She could only stare at his profile, wondering why he was staring so fixedly at a blank computer screen, like it held all the answers to life. "Are you all right?"

"Fine, Kepner."

"You don't sound fine."

Stark spun his chair around so he faced her. He leaned forward slightly; the movement seemed to startle her because he could see her body instantly tense up and the look was back in her eyes, the look that told him she had something to say but was too nervous to say it. "Are _you _all right?"

"Y-Yes."

Stark murmured softly and told her softly, "I came in here to get away from all the noise out there."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go. I didn't mean to—"

"I didn't say you were making noise, Kepner," Stark told her gently, in the same tone that he had told Arizona to stay on the cell phone during Sophia's surgery. "I just said I couldn't handle all the noise _out there_. It's actually quite peaceful in here." At least, it was, until she came him and knocked him off his balance.

"Silence generally is."

"So…" He watched her closely as she moved to grab the seat in the corner, swinging it around so she the back faced him; Stark waited until she had rested her arms on the back before he said anything more. "What's your excuse?"

"It's been a long day." April wasn't lying there; after surgeries and surgeries, it had to be one of the longest days of the week; for the first time today, she felt serenity sitting with him.

"So why don't you go home?"

"No reason why I can't stay and enjoy the festivities," she answered with a shrug. "Besides, it's nothing that a coffee won't fix."

"I'm sure there's some out there if—"

"No, I'm good." April looked at him closely. There was so much that she wanted to say to him, but she didn't have the courage, like how great his cologne smelled from this small distance or how much she loved the soft stubble that was growing on his cheek from a lack of shaving, or even the way his tie was casually loosened from a hard day's work. "I'm off tomorrow anyway."

"Are you?"

"Yeah. Thinking about just taking a relaxing day. You know, not do anything but curl up on the couch with a book."

"Not really, but all right." He smiled when she chuckled. "What are you reading?"

"I don't know. I just find a nice romance novel. Those normally take me a day to finish, depending on the book. You don't like to read?"

"No, I love it. I just…I don't always have time for it, unfortunately." He shrugged. "But it's all right. I always catch up on my reading eventually."

"Do you have to work tomorrow?"

"Unfortunately, yes," Stark answered and smiled. "I have the Washington surgery tomorrow."

"The kid with the tumor?"

"Yeah. And then I have meetings and consultations. It'll be another long day tomorrow, too."

"So then why don't _you _go home and get some rest?" She could picture him curling up on the couch with a beer, watching the sports channel until he fell asleep; immediately, April forced the thought out of her head. Seeing him in that light was…dangerous.

Stark shrugged again and looked down at his twisted hands. "Can't bring myself to go home. Lonely house and everything. Not too much to go home to around Christmas time."

"So sitting in your office alone is better?"

"Well, I'm not alone right now, am I?" He smiled when she blushed slightly and ducked her head against her arm before looking back at him again. "Well…I hate to cut this short, but I probably should be going home."

"You know, some might take your quick exits as a method of avoidance."

"I'm not trying to avoid you," Stark told her quietly, surprised and thankful that his own voice had not betrayed him. "I just…I need to be getting home to get some rest for the surgery tomorrow."

April stood and joined him as he opened the door slightly; she could vaguely feel the warmth of his hand through her shirt on the small of her back and she stopped, watching him slowly open the door for her. "Thank you."

Stark smiled gently. "You're welcome. After you."

April was about to leave before she stopped, a twinkle catching her eye. Looking up, she found herself laughing. His confused look told her that he had not yet looked up and probably wouldn't. She pointed upward to the door frame. "Mistletoe."

Stark looked to where she was pointing and grew instantly uncomfortable. Mistletoe…Just his luck. He looked back down at her and caught her eyes, patient and optimistic. With calculated thought, he leaned down and gently kissed her cheek, lingering for a moment to smell her perfume before he quickly pulled away. Stark gave her a gentle smile.

"What was that for?"

"Mistletoe…You kiss under it and…" He chuckled uncomfortably. "Well, I just assumed that friends don't…Not like that…But it was tradition, so…I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?"

"I guess that was a little…forward of me. I'm sorry, April. I don't ever want to make you uncomfortable or make you feel like I'm pushing you to do something."

"Stop apologizing for a second."

"Okay."

April couldn't help but smile at his obvious discomfort; he was so worried about her reaction that he was flustered now, something she had never seen from him before. Oddly, she had to admit that she liked it, liked that she could affect someone that way without even trying. "You didn't make me uncomfortable. It was just unexpected."

Stark stopped himself from apologizing again.

"But," she added with a soft smile after a moment, "it wasn't terrible."

"Thank you…?"

April chuckled and allowed him to shut the door, his hand leaving the small of her back. "Have a good night, Dr. Stark. Good luck tomorrow."

"I don't need luck. It's _all_ skill." He laughed as he turned around, waving a small goodbye as he walked in the opposite direction of her, away from her and his emotions for the time being. Stark felt like he had the strength to pull the parachute and save himself the second he turned away from her, hoping that was enough to stop himself from falling even more.


	4. Speed Dating

"Is there anywhere you guys don't do it?" Even though she had asked the question, loud enough for them to hear over the television, neither of them moved. April sighed heavily and threw her head back in frustration. "Guys!"

"What?" Jackson finally looked at her, irritated by the interruption.

"We've been over this! If you want to screw, go to your rooms! Don't do it in shared space!" She waved around the room frantically. "And this is shared space!"

"April—"

"Don't April me! I don't want to see you two getting it on!" She shook her head in disgust. "I mean how would you feel if I did that to you guys?"

"Do you even have—"

"I could have someone," April cut her off with a scowl. "And you wouldn't like the sight of it, either."

The comment attracted both Lexie and Jackson's attention, so much so that they separated and made room for April on the couch, who sat down beside them with a heavy, agitated sigh. Lexie placed a comforting hand on her knee, smiling brightly when she received a hot, angry stare. "Hey, April, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Liar," Jackson claimed, his stare steady and calm even when April shot him a cold glare. "It's about Stark, isn't it?"

"Wait, what's going on?" Lexie looked from Jackson to April, who continued to glare at a now smirking Jackson. "April, is something going on with Stark?"

"No," April answered coldly before she addressed Jackson. "_Nothing _is going on."

"But you want it to?"

"Jackson!"

Lexie hit her boyfriend on the arm gently, mouthing to him that he needed to leave her alone. She turned to April quickly. "Wait…Is…Is something going on between you and Stark, seriously?"

"We're just friends."

"So, then what's the problem? I thought friends was what you wanted?"

"I thought that's what I wanted, too," April admitted softly, barely audible to herself, let alone them. She closed her eyes and sighed heavily. "And now…I just don't know."

"Did he do something?"

"Jackson, don't act all big-brother like he hit her," Lexie scolded with a scowl. "Wait, he didn't hit you, did he?"

"Now who's acting all big sister like?"

"No," April cut their hypocritical, yet amusing side conversation to an end, "He didn't hit me. He would never do that."

"So," Jackson shifted uncomfortably against the fabric, "what happened then?"

"It was innocent," April said gently. "A kiss on the cheek. I mean, that's nothing. It's nothing, platonic…A kiss on the cheek!"

"And…?"

"I can't stop thinking about it," she conceded sadly. "I just…I can't get it out of my head."

"Did he kiss you?"

"Under the mistletoe." She smiled when Jackson laughed and Lexie smiled at the sweetness and corniness of the moment. "Totally amazing, right?"

"That's so sweet!" Jackson chuckled when Lexie slapped his arm again. "Seriously, April, that's…awesome?"

"No, Jackson, it's not awesome," Lexie told him. "It's terrible."

"Why?"

"Because," they had seemed to ignore her for the time being, not that April minded. It allowed her to collect her own thoughts, even though they were surrounded completely by him and what had transpired between them a few days prior. "April is trying to establish a just friends relationship, and he's not making that easy on her."

"Aw, come on, Lexie! It was a kiss on the cheek!"

"Obviously not!" Lexie rebutted. She turned to April. "I'm right, right? That didn't make this friendship easy on you?"

"Sure. Whatever." April looked at the with a smile. "It was sweet of him, though. You should have seen him. He very could have kissed me, but he didn't…And I don't know why he didn't."

"Because he doesn't want to push you," Jackson offered. "If he kissed you that would push the friendship envelope."

"You think he wants something more?"

"They always do, Lexie," Jackson offered. "But, April, that doesn't mean all he wants is sex. If he did, he would have made a move within that first month of dating."

"But he wants sex?"

"He's a man," Lexie told her, gently patting April's knee in support. "All men want sex."

"Unless they're asexual."

"Shut up!" Lexie laughed as she hit Jackson again. "You know what, why don't you go upstairs? This is girl talk."

"Oh, am I too masculine for you?"

"Jackson, just…Go!"

Jackson looked toward April for support, who only shrugged and offered him a meek smile. "I'm not leaving. April needs a man's perspective on this."

"Jackson can stay."

Lexie sighed in defeat. "All right, fine. Tell me everything that happened. And from the beginning, I don't want you to leave anything out."

"You don't think it's weird?"

"At first I did, but I'm starting to come around to it," Lexie answered, smiling. "You deserve to be happy, too."

"He makes me happy."

"So…Why don't you tell him that, then?"

"Because he wants sex and…I'm not ready to give that up yet. I don't want to give that up like it's nothing, because it's not." April sighed heavily, agitated in her confusion. "I just…I don't know anymore."

"The kiss complicates things, that's for sure."

"And I bet his entire reason from it was to make sure things weren't uncomfortable," April added. "I don't know what to do."

"Does he know?"

"Know what?"

"That you're a virgin," Jackson spat out before Lexie could continue her gentle interrogation.

"I haven't told him," April answered, her hands up in surrender. "But that doesn't mean he doesn't know. He very well could, with the rumors that swirl around this hospital."

"You should talk to him, April."

"How can I talk to him if I don't even know what I want anymore?" Relationships were so confusing; no wonder all the surgeons' relationships were based primarily on sex. There was nothing messy about it, no mixed feelings or emotions. And April thought that by separating herself from the madness that she wouldn't be sucked into the drama or a relationship. Yet here she sat, unsure of everything except that she loved spending time with Stark, with the Grinch who, for a long time, had treated her she didn't exist, like she was just another resident. April wanted to find out if that still held true, or if…maybe with him she wasn't _just _another resident.

* * *

><p>When he opened his door, he had expected to see his landlord, maybe even the pizza delivery man though he had ordered no pizza; the last person he expected to see was April Kepner, who looked absolutely amazing in jeans and a fleece, which contrasted sharply to his khakis and striped button up shirt. Despite the difference and the surprise, he found himself smiling. "April."<p>

"Robert."

"Um…I don't mean to sound rude or anything, but what are you doing here?"

"I…I don't really know."

Stark looked behind himself at the dark apartment. "I'd invite you in, but I was just about to head out."

"Oh." She looked flustered now, uncomfortable, as if she had hoped he would invite her in. "I'm sorry. I'll come back later when you aren't busy."

"You're welcome to come with, if you'd like."

"Where are you going?"

"Speed dating." It had sounded better in his head; the sound of it, the actual words, made him feel pathetic, especially since he had said them to her. She didn't like the sound, either, obviously, because she instantly scowled and looked at him like he was crazy. "There's nothing wrong with speed dating, you know."

"No, I know…I just…You?"

"You have to meet people somehow, don't you? It's kind of hard to get around when you're working twelve hour shifts constantly." Stark shrugged and pulled his jacket off the hook before he shut the door gently, locking it before he turned around to face her one more time The scowl still splayed across her face and he offered, "You…You can come with me if you want."

"You want me to go speed dating with you?"

"Moral support." He smiled, hoping that was enough to entice her. When the scowl faded and all that remained was a soft smile, he knew he had won. "All right. Let's go."

"Promise me we'll never do anything like that ever again?"

Stark laughed and shoveled a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth as they walked around the quiet park together after a horrendous debacle of speed dating. "Are you kidding? You didn't love every second of that torture?"

"I think you were the only normal person there."

"Hm, no I think the dragon lady had me beat." He smiled when she laughed and shook her head.

"Yeah, you looked like you were having fun over there."

"Oh, yeah, I love hearing about dragons and warlocks and wizards and all the other fantasy worlds out there." He shook his head, surprised at how disastrous speed dating had proven to be; the point had been missed completely, however, and he knew that because walking beside her as snowflakes slowly began to fall was enough to pull him back in, to make him feel like he hadn't pulled the cord for the parachute.

"Well, you looked interested, if that means anything."

"I think what you were seeing on my face was surprise and…confusion and fear."

April laughed. "You just didn't give them enough of a chance. One of them could have been your Mrs. Right, you know."

"I don't believe in that."

"No?"

Stark shook his head and scowled as a brain-freeze hit. "You know, I'm starting to think that this ice cream was a terrible idea, especially in winter."

April shrugged and looked down at hers. "It is kind of chilly out here."

"Are you cold?" He tossed his ice cream in the garbage can as they passed it and waited patiently for her to do the same before they started to walk again; her noise and ears had turned a soft pink from the weather and she huddled closer to her fleece that was slowly becoming white from flurries. "April?"

"Just a little," she admitted. "But I'll be all right."

Before she could reassure him any further, he had removed his coat and was in the process of draping it over his shoulders. Stark saw her about to rebut and helped her slip the sleeves on before the jacket was wrapped snugly around her. "I'll be fine, April."

"You don't have to—"

"Yes, I do." Cold air hit him and he kept himself from shivering as he shoved his hands in his pockets. It wasn't bitter out before he had the coat on, and now all he wanted to do was snuggle up against her and feel the warmth from her body transfer over to him. "Is that any better?"

"Much, thank you."

He nodded with a smile. "Good. I'm glad."

"Robert." She waited until he was looking at her. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why did you decide to try speed dating?" Even she, who had not been in many relationships herself, had known that speed dating was…different from normal dating and that it was difficult to forge a real connection within minutes.

Stark shrugged. "I figured it was a good way to meet people."

"But not just people, right?"

Stark stopped and stared at her closely, the soft look in her eyes that somewhat resembled fear and naivety. Was he sensing a bit of jealousy in her voice? "No, not just people."

April nodded slowly before she started to walk again, not really paying attention to whether he had begun to follow her or not. Instead, she ducked her head as the snow began to fall harder and shoved her hands into the warm pockets of his coat. Stark knew that once this walk was over, his coat would smell like her perfume. If he didn't think he had hallucinated the action, he could have sworn she had tucked her head slightly to smell the cologne that still lingered on his jacket.

April Kepner was difficult, and she wasn't making this easy on him as he jogged to catch up with her. "Hey, April."

Her face tilted toward him. "Yeah?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She instantly looked away from him, her way of avoiding a topic just like his was completely walking away and ignoring someone or something.

Stark wasn't falling for it this time, not when he knew that whatever she had to say was important and—most likely—about him and their situation. There was a glimmer of hope sparking in his heart that maybe, through the time they had spent together, she was slowly starting to change her mind. "April, what is it?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Her eyes were serious, as cold as the weather around him; Stark felt himself shiver, more from her words and rejection than the bitter wind that made him feel completely naked in clothes that offered no warmth or comfort. Instead of pushing the topic which she clearly was uncomfortable with, he offered, "Why don't I get you back home? It's too cold to be walking around out here."

She didn't fight him as he led her out of the park.

* * *

><p>If Stark had known she was never going to leave his apartment, he would have at least tided up the place a little better, made sure there wasn't random dishes lying around or clothes anywhere. But, as soon as they had entered the apartment so she could put his coat away, she had asked him if she could stay awhile—mostly because she didn't want to go home to the two lovers getting it on in shared space. Stark could understand her discomfort, and it wasn't like he minded her company at all. But, still, he would have cleaned up better had he known. As he poured her a glass of wine, he found himself apologizing profusely for the dishes that racked his kitchen sink.<p>

She only smiled at him, accept the glass with a nod of gratitude. "Your place is fine, Robert."

Stark found himself smiling; that would never get old or annoying to his ears. "Yeah, well…I'm allowed to have feelings of humiliation sometime. I am human."

"Hm, contrary to popular belief?"

"Oh, yeah," he answered with a chuckle as he poured himself a glass. "You're welcome to sit on the couch if you'd like."

April turned to eye the couch, a feeling of discomfort settling in her stomach; it was innocent enough, his suggestion, and suddenly she flashed back to Alex Karev and everyone laughing and making fun of her, telling her that night her "pants would be coming off" and he'd try to sleep with her. Panic set in quickly, so swift that she found herself downing the entire glass to relieve some of the pressure. When none of it had escaped and instead builded on itself—on the memory of Karev freaking out on her and the thought that Stark was capable of the same thing—she turned to Stark for answers, something that would tell her she was mistaken and he wouldn't force her, wouldn't make her take her pants off because she wasn't ready. When she looked back at him, all she saw was an open mouth stunned in surprise at her action, and she immediately felt a brush creeping forward.

Instinctively, she pushed her glass toward him. "Mind if I have some more?"

Stark looked at her closely, like a bartender would to a raging alcoholic, and set the wine bottle down without filling hers. "Let's-Let's see how you do after that, okay?"

"No." If this was going to happen, she might as well get a little buzzed.

Stark shook his head and moved the bottle out of her grasp. "I don't want you passed out within seconds, April. Besides, no reason to get hammered. You have surgery tomorrow. You don't need a hangover."

"If I'm fine in half an hour, can I have more?"

"I suppose. I just…Let's see how you do." He had seen many lightweight women in his time get hammered and not come out the other side unscathed; Stark didn't want that to happen to her, not when she needed to be focused and alert, not suffering from a terrible hangover.

Like that, they were on the couch; he had let her pick a television show or movie to watch, smiling when she selected the news—a safe topic to watch daily events unfold. She didn't want to accidentally stumble across a romance movie, because then she knew every once and while her gaze would travel to him and if she did that…She didn't want to think about what would happen other that. Right now all she wanted was that wine bottle to drown away her insecurities and nervousness about sex; moments like these, too, she silently berated herself. It wasn't common for her to become uncomfortable and flustered, and April hated this position. So far, however, he had made no moves, only smiled at her occasionally when a funny segment or commercial aired.

"You doing okay, April?"

"I'm fine, not at all buzzed." God she desperately wanted to be, especially as she found herself intoxicated by his cologne and close proximity. This friends thing was harder than she thought it would be. Suited her well, too, to be attracted to a man after she had flat out said she wasn't. His charm—and his self-control—was a huge selling point for. Maybe, she thought to herself as he stood and went to grab the wine bottle, that he wasn't so bad after all. Maybe, if she wanted to, she could see him as more than a friend.

It scared the hell out of her.

A few drinks later, and the buzz turned into something much more stronger; she found herself barely able to stand or control her thoughts. Stark seemed thoroughly amused her with her, however, as she relayed to him her life story, how she grew up on a farm, and he seemed to especially love her pig-slaughtering story because he laughed. "Something funny?"

"I can't see you slaughtering a pig."

"Why? I can delve around human organs all day. Makes sense that I should be able to slaughter a pig."

Stark reached forward and grabbed the empty glass from her hand, having to pry it away from her hard grip. "I think you've had enough of that."

"I don't."

He smiled and shook his head, setting it and the wine bottle on the coffee table. "April, why do you feel the need to drink? It's not like I'm expected you to get totally drunk."

"It calms me down."

Stark looked at her closely and scowled, wondering if he had made her uncomfortable. It wasn't like he had put the moves on her—or would, given her obviously vulnerable state. "April, I don't understand. What do you need to be calmed down from."

"You."

"Me? What did I do?"

"It's not you…necessarily."

"So…" He turned to her, confusion spreading across his face. "What is it?"

"It was a long time ago."

"April, if I am making you uncomfortable in any way, I…That was never my intention." He shook his head and scoffed at his own disbelief. "At least tell me what I'm doing."

"It's not you, Robert."

"So what is it?"

"It's me," she admitted softly, her voice barely audible as she looked down at her hands. "It's me and my insecurities and stupid, naive fears."

"What are you so afraid of?"

"Sex."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Sex," April repeated, finally summoning the courage to look at him, his face a mixture of confused and surprised, as if that was the last thing she expected; immediately she felt uncomfortable, wondering if she had totally made the wrong decision. "I've…Never done it before."

"Never?"

April nodded slowly and laughed in her drunken stupor that was slowly starting to wane with the seriousness of their topic. "Never. Twenty-eight year old virgin. How do you like that?"

Stark looked away from her for a moment to allow her information to process; it all suddenly made miraculous sense, why she looked at the couch like it was a deathtrap or how she so suddenly had canceled on him the minute he suggest a movie date at his place. And with that realization that she was afraid he would push her, Stark shook his head and started to rub his temples from frustration. Finally, he looked at her and felt himself melt by the scared look in her eyes. The need to touch her in reassurance was strong, so he placed a gentle—yet firm—hand on her knee. "April, look at me."

She did as he requested, her eyes soft and scared like a baby deer. "What?"

"Is…Is that why you canceled that day? Because you were afraid that I would pressure you to have sex?"

April looked away from as soon as he had finished the question, embarrassed. "Everyone was saying how a movie date at your place meant that 'pants were coming off' and that…I just…It freaked me out, is all. I got scared."

"Who told you that?"

"Meredith, Cristina, Lexie, and Alex," April answered, waiting a second between each name. "At Arizona's baby shower and they said that…Well…"

Stark didn't know what to be more frustrated about: the fact that she had let them get to her or the fact that they had assumed a movie date meant sex. "April, just because we scheduled a movie date doesn't mean sex."

"They said—"

"And you're going to listen to people who have slept with everyone at this hospital?" Stark shook his head. "Just because they say that you have sex when you hang out with someone at their place doesn't mean that happens. It's different for everyone, April. It's _your _choice when to have sex, not just because that's when a lot of people have sex. I thought…I thought you understood that after waiting twenty-eight years. If you didn't, I guarantee we wouldn't be having this conversation."

April sighed and closed her eyes, the light from the room bothering her. "Are you mad?"

"Not at you," he answered with a sigh, giving her knee a gentle squeeze in encouragement. "I understand, April. I do. But what I don't understand is why you didn't say that to me. Why didn't you tell me what was really going on?"

"Fear," she answered softly. "Fear and naivety and…A hell of a lot of fear. I was afraid of how you'd react and if you'd freak out on me like Alex did."

That angered him more than anything she had just told him; she could see it in his eyes, the rage that he tried his best to keep hidden. He looked at her now like he had looked at him the moment she called him out on treating her badly, worse than the other residents, and the look scared her. Instead of his voice becoming angry, he remained calm as he asked, "In what strange, twisted, deranged universe am I _anything _like Alex Karev?"

"None."

"So what made you think I was going to freak out on you when you told me that you haven't had sex?"

"Well…he didn't freak out on me when I told him—more made of fun of me, then. It was more of when—"

"He made fun of you?"

"Yes, but that's my point." The angry look was back in his eyes again, like he had to use all his self-control not to break something. "My point is that…well, once we were close to that and I asked him to take it slow, you know my first time and all…and he kinda freaked out on me."

"What?"

"Robert, sit down, please." He didn't do as she asked, and instead remained standing, his body tense. "It wasn't that big of a deal."

"Obviously it was if you thought I would react the same way."

"Robert—"

"What do you mean by he freaked out on you?"

"Robert—"

"What did he do?" His tone was angry as he stressed every word; Stark forced himself to sit down, knowing if he remained standing he would start to pace or put his fist through a wall and then potentially never perform surgery again. He closed his eyes and sighed heavily. "It doesn't matter what he did, does it? Only that that he did and that it hurt you?"

She didn't answer.

"Just, um…Just tell me he didn't force you into anything that you didn't want to do."

"No," April answered firmly, watching the stress release itself from his body. "He didn't."

"But it was enough for you to think that I'd pressure you into sex and react the same way he did? To…Traumatize you in a way?"

"Yes."

Stark sighed and looked at her, honestly and openly for the first time since she had rejected his advances. "April, you need to understand that I would _never _pressure you into having sex with me or judge you for it. That's not who I am…It's not how I was raised by my parents. A girl says to you, 'I don't want to do this,' you don't do it. End of story."

"I'm sorry."

"I mean…A month! I waited _a month, _and didn't make one move! What makes you think I'd try to jump into bed with you after that?"

"I'm sorry."

He could see she was close to tears and took her hand gently in his own. "Don't apologize. It's not your fault."

"I should have told you."

"I would have understood everything a lot better, that's for sure. Like why you bailed on me so suddenly or why…I get it now." He looked at her. "I do."

"You're mad, aren't you?"

"At people who think it's their jobs to dictate how you live your life and when you should be ready to do something, yes, but I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you, April."

"Does…Does this change anything between us?"

If anything, he thought to himself, he would treat her much more carefully. Stark wished he had known; then he wouldn't have been so direct with her. "No, it doesn't. We're good."

"I think I should be getting home."

"Did you drive here?"

April nodded.

"All right. Get your keys and I'll drive you home. I'll call a cab from there to take me back." He helped her to her feet, letting her put her weight against him as they walked to the door and out of his apartment.

Stark knew he wouldn't be sleeping tonight, not with the rage inside him that he needed to get out, anger at all the stupid people at the hospital who couldn't mind their own business and probably were the ones who had spoiled his chances at anything more than a friendship with her.

Tomorrow would prove to be an interesting day at the hospital should he decide to embark on the war path.


	5. The Warpath

He continued to stare at her from far away, the distance of a floor separating them; her hangover was apparent, but she tried not to let it get to her. He could see her shifting files and maneuvering charts, all the while rubbing her temples at the sound of any noise. Stark wasn't a man to tell someone that he had predicted that from happening, and it wouldn't do it with her, not today, not when it was so real how fresh her wounds were. After all, he had inadvertently driven her to drink that bottle hadn't he, by suggesting that they watch a movie together and relax? His quest for more—as silent as it was—had made her uncomfortable enough to the point where she thought drinking would solve the problem.

As if he would take advantage of her while she was drunk.

With a scowl, Stark snapped his chart shut; he couldn't keep his eyes off her, the way she moved or tossed her hair from one side to another because it got in her way. He had grown to love how she stood erect immediately after discovering something, like she was going to leap into action. The weight of liquor hadn't changed this in her.

"Dr. Stark, you're staring at Kepner again. Some might think that you're obsessing."

"Dr. Robbins," he addressed her coldly, accidentally, because if it wasn't for her baby shower none of this would have happened. If it wasn't for the people at the baby shower, he would have had a shot in Hell, and now he had none…now her fears were clear and there was nothing he could do to quiet their loud roars except prove to her that he wasn't a sleaze.

"Something wrong?"

"I'm just…mad…frustrated." Stark sighed and ran his fingers through his hair in exasperation. "You know, I don't know what I am right now."

"Are you mad at Kepner?"

"No," he answered firmly; that was the only thing he was sure of in any of this. "I'm not mad at her."

"So what's the problem?"

"My problem is with people butting into a situation that is none of their business."

"Hey, I'll leave you alone if that's how you feel." Arizona put her hands up defensively in surrender. "I was just trying to help."

Stark laughed. "No, Dr. Robbins, not _you_. I'm not talking about you."

"So…what are you talking about?"

"I'm sure that I was the last one to find out in this hospital that April is a virgin, correct?" He nodded when she shrugged. "Well, the last time we were going to…hang out…it seems that everyone was giving her a hard time for that."

"Because they assumed that you would have sex?"

"Correct."

"And she froze and freaked out and canceled on you, and you're mad because you feel that if people had minded their own damn business, then none of this would be happening."

"You're spot on today, Robbins."

"You make it sound like I'm never right." She smiled when he shrugged.

"Let's just call it a difference of professional opinion."

Arizona eyed him before she smiled and asked, "You want to know what I think about this entire situation, Dr. Stark?"

He scowled. "Normally when someone says that, it's against what the person wants, so…No. I don't want to hear what you think about all this."

"I think—" She paused to smile when he rolled his eyes. "I think that April is a girl who was afraid. She's never had sex before and that's scary for girls. It's not like guys where there's no real emotional attachment half the time and all it's about is a screw. For girls, sex is special and you don't give up your first time unless it's the right time, which in turn explains why she's twenty-eight and it hasn't happened. She waited for the right time."

"I'm not following."

"She was afraid, nervous even. It had never happened so the possibility of it happening…well that's a frightening thought. Every girl is nervous her first time."

"And then when everyone was making fun of her for it, that made it worse?"

"Exactly. The last thing she needed was for people to tell her that she was going to have sex with you—when that was something she wasn't ready for."

"But I would never pressure her. Never."

"But she didn't know that. She probably assumed that you were expecting _something_, whatever that may be, and that scared her. And that's understandable. Besides, she probably was feeling nervous. It's not like she has any idea what the hell she's doing. April probably was worried that she wouldn't be any good at it—and that's understandable, too. She just…She probably didn't want to let you down or disappoint you."

"What disappointed me the most was the fact that she wasn't honest with me. You know…virginity, that can be handled. I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is someone not telling me something important."

"She was afraid, Dr. Stark. That's all it was. Afraid of your reaction and nervous about her first time—if that's what was going to happen. She bailed, and it was out of fear. I bet it didn't even have anything to do with you."

"So what you're telling me is that it's not necessarily the people who are responsible, but the root of the problem really resides in her fear."

"Yeah. And you can't do anything until that fear is gone. Blaming Karev, Meredith, and Cristina isn't going to change anything. You have to hit the root of a problem if you want it solved. Kind of like a tumor. You have to get the whole thing out before you can focus on anything else."

"How do I do that?"

"Show her your patience."

"I thought I already did that when I waited a month without making a move and now when I haven't pressured her into anything she doesn't want."

"It might take some more effort. You just have to decide if she's worth it or not."

"She is." Stark sighed and tapped a soft beat on the chart with his fingers before he looked at Arizona with a smile. "Thanks, Dr. Robbins, for the talk."

"No problem. You let me know if you need anything else, all right?"

"Yeah. Just do me a favor and keep Karev on your staff the next couple of days. I'm afraid if I see him I'll kill him."

Arizona laughed. "I think I can do that."

"He gave her the brunt of the mockery, didn't he?"

"That, I can't attest to, but he did give her a rough time. Everyone did, though. It's not just him that's at fault here."

"Don't bother protecting your man. I still don't like him."

"And that's understandable," Arizona answered, respecting their difference of professional opinion. "Just…Don't take the brunt of your anger out on Alex Karev."

"Even if he is the one who freaked out on her?"

"Well…"

Stark turned to face her, his eyes flaring. "Please don't tell me that you're going to start defending that."

"All I'm saying is that you shouldn't punish someone professionally because of something they did personally."

"Altman did it, with Cristina. I haven't seen you go and criticize her."

His defense mechanism were becoming clearer to Arizona the more time she spent with him; she didn't even know why she was standing here, trying to preach to him something that she herself would never follow. "All right, fine. And I understand why you're mad—"

"Do you?"

"Dr. Stark—"

"Because I could have had a chance with her if he had just kept his damn mouth shut. But no. People in this place have to but into everything that doesn't concern them. It's like this place is high school all over again!"

"If you feel that way, why don't you leave?"

"Because I don't hate everyone here, just one person. That's not a good enough reason to leave."

"Well, Dr. Stark," she grabbed her chart, "I'll do my best to keep Karev away from you, all right?"

"I appreciate that."

"I'm sure he'd appreciate it more if he knew how angry you were toward him."

* * *

><p>"Hey."<p>

His voice was gentle, so was his touch, but April jumped from the surprise, feeling her heart skip a beat at his presence. He looked at her, closely and quietly, a hint of patience and….She wasn't sure what it was in his eyes that was so calming, like it reached out to soothe her soul. "Dr. Stark."

"You doing all right?"

"Besides this massive headache, I'm fine." She looked up at the clock. The day was only halfway over. "Just waiting for my lunch break."

"I was just about to head to the cafeteria."

"Is that an invitation?"

"Depends," he answered with a smile at the smirk on her face. "Is that an invitation you would accept if I asked it?"

"Maybe."

"What's your stipulation?"

"Can we not talk about what happened last night? I mean, what I told you."

Stark scowled; they would have to talk about it eventually, like Arizona had said, if they wanted to get past it. Maybe, he thought after a moment, that this could be the stepping stone to a better way of showing her how he wouldn't pressure her, ever, into something she wasn't ready to do. He quickly replaced the scowl with a gentle smile. "We can do—and talk—about whatever you'd like."

The agreement brought a bright smile from her. "Thank you."

Stark looked down at her charts and asked, "How much longer do you have on these post ops?"

"I don't know, a while."

"Why don't you delegate them to someone else, Chief Resident, so you can take your lunch break?"

"Oh, I…these need to get done."

"They'll be here when you get back," Stark told her, seeing in her eyes a hesitance much like the one when he had suggested the movie. With that, he fought a scowl. Stark realized that if they were to move forward it would have to be on her terms, by her suggestion and not his; even though she probably needed to have him take the reigns, he was sure she wanted to have some control in all this, some say. Wasn't what this was all about anyway? When she decided to voice herself and what she wanted? He could do that for her, he decided, if that's what it took for her to open up to him just a little bit.

Before she could say anything, he offered, "Tell you what, we go and get some lunch downstairs in the cafeteria and bring it up to my office. You can work on your post ops and we can have lunch together, as friends."

"Friends?"

Stark thought for a moment that there was disappointment in her voice when he realized it was surprise. "Yes, we're friends. You were expecting something…more?"

"Well, yeah. At least—"

"I told you I can be friends," Stark cut her off firmly, although not maliciously. "If you don't want more, I won't push you for more. It's your choice. Would I be disappointed in more, no way, but I'm not disappointed in less, either. We went over this last night."

"Last night still is a little fuzzy to me."

"Well, you and I are friends," he told her firmly with a forced smile, the words killing him—although the pain was necessary, he knew, for her.

"All right, _friend_, consider this a lunch date?"

"You got it." Date and friends didn't coincide, but he didn't care. It was privacy with her, away from all the people who could manipulate her. At least in there, he would let her make her own decisions, and wouldn't sway her by making her think that he would try to jump into bed with her. Stark was beginning to hate those residents more than he ever had before.

* * *

><p>"How'd your lunch date with Stark go?"<p>

April rolled her eyes and bent her head to the charts even more, hoping ignoring him would be enough for him to leave her alone. "Karev, I'm not in the mood."

"Obviously not. You're back with him, aren't you?"

"It's none of your business."

"Aw, come on! You're going to try and get in on all his cool surgeries, surgeries that _I_ should be on! You got the chief resident job, you should at least give me something!"

April scowled and turned toward him. "If you want to be on Dr. Stark's surgeries, I'd suggest you get on his good side and stay off my bad side."

"What? You going to put in a bad word for me?"

"Is there a problem here?"

Both Karev and April to face him; April, who sincerely hoped that he wouldn't cause a scene, plastered a fake smile and told him, "No. Nothing's wrong, Dr. Stark."

Stark crossed his arms and eyed Alex. "Doesn't look like that to me."

"Everything's fine," Alex agreed, his hands up in surrender. "I was just having a discussion with Dr. Kepner."

"Well, next time you want to get it on one of my surgeries, you come to me, because I get the final say on who participates in my surgeries," Stark told him nastily, bitterly, like he always treated him; he had a new reason, however, to hate him. "Dr. Kepner, can I speak with you for a moment in private?"

Alex snickered.

"Do you have a problem with that, Dr. Karev?"

The angry tone—one which no one had heard before—shocked Alex so much that he straightened and tensed. "No. I don't have a problem with that."

"Good because the next time I hear a snicker from you, your only job will be changing bedpans. Understand?"

"Yes."

"Get out of here." Stark gave Alex—who had quickly walked away—a dark scowl as he gently took hold of April's free arm and led her onto a conference room; he shut the door and drew the shades before he turned to face her. She looked flustered and frustrated at the situation. "Are you all right, Dr. Kepner?"

"I had that handled."

"Sure didn't look like it."

She gave him a dark scowl. "I didn't need you to come to my rescue, Dr. Stark. I can handle Alex Karev."

"You can handle him, but that doesn't mean you won't let yourself be influenced by him."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She put her hands on her hips, frustrated and clearly offended.

"I'm not talking about _that_, Dr. Kepner," he told her with a shake of his head. "I'm talking about you, being Chief Resident. You can't let people push you around anymore. You need to step up and show them that you're the boss, not them. You aren't a child who can be manipulated easily. They need to know that no means no and no arguments."

"I had that—"

"You _didn't_ have that handled. He was about to walk all over because he suggested a personal relationship you and I and that got you flustered."

"How did you know? You aren't inside my head."

"No, but I've seen you enough to understand your body language. You tense when you're flustered, and he had you on the ropes."

"Look, Dr. Stark, it's not like that—"

"No?" He had turned malicious now, the heartless wretch who had given her a cold shoulder for weeks, but it was all to prove it a point. She had to realize that this wasn't the fifth grade anymore and people wouldn't stop picking on her because she asked them nicely not to. Here, in the war zone, a firm hand was needed to get anything done. "Then tell me what it's like."

"I was going to put him in his place."

"How?"

"I was going to inform him that my personal relationships do not dictate what I do professionally and that I _am _Chief Resident now and he can't push me around."

"You telling him he can't do that is not going to change anything."

"So what do you suggest I do?"

"Prove it to him!" Their discussion had turned heated, though their voices were low enough so no one on the outside understood what they were arguing about. "You want people to respect you, you need to prove to them that you deserve it!"

"How would you suggest I do that?" Her tone had turned snarky with him, condescending, like she wanted to hear nothing of this yet respected his seniority and advice.

"Take away a surgery, assign him to some low level job that a first year resident would do. Show him that if he wants to get ahead, he can't mess with you."

"That's very passive-aggressive." And definitely not her style. April knew how nice she was, and was no where as mean as Stark when it came to professional business.

"This is a cut-throat place, April. All hospitals are. If you want to survive you have to do whatever you can, everything you can, because if they see one layer of weakness, they're going to pounce and walk over you and you won't get that respect back."

"I need to lay down the law?"

"Exactly. And you need to start that with Alex Karev, because right now it's clear he has no respect for you. If he did, he wouldn't suggest that you would blur the lines between a personal and professional relationship."

April nodded. "Dr. Stark?"

"What?"

"Thank you."

Stark shrugged; someone had to do it, it might as well be him. She listened to him when she needed to, and it was clear from past experiences that she looked to him for guidance. "Now go out there and show them who's boss. Go on the warpath."

"Gentle but firm?"

"That wouldn't be my approach with co-workers, but it suits you well. Now go get them. And don't let me ever catch them trying to walk over you again…Because then _I'll _put them in their place, and you don't want to see that. Trust me, it's worse than anything I've ever said to Karev."

April smiled as he opened the door and walked away from her, both a colleague and a friend, who truly put her best interests at heart and had no ulterior motives, nothing to cloud his desires because all he wanted was for her to succeed.

April attempted to channel his energy and combine it with her own as she opened the door, embarking on a war path of her own.


	6. Going Slow

**A/N: I appreciate all the reviews! I've kind of hit a snag at this chapter, not really sure where to go from here, so if you guys have any ideas throw them out there! Also, any constructive criticism is appreciated!**

"April, you really should call before you come over to someone's house."

"I'll come back later."

"No!" He reached forward and grabbed her arm before she could turn around and leave him in his apartment; his action must have amused her because she turned around and flashed a smile in his direction. Stark found himself smiling despite the embarrassing situation and his sudden, honest outburst. "Come in."

"Robert, close the door."

"What?"

"Just…Close the door."

Stark scowled, mostly in confusion instead of irritation, and it took a few minutes before he felt his cell phone buzz in his pocket. Smiling broadly, he fished it out of his jean pocket and answered, "April, what are you doing?"

"I am coming up the stairs of your apartment building. Estimated time of arrival is one minute."

"This wasn't what I meant, you know."

"No, but it's a start."

Stark laughed as he shoved the phone back into his pocket; the apartment felt muggy and disgusting to him, so he shed his sweatshirt and flattened his grey shirt before he heard a knock on the door. Opening it, he flashed her a smile. "Nice to see you."

"Better?"

"It's a start."

April smiled. "You had the time to change while I was gone?"

He shrugged. "Got a little hot in here. Presence of a beautiful woman will do that to some people, you know."

April blushed slightly and asked, "May I come in?"

Stark moved aside for her, took her coat, and watched as she, comfortably, moved to sit on his couch like she had visited this place countless times before. He loved watching her, how at ease she had become around him, simply because he had promised to take things slow with her. If that was what it took, he would have accepted her canceled dinner date and would not have invited her over for a movie, the catalyst for this entire friendship. "What are you doing here?"

"They're like rabbits."

"Who?"

"Jackson and Lexie," April told him, almost disgustedly as he walked into the kitchen to grab a glass. "Oh, I'm not thirsty."

"It isn't for you," he told her, opening the wine bottle with ease. "But, if you'd like something to eat or drink you're welcome to it."

"Do you drink wine every night?"

"No. I'm more of a social drinker." He smiled when she laughed and he moved to sit down beside her on the couch, a wine glass in one hand and the bottle in the other. "So, if they're so…rabbit like…why do you stay there?"

"I'm here aren't I?"

"No," he chuckled, "I mean, why don't you move out? You know, find a place of your own?"

"With my salary?" April laughed. "That's never going to happen anytime soon. That, and college debts. Rent is expensive, and living at Meredith's, it's just easier and cheaper."

"Company can't hurt, either."

"It didn't, until they hooked up and started screwing all over the house. You know, it's not fair to have to watch that."

"That's like bragging."

April smiled when he carefully poured himself a small glass of wine, nothing close to even being halfway filled. "Why do you do that? Fill it with so little?"

"I'm not a big wine person. That, and it's kind of like an amazing food dish. The first couple of bites are perfect and the best thing you've ever eaten, and the flare dies down as you keep eating. Wine's the same thing. The taste is perfect, but as you go…It doesn't have that magic anymore."

"I've always seen you finish a meal."

"Well, that's because for one thing that's a waste of food if you don't, and secondly leftovers are way worse than just eating it all. Leftovers…The magic is really gone and it won't come back ever."

"Do you cook for yourself?"

"Sometimes."

"What do you do with the leftovers then?"

Stark smiled at her and told her, "That's the thing about living alone for a while, April. You learn how to make things to the point where you don't have leftovers."

"Have you lived alone for a long time?"

"Yeah, I suppose." He shrugged. "I mean, back when I was worked at the other hospital—before I came to Seattle Grace—I lived with a roommate so I made enough for both of us."

"Did you have leftovers then?"

"Oh yeah, but that wasn't a problem. She didn't mind leftovers as much as I did. She actually preferred them, which was really weird to me." Stark scowled at the memory.

"_She_?"

"Yes," He told her, smiling at her reaction, "my roommate was a she. You sound very surprised by that."

"Aren't most roommates of the same sex?"

"This coming from the woman who shares a house with five other people, three of which are male." He laughed when she shrugged him off with a wave. "You know, if I didn't know any better I'd say you were a little jealous."

"I'm not jealous."

"Right." He smiled when she only glared at him. He decided not to poke fun at her jealousy and told her seriously, "She and I lived together for a while. I mean, we were friends, she needed a place to stay, and I needed an extra hand with the rent. She helped around the place, even cooked a little bit, and didn't care that my hours were weird because hers were the same way. It just all sort of worked out perfectly."

"You don't need to explain yourself to me."

"You sure about that?"

"I'm positive," April reassured him. "Did this, um, housing situation…Did it ever turn into more than that?"

"Oh God, no. We were friends, and she was dating one of my friends." He shook his head. No way could that friendship have turned into something more; they had to many different interests. That, and half the time he wanted to wring her neck. "It was purely platonic."

"Oh."

Stark watched her reaction turn more enthusiastic and happy at his answer; if she was trying to maintain just a friendship between them, she was failing miserably. He could see right through her and she was, in fact, jealous, no matter how many times she tried to convince him otherwise. He found himself smiling, for no apparent reason other than hope. "I can cook, though."

"Like what?"

"Anything," he answered. "I'm no Iron Chef, but with a little practice I can make a mean dish. I'd cook for you if you wanted." He refrained from telling her that she would have been able to see his cooking skills in action had she not cancelled on him before.

"Really?"

"I might be a lot of things, but a liar isn't one of them…" Stark paused, realizing his track record wasn't supporting his statement. "All right, let me rephrase that. _Personally _I don't lie."

"Oh but professionally is just fine?"

"It's a rough world out there. You have to do what it takes to get ahead."

"So…" April didn't like this part of the conversation, a blatant reminder of a time when she had hated him, of the time when Alex Karev had completely shut her down and made her feel terrible. "If I asked you to cook for me right now, you would?"

"Well," he turned to look at his bare kitchen, "I don't know if there's anything in there that you'd like, but we can take a look."

April took the initiative and entered the kitchen before he even had a chance to pull himself from the couch. After looking through the pantry, finding soup and spaghetti noodles, she moved to the fridge; nothing there sparked her interest, either. In one final effort, she opened the freezer and started to laugh. "Frozen pizza?"

"What?" He scowled and jumped up on the counter, letting his legs dangle. "I'm not a monster."

"I just…Frozen pizza?"

"It's quick and it's good, depending on the kind that you get," Stark told her, feeling the need to defend himself and his choice of food. As a surgeon, he didn't have time to cook and during the middle of the night, when he wanted something quick, waiting an hour to cook was not an option. "Don't pick that, though."

"Why not?"

"Because that is, in no way, a test of my cooking prowess. Frozen pizza is simple, all you do is put in the oven and pull it out. The trick is not burning it. It's too simple." So simple, in fact, that he had made it difficult at times, like trying different ways to get it in and out of the oven. It had become somewhat of a game, a way to amuse himself for just a few moments.

April smirked and pulled one of the cardboard boxes from the freezer, throwing it on the table. "Let's see what you've got."

Stark laughed. "You're challenging me with frozen pizza?"

"I thought that's what you liked about me." They shared a smile. "Come on, Robert. It's supposed to be simple, right?"

Fifteen minutes had passed, and with five minutes left to go on the pizza, they stood apart from each other in the kitchen, arms crossed, like they were about to embark on a bitter fight that would last through the night. Stark continued to sip his wine and watched her carefully, her arms crossed, her stare defiant yet playful. He could see she was trying so hard not to smile at him, at his stern face that hadn't looked at the oven since he had slid the pizza in. He shook his head at her and asked when her face broke into a smile, "You're just loving this, aren't you?"

"It's not my fault you burned your hand."

"I did not burn it," he returned, his voice low. "I just skimmed it."

"Oh, okay. That's why you have gauze wrapped around it like a third degree burn."

"Hey," he lifted his hands, "these things are how I make a living. I don't have my hands, I can't perform surgeries. It's like heroin withdrawal. I don't have it and I die."

"I can't believe you just compared surgery to heroin."

"How would you feel if you couldn't perform surgery anymore, Kepner?"

"There was a time when I couldn't," she admitted softly, looking away from him; her eyes turned dark, solemn, at the memory. "It was after the shooting. I didn't…I couldn't step foot into another operating room. I didn't feel…adequate enough."

His stern face softened at her truthful, raw response. "I'm sorry, April. I can't imagine what that must have been like."

"I got over it…Obviously."

"No, I wasn't talking about not performing surgery and feeling inadequate. I've had that before. I meant the shooting. I…I can't imagine what you went through."

"Still hurts a lot," she admitted. "I lost my best friend that day. It's like this…thing inside my chest that won't ever go away."

"I know what that feels like," he agreed softly, seeing in her eyes a look of surprise, maybe even curiosity, that he knew wouldn't vanish until he had told her the truth. With a sigh, he began his story, "I was maybe five years into being a surgeon and there was this little kid…He was maybe four…He had cancer. And it was my job to remove the tumor. Not a big deal, you know? It was a simple procedure. In, out, done. Well…He started to bleed out and I lost him. I lost him. He was just four years old and he died because of something that I did."

"Robert, that's not true."

"I know that now, but I didn't then. I blamed myself and…" Stark ran his fingers through his hair, not really sure why he was telling her this except that it was nice to have someone to share his past with, someone who would listen and not judge, someone who would be there for him despite his flaws. "Well let's just say my subsequent behavior elicited a suspension until I got my act together. And once I did, I didn't want to pick up a scalpel. I completed every administrative and mundane duty you can think of, just as long as it didn't involve cutting."

"Sounds like this kid meant a lot to you."

"I don't know why. He just…He reminded me of myself, I suppose." He could still remember the look on the boy's face when he had told him -lied essentially- that everything would be all right. Stark pushed the memory away and admitted, "And when he died…I lost control."

"And you haven't lost control since?"

"I don't let myself get close enough to lose control," Stark admitted to her, looking at her completely as if he was exposing his darkest secret to the world and hoping she wouldn't shun him away for it. "I can't go through that again."

"That makes a lot of sense."

"It's much easier being the heartless wretch than getting close enough to get hurt. Might require a little more effort, but…It's better than the alternative."

"Sometimes you need to open yourself up to a little pain."

"Not professionally," Stark told her. "You don't understand now, but the moment you lose a patient you grow close to, you will. And you'll never forget it."

"I've lost someone."

"Were you close to the patient?"

"No."

Stark shook his head. "It's not the same thing. When you get close to someone-to a kid-and he dies...It's like a part of you dies with him."

"Robert, I-"

The beep from the oven stopped April from attempting to soothe the sad look in his normally calm eyes; it had come at the right time. This serious conversation was taking a toll on her, so much that now all she wanted to do was curl up into a ball and not talk, just lay there until the pain in her chest went away. April forced a smile and told him, "Well, let's see if you burned it."

"You have no faith in me," he remarked, bending down to inspect the pizza. "We'll give it a few more minutes."

"You sure?"

Stark tilted his head toward her and nodded, scowling at her lack of trust in him. "Yes, I'm sure."

April chuckled, putting her hands up in surrender. "I was just making sure."

He looked at her again. "Is a little faith too much to ask for?"

"Yes."

"You know, I perform complex surgeries every day, I think I can manage cooking a frozen pizza. It's not rocket science."

April smiled at his grumblings and watched him, minutes later, pull the pizza from the oven. A few more minutes of comfortable silence passed before the pizza was cut and he offered her the first slice. As they ate, she told him, "I'm glad to see you didn't burn your other hand."

"Then I'd be a real mess, wouldn't I?"

"Here, why don't you let me take a look at it?" She set down her plate and moved to cross the kitchen toward him.

"No." He pulled away from her. "You should eat and then, if it's not too repulsive, you can look at it."

April shook her head and advanced toward him again, scowling when he backed away from her like she was going to attack him. "Robert, come on. It's just a burn. It's not like you have a deep repulsive gushing gash that'll make me sick to my stomach while I'm eating."

He shook his head in protest.

"I've seen worse, trust me. Like there was this one time when a chainsaw went through this guy's foot and-" She smiled when his face twisted in disgust. "I'm positive your burn is nothing like that."

Stark stared at her and protectively cradled his hand against his shirt. "Way to paint a picture in my head. Now I can't eat."

"Robert."

"I'm not going to win, am I?"

"No."

"Well, it's a good thing that I know when to accept defeat." With a sigh, he let his hand fall toward her. Stark sighed dramatically in his his loss. "Here."

April took his hand carefully in hers and slowly unwrapped the gauze, revealing a small burn on the top of his hand. She inspected it closely, and then looked up at him with a smirk. "All this fuss over a small little burn?"

"I'm very sensitive."

"Obviously." She shook her head with a chuckle.

He smiled, loving the touch of her hand against his own as she carefully inspected his war wound. Her touch was warm, gentle, and loving as she took genuine concern for his burn; as a doctor she was careful and helpful, and that hadn't changed after she left the medical arena. She treated him like any other patient, with care that couldn't be matched in any training. Nothing had made him happier than to see her become chief resident because she deserved it, and she was proving to him now why she was the best candidate. With a smirk, he asked, "Will I survive?"

"I think you'll be fine."

"Oh, thank God. I couldn't imagine what I would ever do." He smiled when she hit his arm playfully; her gaze shifted to him slowly, as if she wanted the moment to last forever. Did she realize how difficult she was making this for him? Her touch, her nearness, the soft smile on her face, the way her eyes twinkled. . . He could name off fifty reasons why this situation was difficult for him. But he couldn't push her away. That would be like ending a great thing, voluntarily, and he wasn't that kind of person. She was like a drug: he couldn't get enough and no matter how much he pretended, he didn't want the high to ever end.

"Robert?"

"Yes?"

"You're so dramatic." Her eyes hadn't left his, and her hand hadn't let go, either. Instead she smiled once more and shook her head. "You're going to be fine."

"Are you sure? Maybe you should look at it one more time."

She obliged and when she saw his surprised face, she told him with a shrug, "You can never be too careful, you know."

"Like your checklists?"

She nodded. "Exactly like my checklists. You aren't going to make fun of me for those, are you?"

"Never. Procedure works, protocol works. Just like there's hierarchy for a reason, there are rules for a reason, rules that should be closely followed. They're there for a reason and without them…The hospital would just be one chaotic mess with people doing as they pleased. You don't follow rules and people die."

His statement hit close to home, so much that she felt she needed to shy away from mistakes in the workplace, to what she really wanted to know. "You think rules in life should be followed?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, rules to life. Like, uh, treat others how you would want to be treated or don't be rude or stuff like that. Do you think the rules should be followed in life, too?"

"Not all the rules. Some rules in life are stupid."

"But they're there for a reason?"

"Sometimes people don't listen to reason and follow their hearts before they follow the rules." Stark shrugged. "I don't think all rules are meant to be followed."

"Because sometimes you have to go with your gut instinct before you go with the rules?"

Stark found himself chuckling at her gentle interrogation like he was being interviewed. "What's with all this insight? You thinking about bailing on the rules at the hospital? Because I would strongly suggest against that if that's the case."

"No, not professionally."

"I don't understand." She had successfully caught him off guard for perhaps the second time in their courtship when she kissed him quickly, a mere peck but a kiss, regardless; it barely even registered to him what she had done until she was staring up at him. His face must have resembled shock, for she looked slightly petrified. "April—"

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have—"

He stopped her from moving away from him by hooking his arm around her waist. Stark shook his head. "That was not a kiss."

"I'm sorry."

"Just…Stop apologizing for a second, all right?" He hadn't seen her this nervous before, and he couldn't help but smile.

"I—"

"Stop." When her mouth snapped shut he brought his hand to her cheek, brushing across it gently before he rested it there. "Want me to show you what a real kiss is like?"

"I know how to kiss, you know."

"I'm not doubting you. I do have a leg up with experience, though."

"This suddenly just became un-romantic."

Stark smiled when she shook her head and chuckled uncomfortably. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't brag, should I? I suppose that actions do speak louder than words—"

"Robert."

"What?"

"Stop talking and kiss me already."

He couldn't believe that this moment was finally here…this moment that he had spent months dreaming hopelessly about, thinking that it would never come to fruition. Here it was, right in front of him, like a dream becoming reality, and he felt the butterflies in his stomach like a giddy teenager once more. Finally, he had enough of the torture and tucked his head until his lips met hers, gentle and soft so not to scare her into thinking he was looking for anything deeper right now...to keep his self-control in check.

She was everything he had thought she would be; her response was slow at first, as if she was preparing herself and adjusting to the sensation, then she turned eager and open, delving the kiss into more passionate realms. He wouldn't let her go too far, however, wishing to savor this moment; there was no need to rush the little things when they had all the time in world. Stark loved the taste of her, the way her body melded against his perfectly as the kiss deepened until he found himself struggling for breath. She was responding perfectly, certainly more than just friends, even taking an initiative by wrapping her arms around his neck.

As soon as he couldn't think or breathe anymore, he forced himself to pull away just enough to look at her, to see her reaction and if he had pushed the envelope too far. The flustered look on her face told him that he had succeeded perfectly in capturing her attention but not making her too uncomfortable, which was his overall goal. It was simply a kiss, he was simply a man who wanted her, and she was simply a woman who wanted to take her time and savor the moments before things went too far.

Stark could respect that. "Better?"

"Yeah."

He laughed at her almost breathless response. "I told you I wasn't going to pressure you, and the same goes for now. You want me to stop and I will."

"Don't stop just yet."

That wasn't a request he had problem granting as he kissed her again, this time more passionately than the last. April couldn't believe it. She never, in a million years, would have pictured this happening. After all, it wasn't that long ago when she hated him for the heartless way he treated residents, for the distance he put between himself and his patients. That was something she had never understood until now. The distance became clearer to her as the distance between them closed and he had shown himself to be more than a pediatric surgeon, to in fact be everything she had hoped for. Stark hadn't pressured her—more importantly, he hadn't made fun of her when she had admitted the truth. He had simply accepted it, and she was thankful for that, thankful even more so now because he wasn't pushing her. His approach was slow and exquisite, as if he was careful in every move he made, considerate of her response. It took her a few moments to realize he was restraining himself, his body tense against her as he handed control of the embrace to her, letting her decide exactly how far they would go. She smiled, pulling away from him slightly, out of breath.

"You okay?"

"You're really a surprise, you know that?"

He smiled. "I try to be sometimes. Listen, if you're uncomfortable in any way, I want you to tell me, okay? I don't want to guess if you're comfortable or not because if I guess wrong…That's the last thing I want to do."

"I'll tell you," she reassured him, reaching behind him to fix the tag on his shirt, smiling when he tensed slightly at her warm touch. "Just make me a promise that you won't freak out on me?"

"I won't freak out on you, April," he told her truthfully. Stark caressed her cheek gently, kissing her one more time before he suggested, "Go finish the pizza before it gets cold."

"I'm much happier here."

"Go."

April scowled. "Someone's bossy tonight."

Stark smiled and shook his head, planting a gentle kiss on her forehead before he pushed her away from him. He watched her as she scowled and moved to the other side of the kitchen and did as he asked, picking up her plate. April was back beside him again within seconds, this time jumping up on the counter, setting the plate on her lap.

"Are you happy?"

"Totally." Stark turned so he was facing her. "Can I ask you something, April?"

"Sure."

"Why did you wait so long?"

"Oh…" Her face instantly fell, blushing slightly from the sudden change in conversation. "Well, I wanted my first time to be special and that special moment never happened and I'm pretty sure guys find me really annoying…so it just never happened. And now I feel that it's too late."

"It's never too late."

"You sure about that?"

"I have two examples. One is terrible and the other was in comedy, so I'm not sure how reliable either are."

"What are they?"

"_The 40 Year Old Virgin_ and _Everybody Loves Raymond_."

"Are you somehow referring me as a mix between Steve Carrell and Amy Barone?"

"No, not at all." He chuckled. "What I'm saying is that they waited until the right time and it turned out to work really well for them. So, maybe it's a good thing you've waited because now it'll be all the more special when it happens."

April smiled at him gently and commented, "You're more understanding about this than I thought you would be."

"With experience comes patience and understanding, April. As you get older you realize there's more to life than just sex. I find that I'm more understanding now than I was when I was younger, when all I wanted was sex."

"Lucky me." She paused. "Hey, do you mind if I hang around here for a while?"

"Don't want to go home to the rabbits?"

"Not really."

"Sounds to me like they don't understand their boundaries around that place. It's not like it's their home and no one else is living there. They should take others into consideration."

"You want to tell them that?"

"I would if you wanted me to," Stark told her truthfully. "And I'd have no qualms about it, either. You know I don't care about what others think of me."

"I appreciate that."

"Well…I don't know." He looked around them, eyeing the couch carefully like it was a demon. "We can watch a movie or something, if you want. I'm not sure what's on."

"A movie sounds nice."

As he helped her off the counter, he told her, "And April, no pants will be coming off unless you say so, understand?"

"I do now."

As it turned out, the close proximity turned into something more than they both had bargained for. He hadn't meant for it to escalate this far; in fact, he had just meant for it to be simple, a quick kiss really, to show her that he was still interested and invested in what she was telling him, that he wasn't off in some far away land thinking of surgeries. Now she straddled him, her body pressed tightly against him, her mouth warm and exploring, and he couldn't think about anything except the touch of her skin against his, about the possibility of this heading into the bedroom. The thought hit him like a truck.

"April—" He forced her away from him gently and caught her confused gaze. "You need to stop."

"Why?"

"Well…" For a woman who never had sex before, she had no problem trailing kisses down his neck. He closed his eyes and fought to regain some self-control. "For one thing, you…"

She smiled when he trailed off. "I what?"

"I have no idea." She had him flustered so much that his thought process wasn't working; he couldn't think of a valid excuse to stop what he had waited months for. "I just know that we need to stop this before it gets out of hand."

"We're just kissing."

"Yeah…See, but kissing can always turn into something more when you don't have the proper self-control."

"You don't have self-control? I find that hard to believe." She laughed and kissed him.

"April, please stop." Stark must have gotten through to her with his plea because she pulled away from him for a moment to analyze his reaction and to see how serious he was. Her eyes were calm, maybe a little confused, and he breathed a sigh of relief as some of his restraint returned to him. "Thank you."

"I don't understand."

"I want to take things slow…and this isn't really slow." He scowled when her confused look only darkened. "I'm sorry. I just don't want you to feel—"

"Don't you think that's for me to decide?"

"Yes. But, I'd like you to know that you are making this very difficult on me."

"So what are we supposed to do? Never kiss?"

"No, not never. That would be torture." It was torture enough to have to wait this long. "I just…Not here, on my couch, in my apartment where things…can happen."

"I see. So what do you suggest?"

"I have not the faintest idea. I've never done this before."

"Oh, hey, me either. Looks like we're in the same boat!" She smiled when he smirked and shook his head. Turning serious, she put her hands on his shoulders and forced him to look at her. "Robert, listen. You and I are two adults who have strong self-restraint, despite what you may think about yourself. I think we can handle making out on a couch."

"I think—"

He was cut off by the sound of her cell phone as it vibrated in her pocket. April looked at him carefully for a moment before she reached down to pull her phone out. She looked at the number before she shoved it back in her pocket again. Stark scowled. "Who was it?"

"My sister."

"Don't you think that might be important?"

"She calls me once a week," April told him with a shrug. "It's our catch-up time."

"Well, I would hate to impose on sisterly bonding."

"Robert, it's—" The phone once again rang, interrupting their conversation; with a scoff and roll of her eyes, April pulled the phone out and answered, "Kimmie, I can't—"

"_April, it's Lexie."_

"Oh, Lexie, hey." The soft kisses that he planted on her jawline were making it difficult to concentrate. "What, um, what's up?"

"_You know, Jackson and I…We weren't trying to run you out of here or anything. We were just joking around."_

"It's okay, Lexie. Really." And he was telling her she was making things difficult? April couldn't even find the strength to push him away. "Can…Can I call you back?"

"_Well, yeah. I just…" There was a pause. "What are you doing?"_

April heard Stark chuckle and, involuntarily, tilted her head to allow him greater access. He immediately jumped on the opportunity, making her breath catch. "Lexie, I need to call you back."

"_Are you all right?"_

"I'm fine." Even she could hear her breath growing ragged. "I just…Now's not really a good time."

"_Oh-kay_."

Without saying much of anything else, April hung up the phone and threw it to the other side of the couch, turning back to him. He was smiling at her proudly. "Oh, now you stop?"

Stark laughed. "What did she want?"

"To apologize."

"For?"

"Her and Jackson behaving like horny teenagers in shared space," April told him. "Kind of like what we're doing now."

"See there's a big difference between them and us."

"And what's that?"

"This is my apartment, not shared space. No one's going to be barging in here and interrupting anything because that's breaking and entering."

April laughed. "Is that the only difference?"

"We're taking this slow," he answered truthfully, smiling when she beamed at him. "And we're going to take as much time as you need."

"How many times are you going to say that?"

"As many times as it takes until you see that I'm telling the truth."


	7. Keepin' It Private

April was much more observant of him now, especially the way he interacted with patients and how effectively he worked in the operating room. Before, she saw him as a heartless monster who didn't care because he didn't have the time. Now when she observed him, be it a body distance or from the observation deck, she couldn't help but take in his little ticks. April was most impressed with how he maintained his composure under pressure. She realized the world could explode around him and it wouldn't make a difference. As a surgeon, Stark would remain calm throughout.

On a more personal note, she had seen little cracks in his composure. Nothing that she was too alarmed by, but it was enough to grab her attention. Like, this morning, when she had met him in the parking lot. He had been surprised to turn around her see her, perhaps a little leery of the people around them. Or the night before, when he had felt things were escalating too far again and had put some respectable distance between them. He was clearly a man who did not like bringing his personal relationship into the workplace, and she could understand that. His cautious approach to publicizing the relationship—was it a relationship, she couldn't be sure—was not unnecessary considering her response the last time their interactions were made known to the entire hospital.

He had broken his promise, though, and didn't treated her like he treated every other resident; he treated her better, and she realized with a smile after a few moments, that it wasn't because of their relationship but because she was chief resident. She was above all the others, and to him, the title in itself demanded respect.

But she couldn't spend as much time with him as she wanted. Administrative duties took her away from surgeries where she could see his skill and brilliance shine through. Now she worked with him behind the scenes, in places where he was more analytical and leery. It wasn't like surgery where he knew what he was doing and didn't have to think about. Scheduling with him, she realized, was a difficult task for him, one that required thought and consideration. He took his time. And, she realized, his medical arrogance at times made it difficult to work with him.

"Dr. Stark—"

"You asked me what I thought, and I told you. I don't want to work with him, have Dr. Robbins do it."

"You can't just decide not to work with him because you don't like him."

"I think I just did."

"Robert—" She stopped herself once she saw his smirk. With a sigh, she continued, "Dr. Stark—"

"I like Robert better."

"I know you do, but—"

"You know, no one else is around." He waved toward his office. "We're the only ones in here, you don't have to be that formal with me."

"I thought you said out there it's informal, in here it is."

"Right, but it's just you and me this time. No one else is around, no one else knows."

"Focus," she ordered, smiling when he shrugged her off. "I'm trying to get a point across here!"

"And so am I! I'm not working with someone I can't stand! Dr. Robbins can handle the procedure. Besides," he flipped through one of the schedules in front of him, "look here. Dr. Hendricks is doing that surgery next Tuesday morning."

"You don't have anything to do then."

"_Yet_."

April sighed. "Honestly, you're worse than a little kid right now, Dr. Stark. You're making this so difficult."

"Would you work with someone you didn't want to be around?"

"If that's what was required of me, yes. If that's what was best for the patient, yes."

Stark smiled. "You think I'm what's best for the patient surgically wise?"

"Well, you are talented at what you do."

"All right, put me down for the surgery then, I'll do it."

"Really?"

Stark nodded. "Your guilt trip and faith in me was enough to change my mind. Congratulations."

"I'm glad that I can have that affect on you. So, the Collins surgery—"

"What about it?"

"Jackson Avery wants in on it, and he asked me to pass along the message to you."

"What? He doesn't have the guts to—" Stark stopped at her cold stare and put his hands up in surrender. "Okay, I'm sorry. Do I already have someone assisting?"

"No."

"Then you can tell him that it's his. But, the next time he wants in, tell him to ask me, not go through you."

"You know, the more people who go through me, the more times you get to see me."

Stark paused to think for a moment. "As intriguing and tempting as that is, your fellow surgeons needs to learn how to ask for something when they want it. They need to be more assertive when it comes to getting in on surgeries."

"Oh, I see. You don't want to see me."

"Now, don't go twisting my words around, Dr. Kepner."

"No, no. It's fine, Dr. Stark, really. I understand perfectly." She stood up and moved to collect her things when he sprang from his seat and stopped her. April looked at him closely and smiled when he shook his head. "What?"

"There's nothing I'd rather have more than to see you."

"So what's the problem?"

"It's about letting the little kids play on the playground by themselves. Eventually they need to be let go and play by themselves. Besides, just because they don't go through you doesn't mean you and I can't see each other."

"Kind of like right now?"

He nodded. "Did I tell you yet today how beautiful you are?"

"No."

"Oh, well you are." He smiled when she blushed slightly. "Was-Was that all you needed, Dr. Kepner? Scheduling the surgery with Hendricks and giving your friend a boost?"

"Yes."

"So I can kiss you now?"

"I thought you wanted to put that boundary between us personally and professionally."

"Like I said, no one else is around." They were in his office. It wasn't like they were at the nurse's station or even in the on-call room. It was private in here, and no one would come barging in without knocking. He could kiss her for as long as he wanted without interruption.

"What if someone walks in?"

"They wouldn't dare."

April chuckled and shook her head. "I'm not so sure about this, Robert."

"Why not?"

"Well, the last time someone found out about us, word got around and…Well, I think we know how that turned out."

"This time isn't like last time. You and I have an understanding this time around."

"And I appreciate that, I really do—"

"So what's the problem?" He paused and asked, almost heartbroken, "Are you embarrassed or something? Because if you are—"

"Robert, it's not like that."

"Then what is it?" Before she could answer, his pager went off. With a roll of his eyes, he told her, "Look, I've got to take this. I…We'll talk later, all right?"

"Is it an emergency?"

"We're going to find out." He sighed, kissed her cheek gently, and left the office to go deal with a first year resident who probably had no idea what he was doing. Stark had thought this mess would end when the residents became attendings, but apparently he had miscalculated. This torture would never end.

* * *

><p>"April, what's wrong?" Lexie hadn't expected anyone to be in the on-call room, let alone April. She quickly went to her friend's side, laying down beside her on the cot. "You don't look so hot right now."<p>

"Just a little…confused."

"About what?"

April sighed and looked at Lexie. "You promise not to make fun of me?"

"Promise."

"Last night when you called…I wasn't necessarily alone."

"What were you?"

"With..someone."

Lexie chuckled. "Is that someone a cranky pediatric surgeon who has a stick up his butt?"

"He's a nice guy once you get to know him."

"I'm sure he is," Lexie remarked softly, sighing when April shot her a cold glare. "So, uh, sparing me the dirty details of your little tryst last night, what happened?"

"We became…Well I don't know what we became."

"Did you kiss him?"

"Yes."

"Did he kiss you?"

"Oh yeah." She smiled when Lexie's face turned to one of disgust. "But that's the thing. We…"

"Played tonsil hockey."

"I wouldn't put it quite that eloquently," April countered with a hot glare before she continued, "And now we're, I don't know, trying to set boundaries at work. I kind of want to keep it under wraps and away from everyone else. And he…I don't think he does. He thinks I'm like ashamed or embarrassed by it."

"You were the first time around, April."

"But it's different this time around."

"You haven't proven that to him," Lexie told her. "As far as he knows, you're still the same person that rejected him a few months ago. He might see your resistance to publicize it as…embarrassment."

"How do I prove to him that it's not?"

"Well, that's going to be difficult to do without actually publicizing it."

"What if we tell only a few people?"

"April, if there's one thing you should have learned from this place, it's that nothing stays a secret. You tell one person and ten minutes later the entire hospital knows."

"So by telling you will the entire hospital know?"

"No. I'm going to tell Jackson and that's it," Lexie answered. "And I'll swear him to secrecy. He doesn't rat on people."

"That's what makes him such a great friend."

"It's frustrating when I'm trying to get gossip from him, but…" She smiled when April laughed. "Just…Talk to Stark. I'm sure he won't be such a grouch about this, if you explain it to him."

"You think so?"

"Hey, you know him better than I do."

April sighed. She had no idea what she was going to do now. He made it clear how he felt, now it was her turn to react. She just didn't want to hurt his feelings, especially not because of her own nervous fears. He didn't deserve for that to happen to him twice, not after how slow he was moving just so she could have a little bit of comfort.

* * *

><p>April didn't get the opportunity to see him the rest of the day. With complications surrounding his patients, he was forced to perform an emergency surgery that lasted four hours. Followed with that, he was whisked into another procedure that Dr. Robbins needed help with and then finally, when he had settled into his office to get some paperwork done, he was again interrupted by the mistakes of first year residents.<p>

April didn't find him until she was ready to leave for the night, dressed in her normal clothes. He looked exhausting, standing at the nurse's station surrounding by doctors who were consulting with him on a specific case. She decided as she watched him handle their questions with ease that she found him more attractive in jeans and a t-shirt than in scrubs and a lab coat. Each represented two sides of him; she respected the doctor side and was attracted to the human side. It seemed a win-win situation for her to experience both on a daily basis.

April decided now was the time to act, if she wanted to prove herself to him. With a breath of confidence, she advanced toward him. "Dr. Stark?"

He turned at the sound of his name and smiled. "Dr. Kepner."

Her actions were quick as she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him; she knew if she had moved slow, he would stop her. Now he had no other response except to fall into her embrace. She kissed him like they were the only two people in the room and she ignored everyone else because right now, in this moment, he was the only one here who mattered. Finally, she pulled away from him and smiled at his surprised face. "I'm coming by later, all right?"

"Oh-kay."

Stark watched her leave, not turning back to the doctors around him until she was out of sight. Their surprised and amused faces didn't catch him off guard. He scowled. "Don't you people have somewhere to be?"

They were gone within seconds; however, word soon spread around the hospital like wildfire. Everyone knew, and Stark didn't care because it was _her _decision, and that was what had made the difference. She had consciously put their relationship out there and wasn't afraid for anyone to know.

Nothing could ruin the rest of his day.


	8. A Bold Move

"That was an awfully bold move of you, Dr. Kepner."

She shrugged and scooted past him into his apartment, which was becoming much like a home away from home for her given the amount of time she had spent here the past couple weeks. April stopped, however, when she saw the kitchen. She turned to find him smiling and couldn't stop herself from mirroring the action. "Dinner for two?"

"I told you that I'd cook for you, didn't I?"

"What'd you make?"

"That's a surprise." He stopped her from going into the kitchen to find out by grabbing her arm, wheeling her around, and pulling her against him, his arms wrapped around her. "You didn't answer my question."

"I wasn't aware that you asked one."

"Why'd you kiss me back there?"

April shrugged and he saw in her the nervousness that had not existed when she had kissed him. She even looked away from him, blushing slightly. "I figured it was obvious."

"You couldn't keep your hands off me?" Stark scowled when the playful jest only made her more uncomfortable. "Hey."

She looked at him finally. "You thought that I was ashamed—embarrassed—by our relationship."

"And that was your statement proving you weren't?"

"I suppose so."

Stark scowled when she looked away from him again, as if embarrassed by the possibility of being embarrassed. Gently, he tilted her chin toward him with his hand and inspected her closely. What he saw was nervousness and fear; in the time the nervousness would die away, that wasn't his problem. What grabbed his attention was the fear, mostly because he wasn't sure if it was fear for his reaction or fear about their entire relationship. "April?"

"What?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just…Nothing's wrong."

"You can fake confidence with everyone else, April, but it won't work with me. Something's wrong. I can tell."

She shook her head and kissed him gently, pulling away before he could deepen the kiss and trap her. April forced a smile, and knew her attempt to fool him had failed miserably. He only stared at her, confused and perhaps mildly frustrated. "Robert, really. I'm all right."

"I don't believe you." When she looked away from him again, he scowled; standing here and debating whether or not something was bothering here was getting them no where. With a slow nod, he offered, "Here. Why don't you take your coat off. You're probably really hot."

He understood why she was so nervous when she allowed him to remove her jacket and turned around to face him, revealing nothing but the sexiest lingerie he had ever seen.


	9. Expectations

She smiled meekly, his look of surprise twisting her stomach into tighter knots. For a moment she thought she wasn't breathing. It was like time had stopped around them and seconds felt like hours. The look on his face hadn't changed, and she thought that she would never find the courage to speak again. "Robert, please say _something_."

He looked her up and down before he swallowed, his mouth dry. Clearing his throat, he said, "Definitely better than the Victoria's Secret models." When she blushed slightly, he admitted, "I didn't…didn't expect this when I opened the door. I wasn't expecting something so…Wow."

April finally smiled. "Is wow good?"

"Oh yeah. Wow is…wow." He chuckled uncomfortably, ran his fingers through his hair once, and looked her up and down. Finally, his eyes rested on hers and he regained some of his normal control and confidence. "You look amazing, that's for sure."

"Thank you."

"Um…I'm not sure what to do now." He looked into the kitchen, to the food that cooked on the stove. Finally, he looked back at her. Her eyes were nervous but she was smirking at him. "We're going to skip dinner for now, aren't we?"

"That's up to you."

"You can't leave that decision to me, April."

She smiled slightly. "Why you're having some lack of self-control now?"

"No," his tone was firm as he shook his head. "This is your first time. And it needs to feel right and you need to be comfortable and I can't be the one making the decisions here, because…this is your first time and it needs to be right for _you _otherwise it won't be right for us."

"So what are you saying?"

"I think we need to talk about sex before we actually have sex," he answered finally, as if the words pained him.

"What?"

"Yeah. I really think we should talk about this."

"As I'm standing in front of you wearing—"

"I know! God, I know, but—" He shook his head and sighed in frustration. "This needs to be right for you, April. And…Just jumping into bed isn't the right thing. You need to emotionally ready, as well as physically."

"And what if it turns out I'm not?"

"Then we wait," he answered with a nod. "And until then I'll have this image to keep me waiting for more."

"So…You really want to talk?"

"Yes. I think that would be best in this situation."

"You know," she slid onto the stool by the countertop for his kitchen, crossing her legs, "if it were anyone else we wouldn't even be having this conversation and we would be in the bedroom right now."

"Then I guess you're lucky."

"Why do you want to talk about this now?"

"Because I think it's better to get all our emotions and thoughts out before we have sex, rather than as we go. I don't want there to be any surprises, and I definitely want you to be comfortable."

"Robert—"

"Don't argue with me. Because you argue with me and then my control is going to wane and then we are going to end up in my bedroom and…"

"I want to have sex with you. Tonight."

Her bluntness surprised him, so much that he fidgeted slightly; he knew out here she was confident—cocky even—and so sure of what she wanted, but the minute they would enter that bedroom, her nerves would get the better of her. This confident demeanor would vanish, and she would hand the reigns over to him, trusting him enough to have him lead her through her first time. "One thing needs to made clear. Well, too things actually."

"Okay."

"Number one," he looked at her to make sure she was paying attention, "if you say stop—I don't care what we're doing—but if you tell me to stop, I will. No questions asked. If you're uncomfortable or nervous, you need to tell me, okay?"

"I understand. What's the second thing?"

"Tonight is about you, not me. Should you decide that you don't want to have sex, that's fine with me. I'll be happy no matter what we're doing."

April slid from the stool effortlessly and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him once more. "Can we stop talking now?'

He answered by taking her face in his hands and crushing her mouth against his own. He had meant to go slow, to show her that he wasn't going to push her quickly, but the moment his lips touched hers, he couldn't help himself. It didn't register with him that perhaps he was moving too quickly for her liking when the ended up on his bed. Stark took a moment to inspect her, her flushed face and nervous eyes. He laughed and shook his head, pulling away slightly when she gave him a confused stare. He rolled on his side and propped himself on his elbow, staring down at her.

"What are you smirking about?"

He shook his head and chuckled again. "I'm sorry, April. That was a little fast, wasn't it?"

"Did you hear me complain?"

"No, but I can see it in your eyes," he answered gently. "Are you all right?"

"Just a little nervous."

_All girls are their first time_. He remembered Arizona's words and smiled down at her. His point was to make this as comfortable as possible, and here he was pulling away from her like he was repulsed by her. She probably was made more nervous by him moving away than how quickly they had ended up here. "I'm sorry. I probably didn't help with that."

"Can…" She stopped and sighed before she looked at him, fear in her eyes. "Can we just go slow?"

Stark scowled at that look, like he was going to scream at her that it wasn't all right that they take it slow and that if she didn't want to do this, then she shouldn't have come over here wearing lingerie. That's when it hit him. "This is where Karev freaked out on you, wasn't it? When you asked him if you could go slow?"

April didn't answer, but kept her gaze steady on him.

"April, I—"

"Please, Robert," she pleaded. "Just…Tell me we can slow and it'll be all right."

He responded by kissing her gently. He positioned himself on top of her once more, supporting his weight on his hands, and stared down at her scared face, like this was do or die. "I don't care if it takes the entire night or never happens. Tonight is about _you_, April. Not me, not my needs, but yours. Do you understand that?"

She nodded slowly.

He was surprised with his own self-control. To be this close to her, this close to what he had dreamed about, it took everything he had not to break his promise and have his way with her. She wasn't making things easy; the lingerie was a definite turn on, and he knew she knew that. He wanted her right now, more than he had ever wanted anything, but knew if he lost control he would lose her completely. Waiting was better than losing her, he decided, as he kissed her gently. Finally, after she deepened the kiss between them, he pulled away. "How about we assume that we aren't having sex tonight?"

"What?"

"No expectations," Stark told her. "Will that make you more comfortable? Knowing that I'm not expectating anything?"

"Are you?"

"No. My only expectation is that you'll be honest with me and you won't have sex if you're not ready."

"How can you be so understanding?"

Stark laughed. "Because I'm not a jackass—at least not personally—and the thing about having sex as you get older, you aren't as selfish as you were when you're younger. I know that it's not just about me, and now it's definitely not just about me, but you."

For a moment she looked like she was going to cry. "I'm so sorry."

"Hey…" He shook his head. "Don't apologize. I told you it's all right."

"No, it's not fair and—"

"Stop, April. It's all right, really. I told you it wouldn't matter to me either way."

"It's not fair for me to—"

"It's not about me."

April wasn't really sure about the progression of events after that, except that was probably the push that had sent her over the edge. Somehow they had ended up on his couch—-away from the certainty of the bedroom—and he had told her countless times how it was all right and she didn't have anything to worry about because this didn't change anything. He would go as slow as she needed, and they could take all the time in the world. His gentle reassurance had started simply by tender caresses and small kisses to show her that he was still there with her, that he wasn't angry.

Somehow it had escalated—not by his own accord, but hers, because apparently in her nervousness she still couldn't keep her hands off him. Within minutes she was straddling him, her arms gripped his shoulders as he placed tender kisses along her jawline. His hands were firm yet gentle as they traced paths along her back, which sent shivers down her spine. His restraint was amazing; it was like he had done a complete 180 from the bedroom and was, in fact, taking his time. His kisses were so gentle that she barely even registered what he was doing. All she knew was that it felt good and she loved it, especially how every so often he would stop his routine and kiss her, before he continued again.

His final kiss had unhinged her. She threw her arms around his neck and returned the kiss as passionately as she knew how, hoping that was enough to convey to him just how much he affected her. The kiss was hot, wet, passionate, everything she had ever hoped for, exactly like all the romance books she had spent hours reading. As much as she admired and appreciated his restraint, she didn't like it. April wanted to know that she could affect him just as greatly as he did her. She wanted to see him—just for a moment—lose control like she had.

April wondered what it would take for that to happen. Obviously, her choice in clothing hadn't done it; he had lost some control them, but wasn't completely unhinged like she was becoming. His hands which still roamed her back were strong but not possessive, perhaps a little loving. Did he realize he was making her want him more? Or was it just his way of tenderly showing her he was here, wasn't going anywhere, and wouldn't freak out on her?

She wasn't sure of anything except that she wanted more. "Robert?"

He only murmured in response, pulling away from her slightly so he could see her face; his hands continued to caress her back, daring even to trace small circles on the small of her back. "Is something wrong?"

"No," she answered, smiling.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No." Was that a crack in her voice? In his? This entire situation was clouding her senses, her ability to think about anything except the shivers he sent down her spine. He only stared at her now, eyes open wide, alert. "You know, I used to hate you."

"That's romantic."

April laughed and shook her head slowly when he looked away from her with a scowl. "No, I'm just saying…It's amazing how far we've come since then."

"Psh, I knew you'd fall for my amazing charm."

"Uh-huh," she agreed gently with a smile, leaning down so she could kiss a line from his mouth to his ear; when she hit the spot right below his ear, she felt him tense beneath her and couldn't help but smirk. There it was, the spot that would unhinge him. April decided to take some initiative again; attempting to be as gentle as possible, she nibbled at his ear, purring gently when he tensed beneath her. "Do you like that?"

"Oh, God." He knew what she had meant; the question was innocent as she was genuinely concerned, but he couldn't get the possible double meaning out of his head. "April, don't say that."

"But-" She stopped when she realized what he was talking about; she chuckled softly and continued to gently kiss his neck. "You know I didn't mean it like, Robert."

"I know, but...I know." He forced the thought out of his head. "You know, this was supposed to be about you, not me."

April pulled away to look at him. "You already have me unhinged, you know that? I just wanted to see what it would take to do the same to you."

He smiled. "You're playing with fire."

"I like fire."

Stark shook his head, putting his hands on his cheeks as he kissed her. He kept her from moving away from him by sheer strength. "April, you don't want me to lose control. Not completely, at least. I lose control and... And then I can't make your first time special. So...I need an ounce of control here because I don't ever want to be that guy who is inconsiderate of your needs, who puts his needs above your own. I don't want to be that guy, April. Please don't try to make me become that. I would never forgive myself."

His plea stunned here; it was then she realized just how serious he was, just how much he cared about her and her comfort. It wasn't like she didn't know it was there, it was just now it suddenly became so clear to her. He had opened himself up and exposed himself to her, exposed his darkest fear: that he in, in some way, would hurt her. She clearly wasn't the only one who brought insecurities to the table. Hers were fear and nervousness and his was worry, worry that he wouldn't be good enough or what she needed. April wanted to prove to him just how much she needed him, how much she appreciated him and his resolve. He was nothing and everything like she had expected, and she needed him, plain and simple. She needed his understanding, his comfort, and his ability to see past himself for her. It was nothing like anything she had ever experienced before, and she couldn't believe she had ever thought he would do anything like Alex had done. Here he was, clearly putting aside his own needs for her, worried more about pleasing her than himself. She wanted to kick herself for letting others get to her before. What did they know, after all? They all assumed he'd attempt to sleep with her-because, after all, that was what they were used to-and he had proved himself. He had shown that he wasn't like them, that he wanted more from her than just sex.

With a soft chuckle, she wrapped her arms around his neck again and kissed him. "How could I ever have doubted you?"

Stark scowled, unsure of where that had come from. She looked like she was going to cry again, and he wanted to do everything within his power to stop that from happening. To see her pain, that was worse than her rejection. "April, are you all right?"

"I'm fine." God, there went her voice again. What the hell was wrong with her?

Stark didn't believe her. "Come on, talk to me."

She shook her head, chuckling as she rested it on his shoulder; he pulled her closer against him so there was no space between their bodies except for the material of his shirt and her silk. He wrapped his arms around her and held her gently, caressing her back in small circles comfortingly. His cologne smelled amazing; it was subtle, but she loved it. Even his silence spoke volumes to her. He still hadn't pressured her and was letting her take her time as she figured out how to tell him what really was bothering her. Finally, she whispered gently, "You're nothing like I thought you'd be."

He scowled again. "Um...Is that a good thing?" He felt her nod against him faintly. "What did you think I'd be?"

"A dick."

Stark laughed at her bluntness. "Well, I'm glad you saw that I wasn't anything like that."

"Me too."

He kissed her forehead gently when her hand started to gently make circles on his chest. "Are you getting hungry?"

"No," she answered softly, shaking her head. "I'm actually content right where I am."

"Well, if you get hungry, you'll let me know?"

April nodded, pulling away from him slightly after her neck started to hurt. She straightened her back and smiled when his eyes travelled to her breasts; he quickly looked away when he realized she had caught him, and she chuckled softly. "You," her fingers swiftly unbuttoned the top of his shirt, "can," another button gone, "stare," and another, "you know." She gently traced a path from the top of his chest down to his pants, smiling proudly when he tensed beneath her. April was beginning to like seeing this side of him, the unnerved side that rarely ever came out to play.

"April-" His breath caught when she ignored him, kissing him passionately. "You're really playing with fire right now, okay. You-"

"Need to stop?"

"Well, that and I was going to say that for someone who's never had sex before, you sure know what the hell you're doing." She was confident, too, now that she had seen that she could unnerve him with a simple touch. He didn't like it; when she was cocky, her actions were dangerous, uninhibited. "Did you do some research or something?"

"The internet's a valuable resource."

He laughed. "You know, you don't need to be perfect, April. No one's perfect their first time. I know I sure as hell wasn't my first time."

"I don't want it to be be perfect, per se, just...good."

Before he could tell her that anything she did would be good to him and he would tell her what he liked-and all it would take was some practice-he was interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone. With a scowl, he fished it out of his pocket, and seeing it was the hospital, told her, "April, I have to take this."

"Okay." She understood that now definitely nothing would be happening tonight, especially when his face turned into frustration-perhaps even a little fear. Gently and silently, she buttoned his shirt back up. By the time he was done with the phone call, she had finished and asked, "They need you to go in, don't they?"

"Yeah. April, I-"

"It's okay. Part of being a doctor right?" She smiled gently. "You go. I can show myself out."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'm just going to head home anyway."

"I'm sorry, that tonight wasn't what you expected it to be," he told her truthfully, kissing her gently.

"It's not your fault, it's mine."

Stark shook his head as she climbed off him and they moved to grab their coats. "Don't ever think that, April. You weren't ready, there's nothing wrong with that. I'd rather you know now than regret it later on."

"Hey." she grabbed his arm before he could leave the apartment. With a soft smile, she kissed him again, lingering slightly when he returned the embrace. Finally, when they separated and she finished sliding her long coat on, she told him, "I'll see you at work tomorrow, all right?"

"Yeah, okay."

April could see there was something more that he was refusing to tell her by the way his body immediately tenses and his face fell. "Hey, what is it?"

"Nothing."

"Hey-"

"It's nothing."

April stopped him from leaving quickly by grabbing his arm; he could have pulled away easily, but instead he allowed her to keep him there. "Robert, what is it?"

"It's nothing."

"Come on, you can't just-"

"I love you."

Before she could say anything, he was gone.


	10. A Professional Discussion

**A/N: I think someone should give chapter three a little love. It's looking a little lonely with no reviews. Just kidding. You don't have to if you don't want to, but it would be nice :) As always, thanks for the wonderful reviews! They make my day when I see them! **

April watched him leave, her mouth open in shock, fear, surprise, confusion...She wasn't sure what was going through her mind, or that she had heard him correctly. Had he said what she thought he had said? Strangely, she felt like the other woman; here she was, in his apartment, in nothing but lingerie and after a tryst (possible, in their case) he had left her after professing his love. Did he even believe what he had said, or had he just said it? For a moment April thought she was going to be sick, but not because he had said it, but because she didn't know if she felt the same way. And if she told him that...God, she thought he would walk away from her. That scared her, made her want to curl up on the couch with a bottle of wine, drinking herself silly until he returned from whatever emergency he was called in to handle.

He had said he loved her, like it was as natural as breathing. And then he had fled.

She wasn't sure what to do; the last time this had happened to her, when a guy had left her half-naked, he hadn't returned, he had made her feel terrible. She knew that wasn't Stark's intention. After all, he had told her that he loved her. There was no way that could have been construed as an attempt to make her feel inadequate in some way.

April sighed and stared around the apartment, really unsure of what she should expect next, perhaps even a little afraid to find out.

* * *

><p>"Dr. Stark, is something the matter?"<p>

"No, Dr. Robbins, nothing is the matter." He was quickly scrubbing out, lathering his arms roughly as though there were bugs crawling over his skin, threatening to bite him.

His tone indicated to her that he was lying and that something was bothering him. Instead of calling him out on it, she commented softly, "You're getting out of here pretty quickly."

"I just...It's been a rough night, that's all."

Arizona began to scrub out as well, tearing off her cap as she threw it into the garbage. "Dr. Stark? You're flustered, and it's not because that patient almost died on us three times. What's wrong?"

He stopped scrubbing out and turned to face her, sighing. "I don't want to talk about it."

Arizona eyed him carefully before she sighed heavily, understanding that there was only one thing capable of causing of him discomfort because he never let himself close enough to a patient to get emotionally involved, one of the things she didn't like about him professionally. "Something happened with Kepner, didn't it?"

He shot her a hot glare; he didn't say a word to her until the nurses and other surgeons had scrubbed out and left the room. With a sigh of his own, he turned to dry his hands off before he tore off his cap. After a few moments, he turned to face her and watched her do the same thing. With his arms crossed, Stark told her, "I did something that I probably shouldn't have."

"My God, you didn't do what Karev did, did you?" She had learned from other residents what he had done to Kepner, and to have that repeated...That girl did not deserve that, and Arizona would personally berate Stark if that was the case.

Stark scowled with a scoff. "That's actually offensive, you know."

Arizona sighed in relief. "So what happened then?"

"I...Um..." He sighed and laughed uncomfortably, looking down at the floor to find some courage to spit this out. "I told her that I loved her."

"You did what?"

"I know!"

"You...You-"

"I know!"

Arizona shook her head, hoping that it would wipe away some of the surprise. When it didn't work, she stammered, "I...I don't know what to say. What-What did she say when you told her that?"

"See, that's the other thing-"

"Oh God, what did you do?"

"I kinda...Well, I kind of bailed on her. I walked out and left her in my apartment."

"If it wasn't assault, I would slap you." She shook her head and sighed, almost in disgust. "I mean, that's almost as bad as me leaving for Africa from Callie after breaking up with her in the airport. I...How could you do that to her? Jesus, she's probably back there panicking and freaking out and so worried and-"

"I know!" He knew he had caught her off guard when he slammed his fist down on the table, more angry at himself than at her. "Okay, I know! I shouldn't have done it and now...Now I don't know what to do."

"You have to go back."

"What if..."

"And what if you don't go back? Because I gaurantee you it's going to cause more a problem if you just abandon her in your apartment than if you go back and face what you said to her. At least then you two can hash this thing out. By ignoring her and not going back...That's just like a slap in the face."

"But, it gives her time to process, to think about what I said and decide if she is really freaked out about it."

"You left her in your apartment!"

Stark groaned in frustration, running his fingers through his hair because it was the only thing he could do besides hitting the table again. How could he have been so stupid to admit that in the first place? He should have just lied to her and said he was flustered about the surgery-because, after all, it was a four year old boy who had come into the hospital because his father had shoved him down a flight of stairs-and he should have left. But he hadn't lied to her; he had told her the truth, and for a moment it felt like the truth was the most painful thing he would ever experience. Maybe it was not knowing, he decided, that hurt him the most. Not knowing and the fear that she would never look at him again. God, why hadn't he lied to her? It would have been so simple. But no, he had told her the truth, and now he wanted more than anything to take it back. The only positive light he could find in any of this was that he hadn't said it during sex. He regained his composure. "That's not the worst part."

"It gets worse! What did you do? Insult her, too?"

"No..." He scowled. "God I hope I didn't."

"What could possibly make it worse?"

He didn't want to admit this part, but her cold stare was forcing the words to come up from his throat. "She was wearing...you know."

Arizona scowled. "What? Nothing? Half-naked? Lingerie?" When he looked away from her at the last one, her mouth fell open in surprise. "You left her in your apartment wearing nothing but lingerie! She has never had sex before and she goes out on a limb and wears that something revealing like that and you do that?"

"You don't have to yell at me."

"Oh, no, I think I kind of do. Because she isn't going to do it and someone needs to bitch at you for that." Arizona shook her head, slightly disgusted. "I cannot believe you did that."

"Hey, I thought we were friends. Friends aren't supposed to look at their friends like they're scum on the bottom of a shoe."

"They do when the friend was being a total jackass and was wrong," Arizona returned. "I can't believe you did that to her. You don't do that to people you love!"

Stark groaned and slid against the wall until he was sitting against it. His face in his hands, he sighed heavily. "I don't know what to do. I'm a great surgeon, chief of pediatrics-"

"Thank you for rubbing that last one in.

He continued as if she had not interrupted him, "-And I have no idea what to do now."

"You've never told a woman that you loved her before?"

"I've done that. I just..." He rocked back and forth slightly, sighing heavily in exasperation. "April's different. She's so..."

"Innocent?"

Stark scoffed. "She was anything but that earlier."

"Thanks for that disturbing picture," Arizona responded with her own dark scowl at the image. She shook her head when he smirked and told him, "You need to go back, Dr. Stark."

"I can't face her. I mean, what if she...What if I scared the hell out of her?"

"Like it said, it probably scares the hell out of her more to have you here than there, explaining yourself. You need to go to her, for her own sanity, no matter how much it scares the hell out of you. Because... Because when you love someone, sometimes it's more about them than it is about you."

Stark looked up at her. "You're right."

Arizona laughed. "I think that's the first time I've ever heard you say that."

"There's a first time for everything." Stark stopped, scowling at the pun he had made accidentally. Finally, he got the courage and strength to stand. "I do have to go back, don't I?"

"Yes. She deserves better than a man who is going to run away from her."

"I can't believe I did that. I just..." He sighed. "I don't know."

"You'll figure it out, Dr. Stark. You will. Just follow your heart. Oh wait...That's what got you here in the first place." She smiled when he glared at her attempt to be funny; he was not amused, clearly, and left the room before she could say anything more about the subject.

Stark had changed from his scrubs back into his normal around the hospital wear, and was about to head home-back to her-when he stopped suddenly. She stood at the nurse's station, dressed in her own set of scrubs and doctor's coat. Like a reflex, his mind travelled back to a few hours ago; he forced the memory out of his head. It wasn't appropriate at work, to look at her like he had seen her naked. Stark felt his breath catch at the sight of her-or was that his heart?-and felt his body freeze, unable to move. Moments passed, and she must have known someone was staring at her, for she turned and gazed over at him. He couldn't move, couldn't even breathe. All he could do was attempt to analyze her stare, see what she was thinking. When he came up blank, the knot in his stomach grew.

He didn't want to approach her; all he wanted to do was walk away, perhaps ignore her the same way he had after her rejection. The thought worried him. Would she reject him again? His stomach twisted tighter, worse than any stressful night as his first few years as a doctor. She closed the chart and looked like she was going to advance toward him when she was intercepted by Dr. Altman, who swooped her up and swept her away, down the hall, out of his sight.

He was torn, his memory shifting from that look in her eyes when she saw him from afar-he wished he could define it-and surprise in her eyes when he had told her he loved her. The two looks were unmistakably different, and Stark wasn't sure if that was a blessing or a curse. Part of him didn't ever want to find out.

* * *

><p>Hours passed and he still hadn't seen her since the nurse's station. Now, all he could do was drown himself in his mixed emotions, the food on his plate offering no help except to shovel the pain down-he knew it wouldn't help completely. A band-aid wasn't enough to fix a bloody, hideous gash. Stark didn't mind sitting alone; in fact, he was used to it, considering his only real friends at this hospital were Arizona and April-maybe his assistant, but he was certain that she hated him, too, considering he didn't need her quite as frequently. He wasn't sure what had gotten him here, but he knew the emotions, had recognized their paths instantly. It had gown from...contempt to surprise to attraction to even more attraction to pain, then from pain to longing, from longing to attraction again, from attraction to a dark lust, from lust to love, and finally from love to...to now he was kicking himself and wishing he had better check of emotions.<p>

Maybe if he could control his emotions he would have been able to control his emotions and wouldn't be sitting here, trying to figure out what the hell he would say to April when he had the courage to face her.

The slam of a tray on his table startled him so much that he looked up. There she stood-well, now sat-with a look of fury in her eyes. He didn't say anything, only stared at her, hoping she would make the first move, maybe call him out for what he did to her. Instead, she furiously sipped her soda before she slammed that down, too. "People are so...infuriating. Don't you think so, Dr. Stark?"

"What..." Was she talking about him? "What happened, Dr. Kepner?"

"It's like a natural reflex for people to think, 'Oh, I'm not going to do that even though she told me to. No, I don't have to listen to her. She's just a chief resident, what could she possibly know?'"

Stark kept himself from breathing a sigh of relief. "What'd you do?"

"Put him in his place, is what I did." She wouldn't look at him, like he wouldn't look at her unless he was certain she was staring somewhere else.

"That must have been frustrating."

"It was, especially since I wasn't having that bad of a morning."

That comment sparked his attention so much that he couldn't take his eyes off her-at least, that was until it looked like she was going to stare at him, too. Stark looked down at his tray and sipped his soda quietly, the knot in stomach growing tighter and tighter as each second passed. "You were having a good morning?"

"My boyfriend told me he loved me." Their eyes met. "So, I guess that was a plus."

"Did that bother you, that he told you that?"

"Bothered me more that he left me in his apartment having no idea what to do because I didn't have a key to lock his apartment when I left. Luckily, I found key and was able to shut off all the lights and lock the place up before I left."

"That was a real dick move of him to do that."

"Yeah, it was."

"He's probably kicking himself right now because of it."

"You know what bothered me even more than that, though? Like infuriating."

"What's that?"

"Is that I'm not at all sure that he meant it. Because he could have been just saying it-maybe not even aware of what he was saying-or maybe he thought that's what I wanted to hear or maybe it was because I was wearing something that was more...revealing. I don't even know if he meant it when he said it."

"He meant it."

"You think so?"

"Yeah. People-at least some people that I know-don't say those three little words if they don't mean it. It's just not right. Kind of like it's not right to make someone do something they're uncomfortable with."

"He didn't pressure me, either, when I told him that I wasn't comfortable with things moving at such a fast past physically."

"Sounds like a good man."

"He is," April responded. They hadn't looked away from each other, and neither of their faces had changed. It was just a blank face with blank stares, as if this conversation was like one they would have while staring at an x-ray. "But I have to admit, Dr. Stark, that I'm a little worried."

"About what?"

"How he would feel if I didn't say it back, if I wasn't ready to say that back. I'm afraid that he'd bail on me, you know, maybe not talk to me anymore because of it."

"If he's a good man he'll accept that, just like he accepted your desire not to have sex."

His stare was so honest, so firm, that she was forced to look away because she couldn't take it anymore, because it warmed her heart and brought tears to her eyes, because God he was so perfect that she couldn't believe how lucky she was that she had found him, that he loved her. April didn't look up at him for a long while, and when she finally did, he was still staring at her, his gaze gentle, maybe a little fearful of her reaction. She furiously blinked away the tears, feeling her entire body tense when he reached across the table and took her hand in his, tender, sweet, and emitting so much love and compassion that she thought she would never feel her heart beat again. And like that, she couldn't stop the tears. His grip only tightening when his other hand reached across and took her other one, forcing her to look at him. His gaze was so steady, so strong, so honest and unwavering that April couldn't take her eyes off him.

"I hope those aren't sad tears, Dr. Kepner." He paused before he added, "Because I think your boyfriend would feel terrible to think that he had made you cry sad tears. Like, I don't think he would ever forgive himself."

"I'm thinking about stopping over at his place later tonight, to talk to him about this morning."

"Ever think that maybe he'd like to see your place?"

April didn't scowl; the hopeful yet blunt stare on his face prevented her from feeling anything besides the heat of his hand, like that was his heart's way of reaching out to her and attempting to comfort her soul. "I never thought about it, really. You think he'd like that?"

"I think he would. It's always nice to invite someone into your world every once in a while."

"I don't even feel like I'm a part of his world, not really. I mean, he doesn't really tell me anything about himself. I wish he'd do that more often."

"I'm positive he wouldn't mind doing that for you, either."

"Maybe I'll have him meet me at my place tonight," April offered, her face finally breaking out in a smile. "Maybe...Maybe he and I could make out on the couch in shared space a little bit to give my roommates a taste of their own medicine."

"I think he would like that very much." After a moment of silence-and the fact that they had not stopped looking at each other, nor had their hands separated-Stark told her, "I think your boyfriend is very lucky to have you."

"I'm the lucky one."


	11. The Tortoise and the Hare

**A/N: My goal was to keep Stark and Kepner as in character as possible, and I'm glad to see that I did that well enough to convince you guys. Those were the biggest compliments I could have been given about my fanfiction, and they mean the world to me :) So, thank you so much. And don't worry, this story isn't going anywhere. There are still a few twists around the bend. **

* * *

><p>"So this is where you live, huh?" He opened his car door to meet her on his side; she had insisted on driving her own car, picking him up and driving him over here. At first he had refused and argued about gas because it would be one more trip to drive him home that it would take if he just drove himself, but she had refused completely. She had shut him down and before he could argue any more, she had shown up at his apartment and practically forced him into her car. Now, his only choice was to obey her wishes; after all, he'd be walking home if he didn't. With a smile, he stared at the house. "Pretty big compared to my shabby little apartment."<p>

"At least you have your entire apartment to yourself. I have to share a bathroom, kitchen, and laundry room with three other people." After all, Meredith had allowed Alex back into her home when he had okayed Zola going to live with her, a small start to a redemption that he might never find. April hoped, silently, that Alex wasn't home and was out at the bar, because if Stark saw him...She was afraid a brawl would take place-and she knew no one in that house would call the cops because, as far as they were all concerned, Alex deserved a good hit from time to time. April thought wryly, for a moment, that Jackson would probably take part in the festivity if Stark let up for a moment to allow someone else a turn.

"Who all lives here?"

"Well," She wrapped her arm around his as they walked up the driveway, "It's Meredith's house. And then she married Derek, and then it became their house-even though they're building a house of their own to move into. So, the people she lets live here are me, Lexie and Jackson-"

"The rabbits?"

"Yes," she answered, smiling, "but I wouldn't tell them that if I were you."

"Oh, I minored in discretion in college," Stark told her, smiling when she continued to smirk. "All right. Is that it then? Just you three and Meredith and Derek?"

"Well," she was cautious as she told him this, "Alex lives here, too."

"Karev?" He stopped, keeping her from moving away from him when she attempted to continue into the house. He stared at her, his eyes cold and a little angry and frustrated, before he asked, "Karev lives here with you?"

"Yes, he does." She gave him a scowl. "Is that a problem?"

"I hate him." His answer was blunt, perhaps a little agitated, like that was a piece of information she should have understood by now. He sighed, realizing the snarky tone, and shook his head.

"Well, I've forgiven him for what he did."

"That doesn't mean that I have," Stark answered gruffly, sighing as he continued to walk with her until they reached the front door. He scowled slightly when she removed her arm from his, but smiled when she took his hand instead. After she had taken out her key and they were safely inside-and he had not seen Karev yet-he asked, "You're going to ask me to be civil, aren't you?"

"I'd appreciate that. I don't want my work relationship to be strained with him more than it already is."

"Is that strain because of me?"

"No," she answered, appreciating his concern. She kissed his cheek gently, pulling him into the living room which was, too, empty. She wasn't expecting anyone to be home soon. Meredith and Derek both had late rounds and wouldn't be home until the morning, she figured Jackson and Lexie were in her/his room doing the deed, and Alex was probably at the bar. Not that it mattered to her if anyone saw them together; they all knew she was seeing him, anyway. The entire hospital knew, and she liked it that way. There was no skirting around the issue, no pretending. She was sick of pretending, and she knew he probably felt the same.

"Liar."

April shook her head and forced him to sit down on the couch where she sat beside him. "No, Robert. It's not your fault that he decides to have a stick up his ass and give me shit about our relationship together. That's completely his fault. Besides, he doesn't like anyone who doesn't take a shining to him. It's not your fault."

"I don't want to make work difficult-"

"Stop." She silenced him by kissing him. "You're fine, Robert, really."

"I might need a little more reassurance," Stark told her, smiling when she kissed him again, this time lingering just for a moment just to please him. "That's much better. I'm starting to believe you a little bit more now."

"Good."

"So...Is he here, or...?"

"I don't think so," April answered. "But would you rather spend time with Karev or with me? Because I can call him up and have him come over here if that's what you'd prefer."

"No, no." Stark stopped her from pulling her phone from her pocket before he smiled. "I'd much rather talk to you, April."

"Is that because I actually like you?"

"That, and you're much better to look at, too," he told her, smiling when she blushed; every little compliment made her blush. "You know, April, you're going to have to start getting used to being complimented by me. Because they aren't going to stop."

"What makes you think I'm not used to it?"

"Because," he answered after a moment, "you keep blushing when I compliment you."

April smiled. "They're just going to keep coming?"

"Oh, yeah," Stark told her, smiling. "Because there are a lot of things about you that I can compliment, and I have a lot of knew things to compliment you on after yesterday."

"Are you into me for my beauty or my brains?"

"Both. But after last night..." He smiled. "I mean, I knew you were beautiful but I never quite...It's easy to hide your figure underneath scrubs."

"Thank you."

He nodded. "You do have an amazing figure."

"I appreciate that, mostly because the way you compliment me isn't degrading in any way shape or form." April smiled when he shrugged. "And that's...definitely different than a lot of men who are my age."

"That's another benefit of dating someone who's older."

"Oh, and what's the first benefit?"

"Experience."

April laughed and shook her head, taking his hand in hers, gently caressing it with her thumb. "So...Do you want to watch a movie or something?"

"Sure. Got anything in mind?"

"Does it really matter?" When he looked at her, confused, she told him, "Well, we won't really be watching the movie, will we?"

Stark laughed and shook his head. "That's up to you, not me."

"You know, as much as I appreciate this we're-going-to-take-it-slow and do-whatever-you-want-to-do and this-isn't-about-me-but-about-you, as much as I appreciate all those, there are two people in this relationship, Robert. And you do have a say in what we do. You have a voice, and I would appreciate it if you voiced it from time to time. Tell me what you want."

"If I had my way..." He stopped. "Well, I don't know what we'd be doing. But I'm actually very content with what we're doing right now."

"Just talking?"

"And holding hands," Stark added for her, raising their joined hands. He didn't really care what they were doing, as long as he could touch her, even if it was holding hands. It was so small, but so intimate and sweet that he couldn't help but smile. "Sounds like a pretty good time to me."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"And you don't want...anything more? You're content with just sitting here, talking and holding hands, nothing more?"

"Exactly. I don't need sex, April. Is it nice, yeah, but it is necessary for my survival? No." He chuckled softly. "You're living proof that people can survive and be successful without sex. Besides," he added after a moment, "you're worth the wait."

"Well, shucks."

He smiled when she chuckled and looked away from him, maybe her way of hiding a blush; not wanting to completely break their connection, he transfered her hand to his empty one and wrapped his now free arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer to him, letting her rest her head on his shoulder. He sighed happily, loving the connection and how relaxed she was with him, coming a long way from what they were before. "This is much better than holding hands."

She lifted their joined hands. "Still holding hands."

Stark smiled and kissed her hair gently. "I really like your perfume. Where'd you get that from?"

"Wherever you bought it."

He chuckled. "It's nice."

"I would hope you think so," April answered softly, barely a whisper, because it wasn't necessary to talk any louder with him when they were so close. "Your cologne isn't too bad, either."

"Thank you."

April smiled, pulling away from him just enough so she could kiss him comfortably, her hand on his chest. He was gentle again, controlled, and didn't deepen the kiss too far. Even when people weren't around-though there was a possibility of it-he was still respectful. He wasn't at all like Jackson and Lexie, who had no problem flaunting what they had. Maybe some of his caution came from respect for her, and how she felt about public displays of affection, but she wasn't sure. She just knew she didn't want this to end. If she had her way-and she was planning on having her way-they would kiss all night without qualms from anyone else.

"Hey, guys."

April pulled away from him slightly to see that Jackson and Lexie had walked through the door, holding hands. She smiled slightly and met Stark's bright eyes before she turned back to the couple; Lexie looked surprised and Jackson looked-disgusted? April couldn't place the look on his face, only that she haven't seen it before. April fought a laugh. "Oh, hey, guys. How's it going?"

"You guys look, uh, comfortable."

Stark chuckled. "How you two doing?"

"We're, uh, we're good," Jackson answered, feeling slightly uncomfortable. He turned his attention to April. "Is this what you feel whenever Lexie and I...you know?"

"Yes," April answered.

"I am so sorry."

April laughed and rose from the couch, helping Stark to his feet. "See, but the difference is that we're going to go upstairs because we know how uncomfortable it makes you."

Lexie smiled. "Well, I'm happy that you found someone to make out with, in a room, where there's a door, that locks."

Laughing once more, April took Stark's hand and led him out of the room, up the stairs, to her bedroom. When they were there, alone and unworried about roommates, she saw his confused face and explained, "When, um, when we were supposed to watch that movie-"

"_From Here to Eternity_."

"Yeah...When we were supposed to watch that together and we didn't, I watched it downstairs in the living room. Well, when I went in there to finally watch it, they were making out on the couch."

"Like we were?"

"No, because I didn't like what they were doing at all." She smiled when he smirked slightly; he smiled around her more often, and she liked that. "Anyway, I interrupted them and turned the volume up really loud so they would leave. Well, while I did that, I told them that if I had someone to make out with, I would do it in a room where there's a door that locks. And I guess they never forgot about it."

"Guess not. Do you want me to shut the door?"

"Yes."

"And lock it?" He smirked when she gave him a playful stare. "Or, are we not in high school and people won't just come barging in the room?"

"Jackson and Lexie won't knock, not that they know that we're up here. And Meredith doesn't enter anyone's room without knocking, so... You can lock it if you want, if you're more comfortable that way."

"They're going to think that we're having sex, won't they, if I lock it?"

"They'll think that either way, Robert," she answered, heading into her closet. He couldn't see her, but moments later she returned, this time wearing a light, thin sweatshirt.

"Are you cold?"

"It's a little chilly in here, don't you think?" She stopped, however, to take a moment to inspect him. He was wearing a fleece, there was no way he was cold like she had been. "Guess not."

Stark smiled. "So what do you want to do?"

"I told you," April answered after a moment. "We're going to make out."

"Ah, see, you told that to my alter ego. Yeah. He didn't give me that message."

"Well," she walked over to him and threw her arms around his neck, kissing him softly, pulling away before he could deepen the kiss, "I'm telling you, so how do you like that?"

"I like that very much."

"Your alter ego figured you would."

* * *

><p>An hour had passed before they realized exactly what time it was, and their make-out session had ended only because April's phone had started to vibrate from a text message. She smiled when Stark groaned slightly, irritated by the interruption, and rolled on his back as she grabbed her phone. April looked at the message before she told him, "Jackson and Lexie cooked dinner and they have invited us down to join them if you want to go."<p>

He stared at her, his eyes clearly not interested.

"What? You don't like the idea?"

"No, it's not that." Stark sighed and ran his fingers through his hair before he looked at her, his eyes softening slightly-as they always did whenever he looked at her now. "It's just..."

When he trailed off with a sigh, April rolled over so she was propped on her elbow, a better way to look at him. "What is it?"

He scowled. "I don't know how to say this without sounding like a complete jackass."

"Just say it."

"If I wanted to spend time with Jackson and Lexie-" The names were weird to him, considering he had always referred to them as Dr. Avery and Dr. Grey, and would most likely continue doing so regardless of tonight. "I would. But...I want to spend time with you, not them."

April nodded in understanding. "But, they are my friends. And friends...friends are part of the package, too."

"And I understand that, it's just-"

"I'd like you to get to know my friends, at least feel comfortable around them outside of the hospital," April told him. "Because if you're going to be coming over here more-which is what's going to happen because I'm not going over to your place all the time-then you're going to need to be comfortable around them. You can't be that stone cold boyfriend that doesn't communicate with anyone but your girlfriend."

"But I don't want to get to know them."

"I'm not asking you to. I'm just asking for you to be civil, you know? Talk to them. Make it seem like you're more than just a guy I'm dating, especially since you're going to be spending a lot more time around here."

"I am?"

She nodded. "You are."

"Well, then," he surged forward, putting his weight on his hands, "I suppose I can go down there and make some conversation with them. What...What would we talk about?"

"How about what we talked about?"

"Something tells me that old-fashioned movies doesn't interest your housemates." He smiled when she shook her head. "Well...What are we going to talk about? Hockey?"

"Does Seattle even have a hockey team?"

"No, closest one is Vancouver," Stark answered, shrugged when she raised her eyebrows at him in surprise. "I grew up watching hockey with my dad. He played in the big leagues for a little bit while I was growing up."

"Did he?"

Stark nodded. "It's how they payed for college and medical school. My mom said to him that he better make money so they could put us through college without a problem. And they did. They were really frugal in what they spent and they were able to pay for my four years of college and then four years of med school. Same for my sister, although she went on to law school instead of med school."

"I didn't know you had a sister."

"Most people don't. Her and I aren't that close, really."

He looked away from her as he said that, making April wonder if there was something more that he wasn't telling her, that pained him too much to vocalize; or, maybe, she was reading too much into it and it was an honest action with no double meaning. April felt the need to find out more. "No?"

"She is eight years younger than I am," Stark answered. "When you have that big of a gap, sometimes it's hard to stay close, and it especially was for us, especially when I moved away for college and our career paths took such severe turns. It's nice to have a lawyer as a sister, though. She knows a lot of good malpractice lawyers in case I get into trouble."

April smiled, loving how he was slowly revealing himself and his past to her, comfortably obviously, because he offered the information with hesitance. "So that, uh, that frugal lifestyle was engrained in you, wasn't it?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, you probably have a pretty decent salary-probably able to live as comfortably as you please-and yet you still have a small little apartment."

Stark shrugged. "That's only because I don't need anything bigger. I'm just one person, and I don't need much."

"But you are frugal?"

"Not when I spend."

April laughed at his dry sense of humor. When her phone vibrated again, and she saw that it was from Lexie, she asked, "So are we going to head down there or not?"

"Might as well."

"Oh, Robert-" April stopped him from completely moving from the bed. "Do me a favor?"

"Besides going down there and making conversation with them?"

"Yes, besides that." When he offered nothing more besides an open ear to listen to her plea, she asked, "Can you not be Dr. Stark down there and just be the Robert that I know and I like."

He scowled. "I'll try. I can't make any promises."

"Hey, if you can not be just a doctor with me, I'm certain you can do the same thing for them just for one evening."

"See, the difference between then and now," he answered as he helped her to her feet and moved to open the door for her, "is that I actually like you."

"Correction: you _love _me."

Stark smiled; he could wait patiently until he heard the same words come from her-at least, he hoped that day would come. Stark didn't care whether it be sooner or later, so long as it happened. But he wouldn't hate her if she never said it...God he hoped he wouldn't hate her. He kissed her gently before she bounced away from him, down the stairs. Stark moved slowly as he followed her down the stairs, into the kitchen where Jackson and Lexie had, in fact, prepared a meal. He smiled gently and asked, "Alfredo?"

"You don't mind chicken, do you?" Jackson asked, fighting the urge to refer to the older surgeon by his professional name. He thought for a moment, and realized that he didn't even know the man's first man. After Stark shook his head and pulled out April's chair for her, Jackson chuckled uncomfortably. "You know, this is actually a little embarrassing but, uh-"

"My first name is Robert," Stark told him, his voice blunt, neither cold nor warm, as matter-of-fact as if he were in the operating room with all of them. "You can call me Robert, if you want. Just not at the hospital. I'll stare at you if you call me that at the hospital."

"No offense, Robert," Lexie answered, the name weird as it rolled off her tongue, "but you just stare at us anyway."

"Yeah, see, but that's out of contempt, not anger." He smiled when Jackson and Lexie both chuckled uncomfortably. "Do the two of you need any help?"

"Oh, well-"

"He's actually very good in the kitchen," April told them with a smile. "A couple days ago he made jambalaya, which was delicious."

Jackson and Lexie's eyes met before they looked back at Stark, clearly a little perplexed. "You cook?"

"Yes, I cook," Stark answered; his tone hadn't changed. It was so matter-of-fact that if Jackson and Lexie weren't in the room, April would have asked him to show some emotion, preferably a hint of interest. "I like to cook, I just don't normally do it a lot. It's...It's kind of hard to plan for just one person. A lot of times it's easier to just go out. But you guys don't have that problem, do you?"

April smiled at him; he was trying, that was for sure. He was uncomfortable, but he was trying for her. She thought for a moment that she should give him the same courtesy-at least in the bedroom-when she realized that he wouldn't allow that. This was conversation, not something greater. Besides, he knew her well enough to know when she was uncomfortable, kind of like she knew he wasn't relaxed now.

Time seemed to pace in silence as they all grabbed their own plate and filled it. April smiled at him once again when he did the gentleman thing and pulled out her chair for her. His attempts at conversation were short, sweet, and she could admire it simply because he was trying. He certainly pulled out all the stops in the gentleman department, even standing when Lexie stood up to fix herself a second plate. Soon, they had all finished eating and April and Stark were left alone in the kitchen after Jackson and Lexie excused themselves.

"They're going to go have sex, aren't they?"

"Probably," April answered, scowling at the thought; his scowl made her slightly uncomfortable. "Does that bother you because, well..."

"Because we aren't having sex?" Her silence and the way she looked away from quickly gave him his answer. "That doesn't bother me. It's just...Is that all their relationship is? Sex?"

"I don't think so. I don't think they'd be together this long if it was just sex." April shrugged. She had seen them, in small moments, be tender with one another in a way that wasn't sexual. They could be there fore each other in moments where support was needed-and she figured sex buddies, if strictly sex buddies, didn't have those moments.

"Is that all they do?"

"Here, yes," April told him with a shrug, taking his hand in her own; she was beginning to love holding his hand. It was strong but gentle at the same time, like years of experience had taught him to be both kind and assertive, always taking his partner's needs into consideration. "I can't tell you if that's all they do at the hospital."

"I hope not. Hospital's meant for work, not sex."

"You should have seen the hospital before you got here," April said, laughing slightly. He looked at her like he didn't want to imagine the picture. "It was all about who was having sex with who. I think some of the nurses actually made bets on which resident would sleep with who and how long the 'relationships' would last."

"Have people made bets on us?"

April chuckled. "I think people were too surprised to even consider making bets. But, I wouldn't doubt there's a small pool going around guessing on when you and I are going to have sex. Hey, we should each put our money in so we could win the entire pot."

Stark smiled but shook his head. "You won't know when you're ready. You can't predict that, April."

She returned his smile. "You really can ruin an attempt at a funny moment, you know that?"

"I'm sorry."

He didn't sound sorry, but as serious as she had ever seen him, because this was a serious topic for him, one that he didn't want to joke around about. Was that an attempt to make her more comfortable, to show that he didn't see her virginity as such a joke and that he did take her situation seriously? She wanted to change the subject instantly. "Hey, you want to go back upstairs?"

"Sure..." He stopped himself from standing. "Do you by any chance have a mint?"

"Does my breath smell?"

"No," Stark told her, smirking. "Not for you, but me."

"I think there's some in my room," she answered, taking the extended hand that he offered to help her up. "Come on, Robert. Let's go make out."

He laughed as she pulled him back up the stairs again, so thankful that his admission had not changed anything between them. It had not done much of anything really, but what it had done was make them stronger, made her more at ease around him, and he was thankful for that small step in the right direction.


	12. It's Dr Stark

**A/N: Drawing on a little bit of Grey's history for this chapter...**

Stark never thought he would be that guy, the one who stole glances from a distance because he couldn't take his eyes off the woman that he loved. After the panic and fear had subsided, that simple admission brought a sweet serenity to him, that he could say the words aloud and actually believe them. He did believe them, he realized quickly; he had meant them, completely, because everything she did...It seemed to touch him. And it hard started simple enough, like the way she had made him change his mind or how he'd look at her with such hope in his heart that one day things would be more than "just friends" or even the way he would catch her stealing glances over surgery, the way she had said his name like it brought her pleasure just being around him.

He loved her. And one day, possibly, she could find it in her heart to love him back.

"Dr. Stark?"

Instantly the love was gone at the sound of that voice. With a scowl, Stark shook his head disgustedly and bowed his head to continue with his charts. "Dr. Karev?"

"Can I get in on your Wilcox surgery?"

"The boy with the birth defect?" That surgery was scheduled for the next couple of days, and he remembered he had specifically requested to have April serve on his staff for that surgery; her talents for pediatrics were impeccable, and it was becoming an interesting battle between him and Owen Hunt over who would want her time more. He loved her not only for who she was, but for the way she was so steadfast at work, so calm even in the face of panic. April had proven herself just a few days ago when a bus accident came in and she commanded the scene, delegating until there were no more hands and she had to take care of a trauma patient herself.

"That's the one." Karev's tone-with his eye roll-brought him back to reality.

Stark didn't have to think about it. "No."

"What?"

"You sound shocked, Dr. Karev," Stark told him coldly, finally looked up to see a surprised and perhaps angry look in the younger surgeons eyes. "I still don't like you."

"Dude-"

"Don't 'dude' me, Dr. Karev. I'm your superior, not your frat buddy. This is a hospital, a respectable hospital where you shouldn't go around addressing other doctors-other professionals-as dude. It's disrespectful, for one thing."

"Dr. Stark-"

Stark turned to him and laughed contemptuously with a shake of his head and click of his pen. "Dr. Karev, if you want in on pediatric surgery, you're going to have to go see Dr. Robbins. Because I am not letting you on."

"You have to."

"I don't have to do anything besides my job."

"Your job is to teach us, Dr. Stark."

"You're a doctor now not a resident, Dr. Karev. It's not my job to hold your hand and walk you through it."

"Dr. Stark-"

"Don't look so surprised, Dr. Karev." Stark stared at him coldly. "You're not the only one who gets to use that line."

"Kepner told you that, didn't she?" Karev rolled his eyes when Stark turned from him, back to the charts. "Come on, she was so-"

"Exaggerating? Overreacting? Twisting the situation around?" Stark stood erect, his anger propelling the movement; with a dark scowl, he shook his head and scoffed at the possibility. "I don't think so, Dr. Karev. Now, do the smart thing, and walk away. Because the more you argue with me, the less I'm going to like you-not that I have a high rapport with you anyway. Or was that too big of a word for you?"

"Dr. Stark?"

He turned around and blinked a few times, his eyes softening from a dark flare at the sight of her. He could hear Karev snicker behind him, and if he wasn't in a public place, and she wasn't looking at him with confused eyes, he would have turned around and done more than give the younger, arrogant surgeon a piece of his mind. Never, in his entire career, had he been half the jackass that Karev was-toward any woman or superior, and he felt there was a need to straighten out that kink. He didn't get a chance however, and instead gave April a smile. He found that whenever he saw her he was smiling, like a giddy teenager so in love that he saw stars. "Dr. Kepner?"

April shoved her hands in her pockets, her eyes suddenly filled with an emotion he couldn't place. "There's a woman here for you, Dr. Stark. Says her name is Lauren Harrison and she's waiting in your office."

"I don't know a-"

"She figured." Her eyes turned...Stark wished he could figure out what it was in her eyes, but he didn't like it. "So she told me to remind you that she's your wife."

He placed it finally, her look; it was a mixture of pain and betrayal.

"April-" She was gone instantly, hurrying away from him like the mere sight of him repulsed her. He felt a knot grow in his chest-a dark seed which burrowed deep in his heart and was sending poison throughout his entire body, paralyzing him from moving toward her.

Karev snickered behind him. "Way to go, dude."

Stark turned around quickly, furiously, and before he could ream the younger surgeon out, Karev was gone. With a scowl, Stark ran his fingers through his hair. He wanted to run after April, but his body wouldn't move. He stood, grounded, as if the weight of the world had just crushed on his shoulders and was threatening to push him six feet under.

* * *

><p>April felt like she couldn't breathe. She felt so stupid...How she could have trusted him so completely, thought that he was so perfect and had no skeletons in his closet? God, she was the other woman! The other woman! The irony set in on her and her chest pulled in knots. She needed to breathe, to relax, but each attempt brought her closer to the brink of losing her mind. Each movement she made rattled and pained her.<p>

How could she have been so stupid to let him lead her on like that?

It wasn't until she had found solace in the on-call room did she finally lose her composure. She wasn't sure why she was crying, just that she was so upset that she lost control, completely, and fell down on the cot like she would never be able to stand again. They weren't even agonizing sobs; she wasn't mad at him, she realized, but at herself because she had been so stupid enough to trust him. April was so furious at herself for thinking that things-for once in her life-could be perfect. Never before had she hated herself and her naivety more. All she wanted to do was scream into a pillow and cry, cry until she couldn't breathe because that was better than whatever this was that laid carnage to her heart.

She was so stupid, so hurt that she couldn't even think about anything but him...How he made her trust him and grow to like him, to neglect to tell her that he was married. He was married! She was the other woman! April couldn't take it, and laying here on a couch wasn't helping her cope with it. Scowling, she forced her body to stand up as she began to pace in the on-call room, running her hands through her long hair as she went, hoping the action would calm her down.

Nothing was helping; her tears still came, stupid, wet tears that physically brought her pain. April didn't stop pacing even as the door to the on-call room opened. Her actions halted, however, when she saw him. "Don't...Don't..."

He put his arm out, his way of showing her that he wouldn't come any closer, as he shut the door. "April, you-"

"Don't talk to me right now," she as able to sputter out. "Don't...Don't talk to me, okay?"

The quiver in her normally strong voice hurt him as much as the tears that ruined her makeup. Stark had never seen her cry before-had never any desire to see her lose control of her emotions like this-and seeing it pained him so much, especially with the knowledge that he was the cause. "April-"

"Don't!" Her whole body seemed like it was shaking though it was only her arms that waved in the air, frantically, expressing through motions what she couldn't verbally express because the weight of the tears was too strong. She turned from him, unable to look at him right now. "Just...Don't."

"You need to let me explain-"

"Let you explain what? How you're married?"

He thought if they were closer than five feet that she would slap him across the face, she looked so angry. "April-"

"You know what? Go ahead. Explain it. Explain to me how I'm the other woman, because you know, I'd really love to hear how you've been leading me on while you have a wife on the side. How you're a cheat and a coward and..." She stopped herself before she said worse things.

"I'm not a cheat."

"No? What do you call starting a relationship with another woman while you're married?" April laughed. "Or do you have no moral boundaries? I mean, Jesus! You said you loved me! Was that all a big lie, too?"

"I do love you."

"Sure you do." She scoffed and turned away from him, her back toward him as she groaned in frustration; right now all she wanted to do was pull her hair out, because maybe that would stop some of this torment that attacked her soul. The pain only grew with each second she realized he still stood there and wouldn't leave her alone. "Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"April-"

"I don't deserve this!" She whirled around to face him again. "Okay, I thought that you were...And you're not! I don't deserve to be led on like this! You don't get to treat me like this! Married! God, you're married! And I'm the other woman! I...I can't believe I was so stupid to believe it was possible that you could love me!"

He scowled, finally, the only real emotion he had allowed her to see since he entered the room. "I do love you, April, don't you understand that? I wouldn't lie to you about that!"

"No, but you can neglect to tell me about your wife." April scoffed and shook her head. "God, I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid."

"April-"

"Get out."

"What?"

"Get out," she repeated, firmly, the only real words she had control over through her tears. "Just...Leave me alone. Go home to your wife and leave me the hell alone, and we'll pretend that this never happened." She shook her head, her eyes revealing more heartbreak than he had seen before, as if the words pained her more than this new discovery, as if losing him was the worst thing she would ever experience. "We'll pretend that you and I never happened."

"You don't mean that."

His plea-the crack in his voice-didn't faze her. "Leave me alone. Don't bother me, and I won't bother you. We'll...We'll forget that this happened between us and go back to being strictly colleagues."

"April-"

"It's Dr. Kepner."

He stared, mouth agape in surprise, as she wiped her tears quickly and left the on-call room, practically slamming the door behind her in the wake of her agony.

Dr. Kepner.

It was his turn to feel like he would never breathe again.


	13. Old Friends

Instead of running after April, again, because he had a strange feeling he had lost her forever-why else would his soul hurt so much?-Stark found himself at the door of his office, his heart pounding in his chest. With a breath of anger that he never thought he had, he opened the door and greeted her, "What the hell are you doing here, Lauren?"

"Hey, doll."

"Don't call me that," he told her sternly; all his anger that he refused to unleash at April was coming out at her. "You lost the right to call me that a long time ago."

"Is that anyway to greet your wife, Robert?"

He shook his head, shutting the door before he faced her, his eyes flaring dangerously. Right now he wanted to ring her neck, because he had just lost the woman he loved. "Lauren, you picked a terrible time to come here-at my place of work-and-"

"I'm not going to stay long."

"I don't care how long you're going to stay," he told her, scowling darkly. He sighed heavily and ran his fingers through his hair. "What the hell do you want?"

"You don't get to talk to me like that."

"Frankly I don't really care. We aren't married anymore." He paused and, after a moment, added, "By the way, why did you tell that doctor that you're my wife? You're not. You're my ex-wife. Do you understand that? _Ex! _That means no longer. So you don't get to go around telling people that we're still married because we aren't."

Lauren shrugged off his correction. "When I mentioned your name, she got this look in her eyes, like...Like she knew you. If I do say so, she seemed a little jealous. I'd think she's crushing on you if she wasn't really your type."

"Oh, and you know what my type is?"

"Not her. She's too...perky."

"She's perfect just the way she is," Stark defending her immediately; he wasn't forceful with many things, but the things he loved-work and April-he would lay on train tracks for. He would do anything for her, and if that meant defending her to a woman that had captured his heart from college, well he would do that...because he loved her and because she didn't deserve some stranger judging her without even getting to know her. He would defend her to the death, even if right now she wanted nothing to do with him, and perhaps never would want to see his face ever again.

She looked at him with a tilt of her head. "You know, I'd think that you're-"

"What are you doing here, Lauren? What do you want from me?"

"I'm feeling a little nostalgic."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"I think you and I should give it a shot again."

Stark scowled. "You're crazy. What makes you think I'm dumb enough to make the same mistake twice? We tried it once, it didn't work out."

"We're different people now."

"You don't know anything about me," Stark told her. "You never knew anything about Lauren. Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"Because I want to give it a shot with you again. I think we owe it to us."

"There is no us. Stop saying that."

"Just give it a shot. I flew out here from Boston-for a conference, sure, but I thought I would stop by and see you." She smiled gently when he only scowled at her. "Just...A dinner. Two old friends catching up. Is that too bad?"

"Yes."

"Something-or someone-holding you back?" When he only stared at her, blankly, as if he was somewhere else and looking through her, she pleaded, "Come on, just one dinner."

"No. You need to leave, now." Stark sighed, realizing she wouldn't leave until he agreed to go out to dinner with her. Instead of caving, he stood his ground and shook his head firmly. "Lauren, leave. I don't want to see you here anymore."

"You might see me here more often, Robert."

"And why's that?"

"Well, because-as you know-over the years I've been known to donate large sums of money to certain hospitals that I deem worthy. As part of coming to Seattle, I'm going to take a look at all the hospitals around here and find one that suits my interest, one that's worth the money."

"You're thinking Seattle Grace?"

"I have a meeting with Chief Webber this afternoon as well as the Board. They're going to try to convince me to put my generous donation with them."

"They're going to pull out all the stops."

"They are," she acknowledged with a smile. "And...They're going to have me follow around one of the chiefs of all the fields. What do you have here? Plastics, cardio, trauma, peds, neuro...Those are a lot of doctors."

"In case you're wondering, Dr. Mark Sloan is plastics, Dr. Teddy Altman is cardio, Dr. Owen Hunt is trauma, and Dr. Derek Shepard is neuro. They'd all be happy to lead you around and pitch to you why Seattle Grace is so deserving of your donation."

"I don't want them to pitch to me. I want _you _to pitch it to me."

"I don't think that's a very good idea, Lauren."

"Why?"

"Conflict of interest?"

"We aren't married anymore," Lauren told him, "you said that yourself. Besides we haven't even seen in each other in what? Five years? So technically there's no conflict of interest."

"I'm not doing this," Stark told her sternly as he shook his head. He moved to open his office door for her and ordered, "Now get out. Don't come back."

"I'm going to be sticking around for a while, Robert, so you better get used to it. It'll be like old times." She gave him a smile as she walked out the door; the knot in his stomach only grew as he realized he would be seeing more of her-and perhaps never see the woman he loved again.

* * *

><p>"Dr. Stark?"<p>

Stark looked up from the patient on the operating table to Dr. Weber, who had just entered the operating room wearing scrubs. He fought a scowl before he turned back to the patient. As he worked, he asked, "Something you need, Dr. Weber?"

"Have you heard of the George Harrison Foundation?"

"The foundation that donates money to hospitals every few years? Last time they donated to John Hopkins, didn't they?"

"Yes. Their CEO, Lauren Harrison has a meeting with me today-right after your surgery, actually-"

"I can't make it."

"Why not?"

"I have a consultation with Dr. Newman this afternoon on a complex surgical procedure that I'm completing with him tomorrow, and we need to run through everything. I'm sorry, Dr. Weber, but I won't be able to make that meeting."

"Change of plans."

Stark looked up from the patient. "What?"

"Dr. Robbins can handle your patient tomorrow. I already discussed it with her and she'll be happy to do it. Today, you're meeting with me and Ms. Harrison."

"But, Dr. Weber-"

"No arguments," the Chief cut him off with a shake of her head. "The hospital needs this money and any donation she gives-especially if it's on the more generous side-will be greatly appreciated and put to good use."

"I understand that, sir, but-"

"So when you're done scrubbing out here, head down to the conference room on the first floor. We won't start without you."

Stark sighed and nodded. "All right."

When the Chief left, he looked up to find that Jackson was staring at him closely, like he wanted to take the scalpel and rip him apart with it. With a shake of his head, Stark told her, "Don't ask."

"I wasn't going to."

After a few moments of silence and a hell of a lot of suction, Stark stopped the patient from bleeding out; once the chaos was over, he could still feel Jackson's gaze on him, hot and frustrated as if he was projecting rage from someone else. With a sigh, Stark didn't look up from the patient as he asked, "So what did April tell you?"

"Enough."

Stark shook his head. "That doesn't answer my question, Dr. Avery."

"You should have told her that you're married. That's not something you keep from someone."

"She didn't give me time to explain myself."

"There's no excuses for that, Dr. Stark. You're married, you don't go out and attempt to seduce another woman, especially someone like April, who-"

"You're not giving me time to explain myself either," Stark cut her off, his tone cold and mildly frustrated, like he was speaking to her like she was an attending again. With a sigh, he told her, "I am not married, Dr. Avery."

"But she thinks you are."

"If she had given me time to explain myself, I would have told her that the woman was my ex-wife, not my current wife as she apparently likes to go around telling people."

"Why does she do that?"

Stark shrugged. "How the hell would I know? Look, Dr. Avery, just do me a favor and don't mention anything to her until I get a chance to talk to her. I want to be able to explain myself without any more people getting involved."

"She might not even want to talk to you."

"She'll have to eventually. We do work together, after all." He had learned that when he was trying to ignore her that entire time; now the tables had been turned and he was certain she would be ignoring him in an attempt to build walls around her heart, walls that wouldn't need to be there if his ex-wife hadn't shown up and ruined everything.

He wasn't looking forward to this meeting.

* * *

><p>They were waiting for him, in the Chief's conference room. He hadn't seen this many people come together over one meeting with one woman, but the Chief wanted to pull out all the stops because this woman-his ex-wife-had money to offer, and that was worth all the attention that could be given. There were the obvious faces: Richard Webber and Lauren. What Stark hadn't prepared himself for, however, was to see April there. As soon as he saw her, he froze; attempting to make it not seem like he was flustered when she instantly looked away from him, he gave the Chief a smile and said, "I'm sorry about the wait, Chief. Complications in surgery."<p>

"That's all right, Dr. Stark. Ms. Harrison here was just explaining to us what her foundation is all about."

"Even though," Lauren added with a smile, "I'm sure everyone here already knows what it's all about. The fund has made a big name for itself in the medical circles."

Stark only smiled and took an empty chair, not close to Lauren or April, just off in his own little private island. "So...I'm assuming this meeting is an attempt to showcase Seattle Grace to the best of its abilities?"

Weber nodded. "That's right. I was thinking about having Dr. Kepner here show her around the place, give her a feel about what Seattle Grace is really about...What makes us unique and one of the best hospitals in the country."

Lauren smiled. "I would like that very much. Are you the Chief Resident, Dr. Kepner?"

"I am," April answered, with a confidence Stark had never quite heard from her before; he was surprised to hear it, too, given that only hours ago he had seen her at her worst. The image was like a knife through his chest, so violent and damaging that he forced it away before it could kill him. "My main task is administrative and scheduling as well as making sure all the residents understand where they need to be and what's required of them."

"So you're...kind of like a teacher to them?"

"Almost," April answered. Before the Chief could add onto that, she said, "Seattle Grace is a teaching hospital. We take pride in letting residents learn and develop their surgical skills. Dr. Stark would be able to better explain that, given he's one of the surgeons that many of us look to."

Lauren turned to face Stark and gave him a knowing smile-a smirk, even if Stark was willing to stretch it that far. "Is that true?"

Stark gave her a scowl before he nodded slowly, not liking the blank look on April's face, like this entire thing had sucked the life out of her. "We are a teaching hospital. You can ask any of the other chiefs. Dr. Sloan, Shepard, Hunt, and Altman would all tell you the same thing."

"Yes, you told me that already."

The Chief scowled at this small interaction, leaning forward slightly so he felt more involved in the conversation. "You two have spoken already?"

"Earlier," Lauren answered, turning to face the Chief again, taking note of the way April's face turned from blank to almost...hurt. "Dr. Stark and I have some history. We've known each other for quite a while."

"Really?"

Stark shrugged when the Chief gave him a slight scowl. "We go back, yes. But...Don't worry, sir, there's no conflict of interest here."

"No, I wasn't worried about that," the Chief responded with a slight smile. "Why don't, um, why don't you two meet later to further discuss the hospital and how we're a teaching hospital. Maybe over a dinner or something?"

"What?" Stark leaned forward finally, resting his arm on the table in an offensive position. "Dr. Weber, I think-"

"I think that's a wonderful idea," Lauren cut him off with a smile. Before anyone could say anything else, she turned herself toward Stark and told him, "I actually have a meeting I have to run to right now, but I'd love to meet you for drinks later tonight."

Stark felt a scowl creep up, which he kept hidden once he saw the Chief's stern stare, as if he was telling him that he _needed _to accept the invitation...or else. With a sigh, Stark looked over at April. Her face was blank again, and she was doing everything in her power to stop from tearing up; this entire interaction was so difficult on her that he could literally feel her pain from across the table. Stark wanted to teach across and take her hand in his, comfortingly, but he couldn't. He couldn't do anything except accept Lauren's invitation, because he had a sick feeling that his job depended on it. Even as he did so, he knew that even though he'd be keeping his job-and securing the money for Seattle Grace-he was losing April completely in the process.


	14. Blame It on the Alcohol

**A/N: You guys thought that was a twist? You haven't seen anything yet...which reminds me, this next twist is VERY Grey's Anatomy like-kinda soapish, maybe a little "what? I can't believe you did that!"-so just bear with me. I promise it's there for a reason, not just to create drama. Character development, and all. And remember nothing is ever for sure...**

"What is it going to take, Lauren, for you to give me the money and leave me the hell alone?"

She scowled when he joined her at the bar. "Have a drink."

"This is business, not personal," Stark answered, shaking his head when the bartender advanced toward him. Immediately he turned his attention back to Lauren. "Seriously. What's it going to take for you to give the money and leave?"

"With the way you're performing, Seattle Grace isn't looking so good."

"You and I both know you're going to give the money to the hospital. It's what you do. You fly out and travel around the hospital because you want to psyche them out and see them at their best...But you always give them the money anyway. Just do it and get it over with so you can leave."

"What makes you so sure I want to leave?"

"Because there's nothing here for you."

"You're here."

"Again," Stark looked at her firmly, "there is nothing here for you. You and I...We aren't happening, Lauren, not again. So you might as well go back to Boston."

"Why are you so close-minded?"

"Um...Because we failed the first time. There's no use making the same mistake twice, Lauren. It was a mistake the first time, and time doesn't change that."

"There's someone else, isn't there?"

"If there was, it wouldn't be any of your business," Stark told her coldly with a shake of his head. Out of the corner of his eye he could see the doctors come in from the front door-a trail of Karev, Cristina, Meredith, Jackson, Lexie, and finally April. He felt his heart tug at the sight of her; he couldn't keep his eyes off her, and never wanted to look away because these moments...these moments to look at her and revel in her beauty were all but numbered now. He found it difficult to swallow, impossible to turn away. Lauren must have seen his far-away stare, however, because she turned to see the group come in. Stark forced himself to look away.

"Are one of those women her?"

"That's none of your damn business."

"Don't get snippy with me."

"I'll get however I want," Stark answered, almost childishly. He shook his head with a dark scowl. "What's it going to take to get you to leave, Lauren, and not come back?"

"What's it going to take to make you realize that I don't want to go anywhere, but stay right here?"

"Don't pull that shit with me, Lauren. You know as well as I do that this isn't going to happen between us. You have nothing here, no reason to stay. You might as well leave and put us all out of our misery."

Lauren inspected him closely. "When did you become such a jackass?"

"When you ripped my heart out," he answered coldly. "Don't act like you're this innocent person and you have done no wrong and things can go back just the way they were. If they could, we would never have gotten divorced."

"I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about now. It used to be where you didn't mind my company."

Stark glared at her and shook his head. "Do you have any idea that you quite possibly ruined the best relationship that I've ever had because you-for some reason-think it's okay to go around referring to me as your husband?"

"I did?"

"Yeah. She won't even look at me, wants nothing to do with me because she thinks that she's the other woman and that you're my wife."

"Did you tell her we weren't married?"

"She didn't believe me. She just thought that I was trying to cover it up and save my ass. So you know what, I am pissed at you. Because she's gone, and she isn't coming back, and it's all your fault because of some sick, twisted dependency issue that you have."

"Robert-"

"Don't even bother." He stood up from the bar stool. "Just do me a favor and give the hospital the money, and get the hell out of my life."

Lauren scowled as he turned to walk away from her; throwing money on the counter, she stood up from her bar stool and followed after him out into the busy street. She caught up to him, finally, despite her heels, and stopped him from walking completely away from her. Inspecting him closely, she told him, "All right. I get it. You're pissed at me."

"You ruined my relationship. I think that deserves more than just getting pissed off."

"I know...Just...Let's just talk, okay? We can go back to your place and just talk. I'm not expecting anything. I just want to talk to you, Robert."

"Why?"

"Because I miss you."

Stark sighed, finally. "Thirty minutes and then you go and write the check for Dr. Weber and then you're gone, understand? I don't want to see you anymore or hear you talk about how you want to get back together."

"I'll miss you, when I'm gone."

"Maybe you should have thought of that before your slew of affairs," he told her, bitterly. When she only stared at him, he finally shrugged. "Thirty minutes."

"That's...That's great, Robert. Thank you."

"Come on, then."

* * *

><p>April had downed a drink after she watched them leave together. She wasn't sure what she was drinking, just that she knew it tasted good and it gave her the buzz needed to drown the first level of pain-the pain that was burrowed in her mind for now. It would take much more to get to heart, she knew, but she was willing to go there. Anything at this point, really, was worth it so long as the pain went away, if but for a moment. After she set the glass down and ordered another one, she faced the stares of the group. "Stop looking at me like that, like I can't have a drink every once and a while...Like I'm not an adult woman and I can't decide for my own what to drink."<p>

"April-"

"It's not drinks conversation," she answered quickly. "Not right now."

"April-"

"No, Lexie, don't. I don't want to talk about it. Just...Just let me drink, okay? And cut me off when I'm close to having one too many. Can you guys do that for me?"

No one argued with her.

* * *

><p>April couldn't really remember that night the next day, but she knew she had one of the worst hangovers she had ever experienced. The headache which pounded in her skull was excruciating; all the noise around her was unbearable. She wanted solace, and she wanted to remember. That was what bothered her the most, actually, was that she couldn't remember much of anything after her third drink. It was all such a blur. And she had never been a person to be so forgetful, so stupid that she allowed herself to fall down a hole and drink herself into a stupor so deep that she wasn't sure which end she had dug herself out of.<p>

With a sigh, April returned to the rest of her charts, hoping focusing on something besides her pounding headache would rid herself of the ailment. God, how she wanted to remember.

She hoped to God that she had done nothing which would come back to bite her in the ass.

* * *

><p>April almost had the half mind not to step on the elevator at the end of the day. After all, once it had opened and all the nurses had left to head toward the locker room, she came face to face with him; he hadn't looked up, didn't even know that someone was in front of him, staring at him like the mere sight of him sent chills down her spine. April sighed and realized she had no other choice, stepping onto the elevator. She didn't look at him as she hit the elevator door closed. April felt his stare on her, for a moment, before he turned away from her and stared up as the numbers winded down.<p>

Before they hit the bottom, Stark reached across and hit the emergency stop, which kept them propelled in the air. He turned to face her and she still wouldn't look at him completely even though she gave him a hard, cold stare. "April."

Her chin held high, she ignored him, remembering the night before, how he left the bar with her and didn't return. She didn't want to think about what happened, what might have happened, because that just hurt her too much-even though she was the one that had ended things _again_.

"April, look at me."

Still nothing.

With a sigh, Stark ran his fingers through his hair. "You have to talk to me, eventually, April. We do work together."

"You ignored me for months."

Her tone was cold, bitter, angry with a thick temper that he deserved to have unleashed on him. "April, come on-"

"Come on?" She scoffed and shook her head. "Don't you dare pin this on me."

"I'm not-"

"Hit the button so we can move again, Dr. Stark," she ordered, her voice stern. "Because you and I both know that you have a meeting you have to get to. And I have some friends to meet up with, as well. We don't have time for this."

Stark stared at her closely, inspecting her pain and taking it in. "April-"

His plea didn't matter to her. "Dr. Stark, please hit the button."

"Look at me. Look at me and I'll hit that button and we can leave this elevator and I won't say anything to you ever again." She didn't move. "Just...Look at me."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because every time I look at you, i see her! Do you understand that? I look at you-and I used to look at you and I felt happier than I've ever felt-and now I look at you and I feel like all I'm going to do is cry. You did that to me. So you don't get to stand here and tell me that I need to talk to you, when even _thinking_ about you hurts." She turned to him, finally, furiously. "You need to let me go, so I can let you go and stop hurting."

"You don't understand, April."

"What don't I get?" She shook her head. "I saw you in there, with her! I saw that. You can't tell me I didn't or I misunderstood."

"She and I aren't married."

"Sure."

"April! She and I are not married! We got divorced five years ago!" She wouldn't look at him anymore, like she believed to her core that everything he was saying was a complete lie just to bring her back into his life. He sighed and leaned against the wall. "That's what you want to believe, isn't it? That I'm lying to you?"

"You've lied before."

"When?"

"When you neglected to tell me you were married." She scowled when he rolled his eyes, irritated.

"I'm not married!" Were he a man to physically show his rage, he would punch the wall of the elevator. She wasn't listening to him, and that was the most infuriating thing, because if she listened...If she just took a minute to hear him out, then none of this would be happened. She wouldn't be asking him to walk away from her and leave her alone. All she needed to do was listen, and she was too caught up in her shock and pain to even do that. "Ask her yourself if you don't believe me!"

"I heard it from her to begin with."

There it was, where he understood why she would never believe him. Because April had heard it from Lauren the first time alone, and what plausible reason could she have for lying about then if it wasn't the truth? Stark wanted to hit the wall, and kept himself calm by balling up his fist and leaning his head against the cool wall. "Are you going to believe her or me? Me, someone who you trust, or her a complete stranger. Strangers say things, April, to get what they want. Not everyone's nice and has the best motives."

"Why would she lie about something like that?"

"Because she's crazy," Stark told her. "Because...Because she wanted to rile you up and knew that there was something between us."

"How could she possibly know that?"

"Because she saw it in your eyes. You wear your heart on your sleeve, April, and she saw that, and she took advantage of it, because that's the spiteful bitch that she is. She'll see your weakness and pounce on it, and then she'll somehow make you trust her despite it all until she goes and stabs you in the back like the bitch that she is."

April only shook her head, not wanting to listen or believe it. She reached across and hit the button and, once they hit the bottom, and the door opened, she told him, "This conversation is over, Dr. Stark."

He watched her leave; his legs wouldn't will him to move even as the doors closed shut and he was on his way back up again.

* * *

><p>When April returned that night, after fighting back her tears, she threw her keys on the countertop and smiled to see Derek at the kitchen table with baby Zola in his arms, feeding her with Gerber baby food. April chuckled softly and asked, "Have you tasted that yourself yet, Derek?"<p>

He shook his head and offered it to his daughter again with a large smile, hoping that would be enough for her to open her mouth; she only turned her head, rejecting the food that probably tasted terrible. "And I don't intend to."

"Not going to be one of those parents who tries the baby food and pretends to like it in front of his kid?"

"Never. I'm not that great of a liar."

April chuckled before she took a step forward, nervous and serious. She told him, "I...I hope I wasn't that bad last night, Derek. I didn't mean to put the entire house in an uproar."

"Oh, you didn't," he reassured her with a shake of her head and smile at his daughter's disgusted face. "Zola was fast asleep last night and you guys didn't wake her up when she came home. That was Meredith's doing when she tripped over the crib."

"That must have been wonderful."

"The fall and the swearing woke Zola up here," Derek told her, laughing when Zola finally accepted the baby food. "Yeah, that's my beautiful girl. Takes disgusting, doesn't it?"

April smiled. "Well, I'm glad I didn't cause I ruckus. I don't remember much, but I know I'm not the quietest person when I have a few drinks in me."

"You were fine. But, I have to say," he added after Zola gulped down another spoonful of mashed peas, "I was kind of surprised to see Karev come out of your room this morning."

"What?"

Derek looked at her. "Yeah. Like at five or six, he came out from your room and went to his room. Did you have a sleepover or something?"

April couldn't remember. Right now she couldn't think of anything except for the knot in her stomach that was growing tighter as each second passed. "Are...Are you sure?"

Derek nodded. "Yeah. Can't mistake Karev with Jackson."

April wasn't sure which one she wanted to do more, throw up or cry. For some reason, she couldn't stop thinking about Stark-how he had told her she wouldn't be in control when she was drunk, and how he had stopped her...How he had been the gentleman and not taken advantage of her while she was hammered. And she had dismissed him for the one indiscretion-an indiscretion she realized was now false-and now...Now she couldn't remember if she had sex last night or not. And Stark wasn't married, and she hadn't listened when he tried to explain things to her.

She knew if Derek wasn't standing there, she would have lost all composure and broken down in the kitchen.

She needed to find Alex, and then she needed to find Stark...before the truth got out and he found out from someone that wasn't her. She ran her fingers through her hair frantically; first she needed to find out exactly what the truth was.


	15. Back To What We Were

**A/N: Now guys, you've been great reviewing so far (I appreciate them SOO much!) but I really need your help here. When you do your reviews, don't hold anything back. I really want to know what you guys think about this chapter, so please, please, please, review and give me all that you've got. Especially for this chapter, both good and bad. **

* * *

><p>April found Stark, the next day, in the on-call room. The entire morning she hadn't been able to find Alex and now-after a surgery-she needed to come in here to wind down. Stark was both the last-and first-person she wanted to see. However, he wasn't what she had expected because she had excepted someone who was staring at the ceiling, his eyes behind his head, like the wall held all the secrets to life and how he was going to complete his neck surgery. Every time she had walked in here and found him, that was how he looked. Now, it was a complete turn around. He was curled up against the wall, a pillow under his head, fast asleep from a grueling seven hour surgery that had required the assistance from three professionals from other hospitals. He looked exhausted and content, so she knew the surgery had gone well.<p>

Her drunken stupor and sleeping on it last night-though she hadn't slept, really-had made her realize a lot; she had remembered what he had said about not being married-about his ex being psychotic and saying something just to get under her skin. Why would he lie about that? She couldn't think of any reason why he would lie to her. It wasn't like he had lied to her before; it was a lie of omission, certainly, but he hadn't been completely dishonest with her. He wasn't married. But she was back. His ex-wife was back, and he had walked away from the bar with her, and April had no idea what they had done. The thought, for some reason, scared her. Secretly, she hoped they had done...something, so then maybe she could justify whatever it was that could have happened with Karev. Then part of her, the part that still yearned to hear his voice and feel his touch, prayed that they hadn't done anything...that he loved her enough not to quiet his pain with meaningless sex, that he loved her despite her inability to listen to reason because she was clouded by shock and pain.

He looked calm when he slept, she decided. His body didn't move, and she didn't think he was even breathing. He simply laid there, content in his dreams, like they had picked him up and carried him away from reality for just a few hours. It pained her to think that he was finding solace away from her. After all, it wasn't that long ago when she had done the same thing. Instead of turning to sleep, however, she had turned to the bottle, and she regretted it. April wished she hadn't done it, simply because now...Now she might have lost something important to her over a bottle of tequila and a few margaritas.

Still he slept, unfazed by what she had done-or what she hadn't done. April wasn't sure anymore. All she knew was that she loved sitting on the cot adjacent to him, watching him sleep in his peaceful reverie, because the moment he awoke she knew he would come face to face with a nightmare, and it was all because she was stupid and had one too many drinks and couldn't remember her night.

April looked down at her hands, embarrassed, ashamed, and wishing she could turn back time. When she looked back up, he was awake, and staring at her calmly, as if he was waiting for her to leave-or prove that he was still dreaming and she was just an apparition that seemed so real. She gave him a small, polite smile and asked, "I didn't wake you, did I?"

He shook his head, his gaze never leaving hers.

"Are you all right?"

He shook his head again.

"Are you going to say anything?"

Stark shook his head one final time before he rolled on his back and stared up at the ceiling, tucking his hands under his head like he always did. April knew he could see her though he wasn't looking at her. Stark sighed, tilting his head slightly to become more comfortable. He really wasn't going to say anything, she realized, because there was nothing left to say. He had told her what he needed to say-that he wasn't married-and she had shut him down. What was the point of saying anything now, if she wasn't going to listen? There wasn't, so he found himself embarking on a path of silence when all he wanted to do was tell her how much he loved her and would never lie to her or purposely hurt her. But she wouldn't listen, and there was no point in speaking if he didn't have an ear to voice himself on...There was no use putting his self-respect out there for her if she wasn't even going to take what he said to heart. Stark could deal with that, he decided; he could sacrifice his pride if all she would do was listen. But if she wouldn't even do that, why the hell should he go the extra mile for a woman who didn't even care enough?

April summoned some courage as she asked, "How did it go last night, with Ms. Harrison?"

"Fine."

"Just fine?"

Stark nodded slowly, the simple four letter word sending pain throughout his entire body as she had made him cave. "Yes."

"Were you able to get the money for the hospital?"

"No."

"Why not?"

He shrugged and ran his fingers through his hair lazily, his eyes still glued on the ceiling. "Clueless."

"Are you going to give me one word answers from here on out?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because."

April scowled at his childish response, infuriated that he still wouldn't even look at her, like she had committed some grievous felony...The thought stopped her, however, because she might have done that two nights before when all he had done wrong was not get the truth out before she had reamed him apart. April sighed after a moment and asked, "Because why?"

"Because."

"I can play this game all day."

"Okay."

April found herself smiling at his bluntness, his dry sense of humor that he probably didn't mean to be funny but it was funny to her because she understood his game; it was his way of building up walls around his heart, walls that were there because she had shut him down...again. "You know, I think I have more of the right to put up barriers than you do."

"Maybe."

"No, not maybe. You hurt me, you know, by not telling me about your wife-"

"Ex."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Ex." Stark knew she was attempting to squeeze more than one-word answers out of him, and he wasn't taking the bait. She was trying to rile him up, get him to the point where he lost it and couldn't just give her a one word answer to express himself. Well, he could play that game-that childish, juvenile game-too.

"Well, it hurt."

"Yeah."

"It...It hurt you, too, didn't it?"

He didn't answer; by admitting pain, that made him weak. By admitting pain, he would be saying to her exactly how much he loved her and exactly how much she affected him. He couldn't do that. Any sign of emotion now was a sign of weakness-and if Lauren had taught him anything, it was that weakness could be capitalized on at every turn. Stark forced himself not to look at her, not to let her see in the pain in his eyes...because pain was power.

"Robert."

He closed his eyes and sighed heavily, shaking his head. "No."

"No?"

"No," he repeated. "You-"

Her eyebrows raised. "I what?"

Stark only shook his head, turning his gaze back up to the ceiling. She didn't get to call him that after telling him he could only refer to her in a professional manner. She didn't get to decide the rules like that; there were two people in this...There had been two people in their relationship, and after she had shut that down...April didn't get to mess with the rules like that.

"You have to say something."

"No."

"We do work together."

"So?"

"So, eventually you're going to have to talk to me in _sentences_, not one word answers."

"Okay."

"You're ignoring me now, aren't you? Like you ignored me when I first broke up with you." When he didn't say anything, she continued, "And you're doing it to build walls up around your heart because you don't want to get hurt again. Because...I hurt you, Robert. When I didn't listen to you, I hurt you. And you've been nothing but good to me. You listened to me when no one else would, and I repaid you in such a shitty way."

"Shitty?" He looked at her, finally.

"Yes, shitty. I do swear, you know. I'm not four years old," April told him. "And you just totally ended my little speech there."

"Continue."

"But you hurt me, too," she told him after a moment. "So, I guess we hurt each other. And...And both of us are at fault here, because it's not just black and white and there is no simple right or wrong. It's just...grey."

"Yeah." Stark had always thought by going into surgery, the grey would shrink until there was nothing left but black and white; how wrong he had been. It had seemed, as years passed, that the grey only grew.

"But I hurt you," April admitted, knowing that it would hurt him more should she have slept with Alex Karev. "I hurt you, and I am sorry. I should have listened to you when you were telling me but I was so caught up in everything-in thinking that I had been led on-that I couldn't...I couldn't see what was right in front of me. And by doing so, I hurt you. And I can admit that."

"Okay."

"You have to say something, Robert. You..." She sighed heavily in exasperation. "You can't just give me one word answers anymore, not after that. Not after I just apologized and-"

"I don't have to do anything," he cut her off firmly, thought not maliciously; he could never be malicious toward her on purpose, not anymore, not when he loved her so much. "We're colleagues. That's it. _You _established that, not me, and you can't go back on that. And I'm not going to come groveling back. You wanted this relationship over, it's over. I respected it the first time around, and I'll respect it now."

"You don't mean that."

"Don't I?" His glare was fierce, angry at himself and at her. "You know, I believe in that saying fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. I've done the shame on me part the first time around. And now it's shame on you. And after that...You don't get another chance after that, April."

"You don't mean that." April shook her head. "You're just trying to build up these walls again. You're just saying this to push me away."

"Think so?"

"You're hurting and you're lashing out."

He shook his head. "I mean it this time. I-"

"Tell me you don't love me."

"What?" The request caught him off guard-just like the time she had rejected his advances and used a lame excuse to back her way out of dinner.

"Tell me that you don't love me," April repeated. When he gave her a hard look, she stood her ground. "You can't say it, can you?"

He didn't answer.

"You can't say you don't love me because it's not true, because you do love me, still, regardless about whether or not I listened to you. You love me. And that's why it hurt all the more when I didn't listen to you, is that right?"

"Stop."

"And now you're just trying to pick up the pieces because you can't take the fact that you got close enough to someone and they burned you."

"Stop."

"You can't take it because you love me and it hurts so freaking much to lose me that you're building these walls up to deal with it. And you think these walls are protecting you from more pain, but they're not! They're bringing you more pain because you won't let anyone in! You won't let me in!"

"Stop!" He grabbed the pillow and threw it hard against the wall. "Just stop talking!"

She only stared at him, at the way he stared at her like his heart was going to explode inside his chest. "You trusted me, Robert. You trusted me and you opened up and I ruined all that when I shut you down when you tried to tell me something again. I did this, okay? I know that. _I did this_. This is my fault-"

"April, just-"

"And I'm asking you for forgiveness."

Her plea rocked him slightly, mostly because he hadn't expected it. Stark simply stared at her, deciding his pride wasn't worth watching her walk away from him again. "You're not the only one who's at fault. I should have told you sooner."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better. I know the truth. I should have listened, and I didn't because I was too blinded by this...feeling of betrayal, like I was the other woman. It clouded my judgment. And I'm sorry that I didn't listen when you opened up, especially after how great and understanding you've been with me."

"Apology accepted."

April smiled. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure. After you ream me out and expose my soul, I don't think another question is going to do more damage."

"Did you sleep with her?"

Stark scoffed slightly. "I guess I was wrong about not inflicting any more damage."

"I didn't-"

"No, I understand, really. You think that I was so furious with you that I would go and sleep with whoever was willing to warm my bed just for the hell of it. I...That's some great faith in me you have right there."

"Robert-"

"No." He cut her off, standing up from the bed with a slight groan after the incapacitation of his muscles for so long. Within seconds he was seated beside her on the cot. He wanted so badly to touch her, but kept his hand away from hers. "What makes you think I slept with her?"

"You left the bar with her."

"That doesn't mean anything. We could have taken separate cabs and gone our own separate ways after that."

April wished she would have thought about that before she went on her drinking binge; maybe then she wouldn't have to fret over whether or not she lost her virginity on a drunken, one-night stand...She wouldn't be sitting here wondering whether or not she would break his heart again and the third time would be the charm, and he would leave her for good, no matter how much he loved her. "Is that what happened?"

"No."

"No?"

Stark shook his head. "She came back to my place, we had a couple of drinks, talked about some money issues-"

"Did she come onto you?"

He wouldn't admit this to her, but he loved to hear the sound of jealousy in her voice, like she was slowly coming back to him. "She did."

"Oh, God-"

Stark stopped her from moving away by grabbing her arm gently and keeping her against the bed. "But nothing happened, April. She was drunk, it was a mistake, and I explained that to her. She went home. That's it. Nothing happened. I explained to her that I had you and I wasn't willing to risk that-risk losing you completely-over a one-night stand."

April forced herself to look away from him. She couldn't stare at him any longer, knowing...Knowing that he did that for her and she potentially might not have shown him the same courtesy. "Robert, I-"

"Shh," he hushed her gently from saying anything more by kissing her gently. It had felt like forever since the last time he had kissed her; he missed it, missed the touch of her lips against his or the heat of her hands when she wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her hands in his hair. Instinctively, he laid her back gently on the cot, never breaking their embrace except to make sure he had not hurt her in some way. He smiled down at her, thankful that this cold charade could end and they could be them again. "You all right?"

She nodded meekly up at him, the love in his eyes threatened to drown her, especially because right now she didn't feel like she deserved it. When he bent his head to meet her once more, she half-heartedly returned the embrace, unable to kiss him like she had before. He must have sensed something was wrong because he pulled away almost instantly and his eyes changed from love to concern within seconds.

"Is something wrong, April?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded quickly, almost too quick for her liking, but he hadn't sensed that. This entire thing made her feel terrible. Instead he sighed slightly and began to kiss a trail from her mouth down to where her neck met her collarbone and back up, stopping at certain points that he knew she liked from their experiences together. April knew he had missed this, the ability to kiss her, to feel her react, and to hold her like in a few moments she could be gone. But she didn't like this, didn't like that there was a possibility that this had already happened before and she couldn't remember it. It made her sick to her stomach, made her feel like scum. And he didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to kiss her like she had done no wrong and it was he who needed forgiveness. April couldn't take it anymore. She forcefully put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him away as she said, "Stop."

Stark stopped instantly, putting his hands up in surrender to show her that he would go no further. "You okay?"

"I just...I can't do this."

"Do what?" He scowled slightly before he nodded slowly in understanding, kissing her gently on the forehead in response. "It's okay, April."

"No, it's not okay."

"It is." He smiled. "You're not ready, and it's stupid of me to assume that here-in this on call room...It was stupid of me and I'm sorry."

"Just like that? You're accepting that I asked you to stop and that's the end of it?"

Stark nodded and shrugged, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. He flashed her another smile. "I told you that I wasn't going to make you do anything you were uncomfortable with, April. I'll wait until you're ready, for as long as you need." He scowled when her eyes began to well with tears; he hadn't meant to make her cry. Stark did the only thing he knew how to do, and gathered her in his arms, letting her rest her head on his shoulder. "Hey...Hey, it's all right, really. I'm not mad, April. I'm not. You take all the time that you need. You weren't ready and that's okay. It's not a problem, really."

His gentleness only made her want to cry more because she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve this, and she definitely didn't deserve him. He had thought her resistance was because she wasn't ready. She sniffled slightly in her own self-pity. "Robert-"

"Shh. It's all right, April, really. I'm not mad." He paused only so he could kiss her head gently. "You take all the time in the world."

"Robert?"

"Hm?" His hand gently caressed her cheek, tucking a stray hair gently behind her ear. He couldn't help but smile, glad that he was no longer just Dr. Stark and she was no longer just Dr. Kepner. He missed this, missed her so much that the days without her were unbearable. He had even treated Arizona badly from time to time-accidental, of course, but an effect of this entire situation none-the-less. Everything just suddenly seemed to make sense again, like the world was right when she was in his arms, like nothing could hurt him ever again.

"Tell me you love me."

He chuckled. "What?"

"Just...Please tell me you love me. I need to hear it."

Stark kissed her forehead gently in response. "I love you more than you could ever know."

"Don't ever forget it."

He laughed as if that was impossible and kissed her once more, gently taking her hand in his and caressing it with his thumb lovingly to show her that he was here, and that he wasn't going anywhere. "I won't, I promise." He held her, never letting go even as she continued to softly cry.

"It's all right, April. I promise, it's all right."


	16. Betrayal and Lies

Alex sighed heavily as he stared up at the board. He was on Stark's rotation tonight, the last place he wanted to be. Where was Robbins when he so desperately needed her? With a scowl, Alex tucked his pen in his pocket and walked down the hallway where he knew Stark would be in his office. Sighing at the sight of the older surgeon in his office, Alex knocked on the door softly. "Dr. Stark?"

Stark didn't not look up from his computer immediately.

"Dr. Stark?"

"In a minute, Karev," he answered, his tone nasty and condescending, as if it was habitual. After a few moments, Stark turned from his chair and leaned backward slightly. "How can I help you, Dr. Karev?"

"I'm on your rotation this evening."

Stark nodded slowly. "Well, why don't you change all the bedpans and drains, then come back to me when you're finished."

"What?"

"Bedpans and drains," he repeated. "Get them all taken care of and then check back in with me."

"Bedpans?"

"Yes," Stark answered. "Do you want me to repeat it, a little slower maybe?"

"No."

"Good. Now get to it."

When all the bedpans and drains were changed later, Karev returned back to Stark's office to find that he was gone. Sighing heavily in exasperation, Karev walked down the hallway where he found Stark at the nurse's station, working on some charts. "Dr. Stark?"

He didn't look up until he finished the page. "All done?"

"Yes. Everything's taken care of."

Stark nodded. "Good."

"Need me for anything else?"

"I don't have anything for you, Karev, but I'm sure if you use your head, you can find something else to do. This is a hospital, and there are a lot of things that can get done."

Alex sighed.

Stark looked up from his charts finally and eyed Karev closely with a scowl. "Is that a problem, Karev?"

"No."

Stark waited a few moments before he realized Karev had yet to leave. Sighing heavily in exasperation, because he didn't have time for this, Stark reached over the counter and pulled out five charts. "Karev, come here."

Alex walked over to him. "What?"

"Do these," Stark ordered, shoving all the charts toward Karev, who gave him a cold stare, "because you're so bored and have no idea what to do. That'll give you something to do."

Alex scowled.

"Is that a problem, Karev?"

"Dude, these'll take like hours."

"First of all," Stark countered, "don't call me 'dude.' We went over that, okay? I'm your superior, you will not refer to me as dude. I don't care at natural is it to say that. And secondly," he ignored Alex's hard glare, because frankly, he could care less if this guy liked him or not, "your shift is going to last for a few hours. I think you have way more than enough time."

"Dude-"

"I'm sorry?"

"Dr. Stark..." He corrected before he continued his complaint, "these will take forever."

"The longer you complain, Karev, the less work you're going to get done and the longer you'll be staying here to finish them. Now, you might not like it or want to believe it, but one of the tasks of being a doctor is filling out charts. Or, are you too lazy to care about that part of the job requirement?"

"I'm not lazy."

"Then be a doctor, and fill out these charts," Stark told him. "And don't bother me until they're done unless of the patients in there is flatlining or having complications. Understand?"

Karev only shuffled the charts before he walked away, furious. As he walked away, he mumbled, "I have better things to do than this."

"And what would that be, Karev?" Stark asked, still at the nurse's station. He knew it surprised Karev that he was able to hear him, but he had done everything he could to keep his hearing in check over the years. It served him well in times like these. "Going to the bar and hammering shots?"

"Among other things."

Stark scoffed. "And what would those other things be, Karev? Going around and getting laid?"

"Yeah."

Stark looked at him for a moment with skeptical eyes; he knew of Karev's romantic history. Word spread around the hospital like wildfire. Stark knew all about Lucy Fields and how that had been sent down in flames - all because she had gone behind his back and taken a job in Africa. "And who do you have that you could have sex with?"

"April sure didn't seem to mind being that person a couple nights ago." Karev was so angry at this situation - at this condescending surgeon - that he hadn't realized what he was saying until it had come out of his mouth. He had said it, he knew, to hurt Stark but he feared in the process he was hurting April, as well.

"What?"

And now there was no turning back; there was no taking back the lie he had just told. Karev fidgeted slightly before he answered, "Things like that happen after a few drinks and you get hammered."

"You slept with April?"

"Yeah." Before Karev could say anything else, Stark looked down at the charts like his heart had just been ripped from his chest, like he couldn't breathe and didn't want to ever again. The conversation was over, and Alex knew he had succeeded in hurting Stark. He just hoped it was worth it - this short moment of satisfaction.

Stark didn't bother him the rest of the day.

* * *

><p>April hadn't seen Alex yet, like he was avoiding her. She had to get her mind off it - off the possibility that she had slept with him - so she did the only thing she knew which would take her mind off a stressful situation: she went and bought a bottle of wine and found herself in front of Stark's apartment.<p>

She needed to hear his voice, feel his touch, and know that he wasn't going anywhere...at least for tonight because after tonight everything could change. She needed one night of normalcy, one night with him when he didn't potentially hate her. Because that's what would happen, she was sure. If she had slept with Alex, then it would come out eventually, and then he would hate her.

She just wanted one more night when it was her and him, one night when they were the only two people who mattered.

April breathed in for courage as she knocked on the apartment door. When he opened the door and stared at her solemnly, she asked, "Hey, what's wrong?"

His scowl grew and after a few moments of silence he asked quietly, as if his heart was breaking at the though, "Did you sleep with Alex Karev two nights ago?"

"Robert-"

"Did you sleep with Alex Karev two nights ago, April?"

"I..." She sighed in despair. "I don't know."

"You don't know?"

He sounded more angry to her than tired. She fidgeted slightly, uncomfortable and unsure what to do. "I...I don't remember."

"Karev said you two slept together. He said...He said you both got drunk and you slept together."

April found herself both scowling and fighting back tears. It wasn't anger she saw in his eyes, but overwhelming grief. "Robert-"

"He says you slept together, then it must be true, right? Because how would you know if you don't remember anything?"

She didn't answer him.

"Well..." He looked down at his bare feet. "I hope you enjoyed your first time."

"Robert-"

"Leave me alone," he cut her off, his voice cracking. "Just leave me the hell alone. Go home to Karev and your drunken one-night stand. I hope it was worth waiting twenty-eight years for."

All she could do was stare as he closed the door. She heard it lock, but was too paralyzed to even move away; the only action she was capable of was tears, and they came like a flood as she collapsed against the door.


	17. Deja Vu

**A/N: I was going to wait to post this...Make you guys sweat it out a little, but for one thing, I'm not that mean and secondly, I really want you guys to know what happens. So, lucky you, two chapters in one day :)**

Before April had a chance to talk to Alex - to confront him about what happened - he had left. When she had asked Meredith where he was going with a suitcase and a scowl, Meredith had only answered that it was personal, he was heading home to deal with it, and that he would be gone for a week, possibly more. April couldn't deal with that; this was not a conversation she wanted to have on the phone, but it was eating her alive. Whenever she tried to call him, all she got was a message machine. And he still had yet to return any of her phone calls, like he was avoiding her because he didn't want to face what they had done.

Days passed.

Stark ignored her at every turn.

It was like history repeating itself.

Except she hurt him more this time because he loved her and she ruined that by sleeping with someone else - by giving her virginity away to a guy who had mistreated her when Stark had been so calm and understanding and was willing to wait as long as she needed.

April didn't blame him for ignoring her. She just wished this wasn't happening. She wished she could turn back time and rewrite history.

Whenever she saw him heading her way and he saw her, he would veer off into another direction, as if he had somewhere he had to be that wasn't relatively near her. If April needed to consult with him on a case, she could never find him; it was like he was a ghost, one that haunted her during the day as well as in her dreams. Sometimes she would catch him from afar, working on a case that captured his attention. She would stare at him for moments, watching him work, wondering what it was he was thinking about...wondering if she plagued his thoughts, too.

April wanted to run to him, to shake him and tell him that they couldn't be over yet, not over a stupid decision that she had no control over. She wanted him to look at her like he loved her again, not like she caused him the worst pain he had ever experienced. But he wouldn't even look at her. He avoided her best he could, and she didn't blame him for that. She had messed up, worse than he had, and the guilt was strong enough to eat her alive. She had never experienced guilt like this before, and she hated it.

She hated herself, too, for letting herself lose her virginity on a one-night stand. Twenty eight years and that was how it happened? It made her sick just thinking about it. Stark had been so kind to her, so patient, and would have waited for her - he had made that clear early on. She knew he would have made sure her first time was special and everything she had ever hoped for. It wouldn't have been a one night stand that she couldn't remember. She would have remembered it. It would have been perfect and she wouldn't be standing here, hoping and praying that he would turn around and just look at her, just so she knew he recognized she was alive and there.

That's all she wanted, she realized; she wanted him to acknowledge that she lived and breathed on the same planet that he did. Because this...This was unbearable. April wanted him to look at her, actually _look _at her. It was selfish, certainly, but she needed that. She needed to know he didn't hate her that much. She needed...him. April needed Stark, more than she ever thought she would. Maybe it was true, the saying that nothing was real until it was gone. Because it hadn't been real to her - it had felt like a perfect dream - and now it was all over, and she was left in the reality of her mistakes. She was left to pick up the pieces all alone.

All because she hadn't listened and turned to alcohol in the hopes that it would solve her problems. Here she was with more problems than she ever thought.

April sighed heavily and slammed the chart shut as Dr. Bailey walked up to her. "Something the matter, Kepner?"

April looked at the shorter - yet respectable - woman. "No, Dr. Bailey. I'm all right."

"Good because pediatrics needs an extra hand today."

April scowled. "Pediatrics?"

Bailey nodded and handed her a chart, taking the one that April had just finished working on. "You're on Dr. Stark's staff today, April."

"What?"

Bailey nodded. "And it's a big case, too, Kepner. I'd consider it a blessing. This surgery goes well and people are going to love you."

"Dr. Bailey-"

"No, no. Don't you tell me you can't do it, Kepner."

"But my job...I have things I have to do, Dr. Bailey. Administrative and scheduling and-"

"When I was Chief Resident, Dr. Kepner, I was able to juggle my duties as well as what was needed of me surgically. I don't want to hear any arguments. You need to head to pediatrics right away."

April sighed, the chart heavy in her hands. "All right, Dr. Bailey. If you need anything, let me know. Does...Does Dr. Stark know that I'm on his service, today?"

Bailey nodded. "I just informed him before I came down to get you. He's waiting for you in the patient's room where he's meeting with the boy's parents."

"How old-"

"Go, Kepner."

April was gone before Bailey could give her a hard stare; she found Stark outside the boy's room. He was standing there, flipping through a chart, a stress line in his forehead. She had never seen it from him before, and it startled her. As she advanced toward him, she didn't say anything, relishing this moment when he didn't know she was there and couldn't look at her like she was the spawn of the devil. He sighed heavily and slammed the chart shut, looking through the blinds at the young boy surrounded by his parents.

"Dr. Stark?"

He looked over at her, his eyes blank and lifeless. After a moment, he swallowed and found his voice. "How much do you know?"

"About the patient?"

"No about rocket science," he answered sarcastically, furious. "Yes, about the patient. What else would I be talking about, Kepner?"

April fidgeted slightly. "Nothing."

Stark scoffed and shook his head. "All right. Take this chart and read it quickly."

She almost dropped the binder after he shoved it in her arms. April scowled as she read the summary as quickly as she could. "Jesus, he's five and needs a heart transplant?"

Stark nodded. "And his liver's failing."

April looked up from the chart finally, her mouth open in surprise. "My God-"

"Try not to have that face when we go in there, Kepner," Stark told her, grabbing the chart from her and stuffing it in between his arm and his body. He sighed. "Are you ready or do you need a minute to compose yourself?"

She stared at him and then nodded. "I'm ready."

Stark opened the door and smiled at the young boy-frail in the hospital bed-and his waiting, nervous patients. "Jack, Emma, how are you guys doing?"

They met each other's eyes before they turned to him. "How do you think we're doing?"

April watched the exchange with curiosity; he obviously knew the parents, and the patient, because the boy seemed calm around him and completely unafraid. She wondered silently how they knew each other, or if Stark had treated this boy before at a different time. She was torn from her reverie, however, when Stark asked her to explain to them what was going to happen during the surgery. April explained it to them, every once and a while glancing over at Stark to see his reaction, and when he offered none, she continued to tell them the procedure and decided to leave out the complications in case that was something he didn't want to share with them.

Finally, he stopped her by telling them, "And we'll be performing the procedure in the next couple days."

"What does that mean, Dr. Stark?" Emma asked him.

"Two days," he gave her a definite answer. "In two days JJ here will be wheeled into surgery and he'll come out five or six hours later and have a brand new heart and liver. Doesn't that sound fun, JJ?"

The boy scowled. "Does this mean I'll feel different?"

Stark smiled. "Maybe a little tired and you'll have a cool scar, but that's about it. You'll feel a lot better, too, not like you feel right now."

"No. In my heart."

Stark scowled. "In your heart?"

"Mommy says that everything I am is in my heart. If I lose my heart-"

Stark shook his head with a soft smile. "No, buddy. You'll still be the same JJ. That won't change."

"Promise?"

Stark nodded and reached across the bed, offering his pinky to the young boy. "Pinky promise." He couldn't help but smile when JJ completed the pinky promise with a wide, satisfied grin.

April couldn't take her eyes off him, how gentle and loving he was when he interacted with this boy.

"Who'll be performing the surgery, Dr. Stark?" Jack asked him.

"It'll be me, our head of cardiothoracic surgery Dr. Altman, Dr. Kepner here, and an entire team of professionals, which includes a transplant specialist. Everything will go all right, Jack. Don't worry."

"Easy for you to say. You're the one holding the scalpel, not sitting in the waiting room. You do this every day," he answered. "We don't."

Stark nodded in understanding. "Nothing will go wrong, Jack. It'll all be all right. You have to trust me. You do trust me, don't you?"

Jack sighed. "I do."

"Then let me do my job and this'll all be all right in the end, okay?"

Before April realized what had happened, her and Stark left the room and were standing in front of x-rays in a dark room. The only light came from the machine that eliminated the x-rays so they could see everything, any possible abnormalities. When they saw none, Stark pulled the scans down and shut off the light, sending them into darkness temporarily before he turned on the desk light and sat down with a sigh.

"You all right, Dr. Stark?"

He didn't look at her or even answer as he rested his head in his hand, his elbow on the table. With a deep sigh he leaned against the chair and closed his eyes. Right now he needed silence, silence and darkness so he couldn't think of anything.

"Dr. Stark?"

"Stop talking," he ordered, his voice not gentle but not malicious. He ran his fingers through his hair and shook his head. Breathing out finally, he said after a moment, "I'm fine, Dr. Kepner."

"You look-"

"Frustrated?" He asked, looking toward her with spiritless eyes. "Angry? Tired? Helpless? All of the above? Tell me, Kepner, what the hell I look like because I'm feeling all of those emotions right now. And I want silence. Can you give me that? Just a moment of peace?"

April scowled and didn't say anything even as he turned away from her and closed his eyes. She could give him silence after destroying his faith in her; that was only fair. Without a word, she pulled the chair behind her closer and sat down, twisting her hands together and letting them rest on her lap as she patiently stared at him, deciding what emotions she did see in him. It was more of helpless, she decided finally. And this was a look she had never seen from him either professionally or personally. April felt like she was staring at the shell of a man who was so lifeless that he couldn't register anything except his own pain. It was all because of her, because of what she had done to him, and this case...Just like the boy he had lost before.

Was he losing himself again? Was everything in his life snowballing and rendering him powerless? The thought scared her because if it could happen to someone like him, someone who was strong and had never broken before...someone who had built up walls just so this sort of thing didn't happen again...then it could happen to any one of them. Any one of them could be broken beyond repair.

"Dr. Stark?"

He groaned and rolled his eyes, letting his hand fall from his head. "What?"

"Do you know this boy?"

"No, I just happen to know that his parents name are Jack and Emma and they went to the same high school as I did and we were close college friends and Jack was best man at my wedding. And I was the surgeon that operated on JJ when he was born and I was the one who saw that he was having heart failure and I was his doctor for years. But, you know, I know nothing about him personally. Nothing at all. That's why I call him JJ, because that's so impersonal." He gave her a stern-angry-glare. "Does that give you your answer, Dr. Kepner, or do I need to explain more?"

She ignored his attempt to stab her with a bit of his own brand of poison and asked gently, "Do you think you might be a little too close to this case to operate on this boy? Conflict of interest and all? It might be difficult."

He stared at her, livid, like he was ready to kill her. "Are you doubting me?"

"No, no, I-"

"That's like a slap in the face," he told her, standing up. "I am perfectly capable of performing this surgery. Just because you doubt me personally does not mean you get doubt me professionally, too."

His walls were up, and the cannons were firing in a defensive front so dangerous that she knew he would fight to the death just to slink away with an ounce of his dignity still intact. And she had done this to him. She couldn't take that she had broken this strong man to where he felt he needed to protect himself against everyone, even if the person before him wasn't an attacker. "Dr. Stark-"

"This conversation is over, Dr. Kepner."

"Dr. Stark-"

He stopped from walking out the door completely, opening it slightly, his hand on the doorknob when he turned back to face her. "Consider yourself off this surgery, Dr. Kepner. Assign someone else to it."

"What? You're firing me because-"

"No," he cut her off, "I'm letting you off this surgery because you are Chief Resident and you have other things to focus on and I do not want you on this case if you aren't going to give me a hundred and ten percent." Without another word, he closed the door and walked away from her, going back to ignoring her so he didn't have to look at her and see a memory of what they had...and what they would never be again.


	18. Complications

**A/N: The next four chapters (which include this one) were supposed to all be in one chapter, but I felt like that was too much information rolled into one, so I'm going to give it to you in segments so that you can take each piece of information in (there's something big every chapter). I just thought you guys deserved to know why each one is pretty short in comparison to the others.**

**Enjoy! You're going to love this chapter...at least the first part.**

"Alex!"

He was back from his trip and was ignoring her completely as she followed him - like a puppy dog - up the stairs into his room. Finally, after throwing his suitcase on his bed and unzipping it, he asked, exasperated, "What, April?"

She scowled and stood in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe. "Do you remember what happened between us at the bar last week?"

"Why?"

"Because you told Robert that we slept together and if we did-"

Karev shook his head and sighed heavily. "We didn't sleep together, April."

"What?"

"We didn't have sex," he told her again, turning to face his her. His eyes were exhausted, perhaps a little frustrated, and having her question him now wasn't helping the situation. "We came home and I slept on your floor so you didn't choke on your own vomit - you didn't vomit, just fyi."

"So then why does he think we slept together?"

Alex sighed; this was the uncomfortable part. "I...I just told him that we did."

"Why did you do that?"

He had never seen her more furious; if he were any closer to her, Alex was sure that she would slap him. He had already been slapped once in the past couple of days. Another one would only add to his misery. "Because he was pissing me off and I had enough of it so...So I said that because I knew it would be a way to get back at him."

April only shook her head. "I can't believe you did that. Why would you do that?"

He backed away quickly as she advanced toward him, her fists clenched as if she were ready to unleash them. "April, come on-"

"No, you come on!" Her eyes flared in anger. "You don't tell someone that you slept together when you didn't just because you're being treated like shit! I actually thought we slept together! Do you have any idea what you've put me through the past couple days!"

"April-"

"And what about Robert? Do you have any idea what you did to him?"

"I hurt him," Alex answered matter-of-factly because, after all, his goal had been to hurt him; he just hadn't realized the extent until he had said it.

"You broke his heart! You broke his heart by telling him that I slept with you when I didn't!" If they weren't in this enclosed space with Zola sleeping a couple rooms over, she would have screamed. "And...And he won't even look or talk to me! He treats me like I don't exist because you lied because you were pissed off that someone was treating you bad. You don't get to do that because someone doesn't like you, Alex! You don't get to treat people that way because the world treats you like shit sometimes!"

"Will you stop yelling?"

"You just single handedly ruined the best thing that I've ever had! You made the man who loves me, hate me! I'm not going to stop yelling!"

"Aw, come on I am not the only one at fault-"

"Are you kidding me?" She advanced toward him until he was pushed up against the wall, her fists practically turning white. "You're honestly considering blaming me for this?"

"You should have known we didn't have sex!"

"I didn't remember anything! How the hell would I have known if I couldn't remember a single thing?"

"Because you'd remember something like having sex for the first time! That's not something you'd forget!"

"Well how can I know that if I've never had it?"

"Hey, guys."

They both turned around to find Meredith standing there, a towel over her shoulder which was most likely for Zola. April sighed heavily and asked, "Please tell me we didn't wake Zola up?"

"No. Derek's taking her for a walk before work." She smiled slightly and added, "But you did wake me up."

"Sorry, Mer," Alex apologized. "If April-"

April wheeled around to face him and hit him, hard. "If I what? If I wasn't yelling at you? If you hadn't been a jackass and lied to Robert about us sleeping together, this wouldn't be happening! I wouldn't have to yell at you!"

"I'll talk to him, okay? Will that make this better? If I talk to him and explain to him that it wasn't the truth and I was just saying it because I was pissed off at him?" Alex scowled at the look of ferocious anger in her eyes and put his hands up in case she moved to hit him again. "Will that make it better?"

"You shouldn't do it because you want me to stop yelling at you, Alex," April told him angrily as she turned to walk away. "You should do it because it's the right thing."

Meredith moved aside quickly so April could leave the room. Sighing, she crossed her arms and stared at Alex, who looked both extremely exhausted and defeated. "I thought you would learn the first time, Alex."

"It just came out..." He sighed and threw his hands up, exasperated. "I couldn't take it back."

"Yes you could have," Meredith told him. "And now you have to go and explain yourself because no matter what you think - no matter what jokes you crack - those two made a great couple. They understood one another and were perfect for each other and he wasn't going to leave her or treat her like shit. It's your fault that's over, and it's your job to fix it."

"How?"

"You tell the truth."

"When should I do it?"

After a moment, she answered, "Don't do it during surgery because Stark just might stab you with a scalpel."

"And what if he just happens to carry a scalpel on him?"

"Then he's got some issues and you better have fast reflexes."

Alex sighed as she walked away, leaving him to finish unpacking and decide what he was going to do next.

* * *

><p>Stark sighed as he began to scrub in, lathering up more than he had to because this patient was more than just a little human to him; this was his friends' son, their pride and joy, their whole reason for living and traveling from city to city so they could find the best surgeon. Jack and Emma were putting their faith - their son - in his hands, and this wasn't something to be taken lightly; nor did he take it lightly. He felt, as the latex gloves were slipped on his hands, that the entire world was resting on his shoulders, and even though he hated it, he wished April were here to give him such a strong sense of equilibrium that he knew he could do this. But she wasn't here, and he felt off-balance, capable of being attacked from all sides.<p>

The next few moments happened almost like a dream. Stark almost felt himself projected out of his body and given a front row seat to what was unfolding before him. Before the surgery even began, Stark's ears were ringing from the heart-wrenching sound of the flatline. JJ's blood pressure had dangerously spiked. They took out the paddles and the oxygen, hooking him up as they began the process to resuscitate him.

All Stark heard through the chaos was flatline.

He looked up at the clock and felt his heart begin to tear itself apart.

After a moment he heard Altman say, "Time of death: 9:28 AM."

Stark tore his cap off and left the operating room. His legs carried him all the way to the waiting room where Jack and Emma were patiently - and nervously - waiting to hear how things were going with their son. It felt like deja vu all over again, like history was dangerously repeating itself. He wasn't even sure what he was saying, but Stark knew he had delivered the news by the heart-wrenching sob he heard from Emma who, if her husband had not stopped her, would have lunged at him.

For the second time in his career, Stark felt like he deserved it.


	19. A Comforting Hand

April had been in the observation deck when JJ flatlined, dying on that operating table from complications that none of them had the power to foresee. She had seen Stark's reaction, how he froze like his body was trapped in time and he was incapable of movement. Even though she wasn't seeing his face she knew - because she had spent so much time with him and understood who he was - that he was about to have a meltdown. Even behind the mask she knew he was frowning - his eyes told her everything she needed to know. They looked like they had when he opened the door to face her: shattered and guilty. He had pulled his cap off and left the operating room as quickly as he could, as if staying there was poisoning his soul.

She found him - perhaps fifteen minutes later - in the on-call room where he was sitting against a wall, his head bowed against his knees. April moved slowly, so not to scare him, and shut the door gently as she walked over to him; she slid down the wall and sat beside him, noticing how his hair was ruffled slightly from both the cap and - undoubtedly - running his fingers through his hair constantly. She resisted the urge to touch him even though she was certain the contact would rid him of some pain.

He looked up finally and rested his chin on his arms, but didn't turn his head to look at her. "He flatlined."

"I know."

"How?"

"I was sitting in the observation deck when it happened," April toward him, smiling gently when he looked at her closely, bewildered by her kind action. "JJ meant something to you - no matter what you said - and...I guess he meant something to me, too."

He swallowed hard before he stared back at the wall. "How can he mean something to you - because he means something to me - if you and I aren't anything?"

April decided now was not the time to share with him that she had not slept with Alex like they both thought; right now, this was about him and about the guilt that plagued his soul over losing a boy he undoubtedly had grown to love. It wasn't right, she decided, to share that information now when everything hurt him. She was certain even if she had told him that he would scoff at the information, disbelieving her like she had done for her when he admitted the truth about his ex-wife. "Robert?"

"I don't want to talk about it, April."

By using her first name, he indicated to her that he was talking about their personal situation - about the fact that he still thought she had slept with Alex. Even though that was what she wanted to talk about, April could shift gears for him and talk about the other topic that bothered him. "Does his family know?"

"I told them. They're with grief counselors and...I don't know who they're with right now. I just...I couldn't be in there with them, not when I'm the reason that their son is dead."

"You are not-"

"You can scream it at me until I'm blue in the face, Dr. Kepner, but it isn't going to change how I feel right now," he answered her, his tone dead and tired. "Only thing that'll change it is time."

"JJ meant a lot to you, didn't he?"

"Last year he came in with heart problems - that was where we realized that he would need a heart transplant - and one night Jack and Emma both needed sleep. They were exhausted, had been at the hospital longer than our nurses who sometimes pulled double shifts. Well, I was just coming off my shift and my adrenaline was up from completing a difficult surgery. I told them to go home and I spent the night in JJ's room with him, making sure nothing happened and he was sleeping peacefully the entire night." Stark paused for a moment. "When he woke up the next morning I was gone and his parents had taken my place. He never knew I was there, but it didn't matter because he had felt safe with the feeling that someone was in his room watching over him. That's what mattered. It didn't matter that I wanted to pass out, as long as he felt safe."

"You're a good man, Robert. You are."

"Then why does the world keep throwing shit at me?"

"To test you, I guess." She shrugged. "I don't know. I think you'd have the answers to life before I did."

"April, I've lived a long time and even I don't have the answers to life." He shook his head sadly, tucking it against his knees for a moment to rest. "You know, everyone has a breaking point, a moment when the test is too difficult and they can't do it anymore. I feel like I'm close to reaching mine. I think it'll just be one more thing that's going to send me over the edge."

April stared at him. "It's not your fault. What happened to JJ...It's not your fault."

"Then whose fault is it?"

"Why does it have to be anyone's fault?"

"Because I know Emma," he told her. "I grew up with her and I know that when something catastrophic like this happens if she can't find someone to blame - someone to find fault in - she'll put the blame on herself. And with JJ...If she blames herself for his death she won't ever come out of that."

"So you'd rather she blame you than blame herself?"

"Yes."

April sighed after a moment. He truly was a good man to _want _to carry someone else's pain just so they didn't have to feel it, a man that she needed in her life regardless of what he was. Against all regard, she reached across and took his hand in hers, squeezing it gently when he looked at her. She smiled when he didn't fight her and didn't pull his hand away. They simply sat there, the only thing connecting them was their hands and - April wanted to believe - their souls.


	20. Beatdown

The rest of the day went smoothly even though Stark felt like something was missing; he knew what it was, knew that the death of JJ had left an empty hole in his chest that had started out as a simple pothole when he had lost his first patient. It had grown silently - slowly - over the years but JJ's death had transformed it into a sinkhole which threatened to pull him under and trap him until some kind soul stuck their hand down to pull him out.

He surprised himself to be moving now, completing charts like this was any other day...In fact, it was any other day until he remembered that it wasn't. If he had his way, he would check out and never return because there was nothing here for him left.

What was he good at anyway?

It was obvious to him now that he couldn't save the people who relied on him the most; Emma's look of hatred and grief had shown him that. He couldn't manage to keep his personal life in order, what with the return of Lauren - who had yet to give the money and leave - and April, who had betrayed him in the worst way possible that he thought he might never open himself up again. He couldn't even eat, a normal function that a caveman could perform. Food had no taste for him and he didn't have the energy to even lift up a fork.

What the hell was he good for now except to take up space?

Stark sighed at his thoughts - thoughts that he hated with every fiber of his being - and slammed the chart down on the nurse's stations, eliciting surprise from all standing around him. However, he offered no explanation and instead grabbed the chart and walked to his office to work, a place where he could find silence if not peace. That was all he wanted, he realized; he wanted peace. Peace from Lauren and April and Emma and everyone around him because right now he was in no condition to deal with himself, let alone anyone else.

He had built the walls up for a reason, years ago when he first started, so that this sort of thing wouldn't happen again. Now that the poison had returned and was corrupting his soul again, he felt like he couldn't breathe. He couldn't even think. All he could recognize was his pain, his depression, and he didn't have the energy to deal with that now. The only thing he could do was stare at this charts and put all his energy in to make sure he didn't lose another patient.

Minutes - perhaps hours, he wasn't sure - passed before he looked up from the chart at the sound of the knock. He scowled immediately and asked, "What the hell do you want, Dr. Karev?"

"Can I speak with you for a moment, Dr. Stark?"

"It looks like you already are," Stark answered bitterly as he stood and put the chart on his desk. "What do you want? Coming in to rub it into my face?"

"No."

"Then what do you want? Because you aren't on my rotation today and all..." He paused for a brief second, the pain being nailed into his heart like a spike. "Most of my patients are fine."

"Yes, sir."

Stark hadn't realized that he had meant that as a question, but continued regardless, too tired to nastily point that fact out. "So what the hell do you want?"

Alex swallowed hard, feeling like the teenager in high school who let another kid take the fall for one of his actions and now he was admitting his crime to the principal. He breathed in for courage, however, and decided that this needed to be said...He needed to right his wrong, no matter the consequences. "I didn't sleep with April."

"What?"

"April and I...We didn't have sex like I told you we did."

Stark scowled and stared at him, almost disbelievingly. "What? You were too drunk to remember what really happened?"

"No. I...When I told you that, I was lying."

"You were lying?"

Alex nodded. "I...I was upset at you for everything that you were making me do - for everything that you've made me do in the past and the way you've treated me - and I lied because I knew it would hurt you, what I said. I wanted to hurt you, so I lied about April and me having sex. It was all a big lie. We didn't have sex and April...She didn't do what you think she did."

"She didn't have sex with you?"

"No."

"Does she know that?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't she tell me earlier when I saw her?"

Alex shrugged. "Probably thought that you wouldn't believe her, just like she didn't believe you after your ex-wife told her that you were married."

"She told you that?"

"She told me a lot of things. She's a real chatterbox when she's drunk." He had meant to be funny, to lighten the situation, but Stark only scowled at the comment. It was time to backtrack now. "But...She only talked about you the entire time...About how much you meant to her and how much it hurt her to think that you were abandoning her and going back with your ex."

Stark nodded. "Well, thank you, Alex, for your honesty."

Alex scowled, thinking that was easy and he couldn't believe how simple it was and that he might slink away from this without a bloody nose or a headache from a well-deserved right hook. Alex should have known nothing in life was that easy when he felt a fist connect with his head. He fell backward slightly and used the door as support while he reeled from the heavy punch.

Stark only stared at him, a hint of satisfaction in his eyes.

"I deserved that," Alex admitted with a nod as he rubbed his jaw gently. "I did."

Stark hit him again, this time harder than the last.

Alex groaned and leaned against the wall, glad he wasn't suffering from a bloody nose or broken jaw. "Feel better?"

"About you and April I am." After a moment of silence and a confused - and pained - stare from Alex, Stark warned, "If you don't walk away, Karev, you're going to get a lot worse than that."

"So...Are you going to forgive her? You know, go after her?"

Stark scowled. He didn't have the energy to _think _right now, let alone worry about April and what she was going to say and where they went from here. He was hurting too much, already, and didn't want to worry about anything else except nursing his wounds. If he was going to talk to her, he knew it wouldn't be today. Stark wanted to punch Karev again; the first hit had felt amazing, like he had let go of some of his frustration and anger. "Leave, Karev."

"But-"

"Leave," he ordered, watching as Karev didn't need to be told a third time. With a sigh, Stark sat in the chair, staring at a lank computer screen like he was staring at his future.

He had no idea where to go from here.


	21. Take a Minute to Remember

**A/N: The scene between Arizona and Stark is actually a scene in Grey's history, so I can't take credit for that (however, I did put my own little spin on it). The second April/Stark scene should be familiar, and I put it in for symbolism...and it's just so damn cute.**

Stark waited patiently as the elevator came up from the ground floor. His day had been a roller coaster from losing JJ to his interaction with April and finally punching Alex Karev - even though the last one was his favorite. That had felt fantastic.

When the doors opened, he froze momentarily to see that Arizona was standing there in her formal wear - indicating to him that she had no surgeries that needed to be performed. He scowled at the thought of picking up another scowl and only stared at her from the short distance, wondering how she could look so...okay when he couldn't even understand all the emotions that engaged in a civil war in his heart.

"I don't bite, Dr. Stark."

He scowled and closed the distance, standing beside her as he hit the doors closed. "I'm sorry, Dr. Robbins."

She turned to him. "About what?"

He refused to look at her, instead keeping his eyes glued to the numbers that slowly winded down. "Making you think I didn't...Never mind."

Arizona sighed heavily. "I..I heard about the heart transplant. I'm sorry."

"Me, too."

Arizona watched him closely, the way his whole body was tense and his glossy eyes - which indicated to her that he wasn't as strong as they all thought; he had a heart, and losing that boy had broken it. Without a word, Arizona reached across from him and hit the emergency stop button on the elevator. She only blinked at his scowl in her direction and told him, "Take a minute, Robert. Just...Take a minute to breathe."

He stared at her for a moment, scowling. "Robbins-"

"Take a minute. Give yourself a minute to miss that little boy."

"Robbins-"

"I won't watch. I'll turn my head and we'll pretend that it never happened and I won't mention this to anyone as long as I live - not even Callie. But, Robert, you need to take a minute. Because I can see it in your eyes. You're dying inside, and if you don't allow yourself a minute, it's going to eat you alive."

Respectfully - as she had promised - Arizona bowed her head and clasped her hands in front of her as he moved toward the back of the elevator. She heard him fall against the wall and she didn't need to see him to know that he was crying, that his grief was consuming him. Moments - perhaps minutes - passed and even as she heard him clear his throat and stand, she didn't turn around. It wasn't until she could see him in his peripheral vision did she turn to him. He was composed now, his face no longer blank but a soft scowl - back to normal. "You good?"

"Yeah."

She reached across and hit the emergency stop button to start their movement again. Their eyes were both glued on the numbers as they reached the top, where Arizona would get off.

Before the doors dinged for her to step off, he said softly, "Thank you, Arizona."

She smiled. "Anytime."

With a sigh, Stark watched as the elevator made it halfway down before the elevator doors opened. Making a decision, he stepped from the elevator and walked over to the nurse's station where a nurse was quietly at the computer. "Have you seen Dr. Kepner?"

"She just got done with a surgery and she's in the on-call room," the nurse answered. "Do you need her paged?"

"No. Thank you." He gave her a polite smile as he walked away from the nurse's station. Minutes later he found himself in front of the on-call room, breathing in for confidence and courage as he opened the door. Stark shut it gently behind him, turning around to see that he had surprised her. She had jumped up from the bed and was now staring at him, confused yet alert at the same time, like she was ready for some catastrophe.

He sighed a content sigh - not pained like he thought it would be - then smiled. "Hey, April."

"Hey."

He took a step forward and swallowed hard, staring at her like this was the hardest thing he had ever done - like standing here before her in his normal clothes compared to her scrubs made him nervous. Just being in this room, after everything that had been done and said between the past few days, made him nervous. But he had to do this. They couldn't move forward if he didn't. "I'd like you to join me for dinner."

"Come again?"

"Dinner," he repeated, fidgeting nervously despite her smile.

"Right now?"

"No. I already ate. I'm just saying...some other night."

"Like...?"

"Just, you know...I mean...a date."

"Did...did you only ask me out because I was here for you earlier?"

"No," he looked away from her, down at his shoes for a moment, and shoved his hands in his pockets because he didn't have a little blue elephant to hold. "I...I asked you out because you convinced me even more today that I love you and that I need you in my life - as more than just a colleague and definitely as more than just a friend. And when you love someone...You don't let them get away from you."

"Well..." she trailed off and looked at him, a soft smile on her face.

"Just..." he looked back up at her, threw his hands up, and smiled, "think about it."

April's smile grew as he gave her a nod and left the on-call room.


	22. Just Like Alex Karev

"Robert?"

Stark looked up from his desk - from the chart of another young boy who was going to need some sort of transplant - and sighed. Even though a few days had passed, his wound was still fresh - waiting until he let it eat him alive. "Lauren, now's not really a good time."

She didn't seem to notice his statement because she walked into his office anyway and shut the door gently behind her, leaning against it as she stared at him with crossed arms. When he looked up at her, somewhat surprised - and perhaps a little agitated that she had not listened - she murmured gently, "I heard."

"You heard?"

"About JJ."

"Ah." He looked away from her and down at the chart, clicking his pen so he could start again. "I don't want to talk about that."

"Robert-"

"I said," he looked back up at her with a firm stare, "that I don't want to talk about it. Can we just leave it at that?"

"Jack and Emma are having his funeral in a couple of days."

"I...I, um...I don't think it would be best if I went to that," he told her as he set the chart down on his desk so he could turn his attention to her completely. "Emma...She probably doesn't want me there anyway, you know."

"Do you want me to talk to her?"

"The last thing she probably wants is to have to worry about me being there, so no. Just...Don't even bother."

"Robert-"

"It's okay, Lauren, really."

"Jack was your best man at our wedding, you...you grew up in the house next door to Emma. Jesus, you even took her to junior prom. You have been close to them your entire life, Robert, and-"

"And I killed their son. They don't want me there because what's going to happen is I'm going to go, they're going to see me, and then that's going to bring back the memory of their son and what happened and how I couldn't save him like I promised I would."

"They don't blame you."

"How do you know that? Did you talk to them?"

"No, but-"

"You don't know Emma like I do, Lauren. She blames people when something like this happens because she can't bear to blame herself - nor should she. It's not her fault that her son died on that operating table, it's mine. She did everything she could and she was the best mother that little boy could ever have asked for. It is not her fault."

"Maybe you should go there and tell her that."

"I can't."

"You can't, or you don't want to?" When he turned away from her again, she knew that he wasn't going to say anything else about the subject and that she was being shut down; he wasn't exposing his heart to her anymore. "There's another reason why I came to talk to you besides attempting to convince you to go the wake and funeral."

"What?"

"I'd like to tell you that I won't be staying in Seattle much longer. After meeting here with you, I'm going to Chief Weber and I'm going to give him the money for the hospital."

"Good."

"But I'm going to tell him that I'll give him the money on the stipulation that he keeps you on as Chief of Pediatrics."

Stark scowled and turned to her. "Have you heard something?"

"You must have knew it was going to happen."

"Who did you talk to? Weber himself? Or Robbins maybe?"

"Robert-"

He shook his head and chuckled gently. "You know, I should have known this was going to happen. I mean, I was only here for the time being because Arizona went to Africa for a short while. My contract was only supposed to be for a year."

"Robert-"

"Why else would they keep me on? They've got her back, don't they?" He sighed heavily and shook his head. "And...And you're going to bat for me?"

"I think I owe you that after the havoc that I've created the past few days. You deserve to keep your job and continue working here, Robert."

"Something tells me that's not the only reason why you're doing this."

"I see the way you look at her," Lauren told him gently. "The way whenever her name is brought up, your eyes just get this spark like...Like she's your entire world. And I hear it in your voice whenever you talk about her, how much you love her. And...By you moving away so you can find another position - by doing that - you're leaving her. I already broke the two of you up once before, and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen again."

He sighed heavily. "Thank you, Lauren, but that's not necessary."

"What?"

"It's just...It's not necessary."

She heard him loud and clear, what he was saying to her - that his pain was too deep now and he was seriously doubting himself as a surgeon, let alone chief of pediatrics. Though she heard and understood that, she had never been the kind of woman to follow what he asked of her in regards to his profession. She wasn't going to start now. After a moment, she smiled and told him, "If you need me, you know you can call at any time."

"Just...Do me a favor and let me know when you leave, all right?"

She nodded. "I'm going to miss you."

He gave her a soft smile before she opened the door and walked away from his office - going to secure the future of his hospital and his job here, he realized. He was thankful for that action that she did. She was keeping him here, with her, and that's what made all the difference. Now he just had to go home where he knew April would be expecting him, and try to be someone that she needed even though right now all he wanted to do was drink himself into a bottle.

He sighed and turned back to the chart; he needed to get this done first.

* * *

><p>By the time he got back to his apartment, she was there waiting for him - in his kitchen - cooking. He scowled slightly as he threw his keys on the counter and took off his jacket. "April?"<p>

"Yeah?"

"How'd you get in here?"

"Your landlord let me in after I explained to him that I wanted to surprise you by cooking something," April told them. "He was skeptical at first but then I showed him all the cooking supplies I had and he let me. He even stayed for a minute or two to make sure I was actually going to cook something and I wasn't here to kill you."

"I see. What are you making?"

"Nothing special," she answered, smiling when he walked around the counter so he was standing behind her, his hands on his shoulders as he inspected the food. "Just chicken and some vegetables. It's not fancy, but-"

"It's perfect." He kissed her head gently and told her, "I'm going to go get changed."

"You look fine in what you're wearing."

He shook his head. "My formal business clothes clash with your jeans and blouse, April. Now, we can't have that, can we?"

She smirked. "Well, if you're going to be like that then, don't underdress."

"Never." He gently tilted her chin so she was looking at him and kissed her softly. "I'll be right back, okay?"

She nodded. "Take your time. This chicken isn't going anywhere."

"Unless it grows legs and decides it wants to cross the road." He smiled when she only rolled her eyes and turned around to walk into his bedroom. Closing the door gently behind him, he began to strip until he had found clothes that he wanted to wear. Once he was dressed, he exited the room and smiled to find that she was now in front of the television, scanning for something to watch. Stark took the remote gently from her and set it down on the table. "Do you honestly think we'll be watching television?"

"No, but it's background noise."

"Background noise?"

"Yes," she answered, taking the remote back from him again.

"And...What would we need background noise for?" He smiled when she rolled her eyes, knowing full well that nothing would happen unless she was the one who initiated the contact. "Just so when we talk - in case there's an awkward or silent moment - we'll have the television on so we can turn to it and watch until we think of something to say?"

"Well, I wasn't thinking that far ahead, but sure."

He smiled and watched her return back to the kitchen. He leaned against the counter, his arms crossed, as he stared at her. "You know, this was not a sight that I expected to see tonight, I'll tell you that."

"Oh? And what did you expect?"

"Not you cooking in my kitchen." He laughed. "I'm actually surprised you found pots and pans and spatulas to cook with."

"What? You don't carry this stuff around?"

"When I came to Seattle, April, my contract was a year-long deal. And...since I'm not really that big of a cooker when it's just me, it didn't seem that smart to go out and buy a bunch of stuff for my kitchen that I would never use. It's been almost a year, anyway. I clearly haven't used a lot of things in my kitchen."

"Your contract with Seattle Grace was only a year-long deal?"

"Yeah. That's how long everyone figured Arizona would be gone in Africa for." He saw a hint of something - fear maybe - and scowled when she quickly turned back to the food because she didn't want him to see it. "So that's how long my contract with the hospital is."

"I see."

He scowled. "What's wrong?"

At first she didn't answer him, as if she was trying to figure out how to say whatever it was without exposing herself completely. Finally, she turned to him, spatula in hand and asked, "What are you going to do after your contract is up? You're...You're going to try and get it renewed, aren't you?"

Stark bit his bottom lip slightly and met her eyes. "No, I'm not."

She turned away from him, immediately; he thought for a moment that she would continue to cook but instead she threw the spatula down on the counter. After a few minutes of silence - and thinking - she turned to him, her eyes angry and perhaps a little hurt. "So, then...Then what's going to happen?"

"The Chief is going to get what he's always wanted and he's going to hire Arizona back as Chief of Pediatrics."

"And...And you're not going to fight for that? You're not going to fight to keep your job?"

"Why fight a losing battle? No matter what I say or do, the Chief favors Dr. Robbins and she's going to get her job back."

"But-"

"You can't tell me that's not going to happen, April. You and I both know that as soon as Arizona came back everyone wanted her to be the chief of pediatrics again but she couldn't because I was there and Weber couldn't afford to pay me out of my contract and re-hire her. Now that my time is going to be back up, he's got all the chance he needs to re-instate her."

"So...what?" She seemed furious now. "You're just going to roll over and die?"

"Why not?" He shrugged. "No one wants - or needs - me here."

April wanted to slap him. "_I _need you here. I need you to stay in Seattle and I need you in my life."

He looked up at her, finally. "You don't want to be a part of my life."

"No, don't say that." She moved toward him quickly and put her hands on his cheeks. "You're only saying that because of what happened with JJ. This...This isn't you, talking. This is your pain."

"I can't tell the difference anymore."

April kissed him gently, lingering for a moment only so he knew it wasn't some quick peck that didn't really mean anything. "Luckily for you, I can tell the difference. And this isn't you. You're hurting from what happened to JJ and you're blaming yourself when it isn't your fault. Your pain is clouding your ability to listen to reason."

"So then why are you trying?"

"Because there was no one there for you when you fell last time. You didn't have anyone there to catch you." She smiled. "And that's not the case this time."

"I have you?"

"Until the very end."

* * *

><p>Once dinner was finished - and Stark insisted on washing them so they wouldn't be a hassle in the morning - and they were sitting on his couch, chatting over the soft white noise of the television, it was April who threw a curveball into the innocent conversation about sports and why certain sports were at certain times of the year when she asked, seriously, "Can I ask you something, Robert?"<p>

"Uh-oh."

She smiled and shook her head. "It's not bad, I promise."

"They all say that before they stab you in the back," he commented dryly, smiling when she glared. "All right, I'm sorry. What is it?"

"Why do you love me?"

"What?"

"Why do you love me?" When he only scowled, she felt the need to tell him, "It's not like it's that big of a deal. You know, I was just wondering. I'm not that teenage girl that'll break up with her boyfriend because he can't tell her why he loves her."

"You know, that actually happened to me once."

"Did it?"

He nodded and laughed. "I was in the third grade and I had this big crush on our next door neighbor - she was a year older than I was. And one day I dressed up in this little suit and I picked some daffodils off the ground and gave them to her and told her that I loved her."

"And what did she do?"

"She looked at me with this dark scowl like I was there to kill her and the daffodils were poison."

"Well, they are weeds."

"At eight years old, I did not know that," he told her, smirking at the bright smile on her face - like she was loving this story. "And she asked me to tell her why I loved her and I said it was because she was pretty and she helped me build a sandbox. She said that wasn't good enough and walked away. I never got to play with her again."

April laughed. "And did that break your little heart?"

"You bet. I couldn't eat a popsicle for a month. I was devastated."

"You poor little boy. How'd you ever get over it?"

"This family moved in down the street and they had three boys - all around my age - so instead of building sandboxes with my neighbor, I was going around finding bugs and jumping around in dirt and mud with the boys."

"Sounds like fun."

Stark shrugged. "The three of them and I are still good friends today. Every year we head into the woods and go hunting and camping for a little while."

"Do you tromp around in the mud and find bugs?"

"_I _don't. I can't say the same for the guys. They...They still like to rough house when someone doesn't do what he's supposed to. They get into some serious wrestling matches over the stupidest things."

"And you don't partake?"

"I can't ruin this gifted hands," he told her, holding his hands up with a laugh. "Besides, they'd rather I'd not wrestle. They know I'd kill them."

"It's good that you're so close. Not a lot of childhood friendships last."

"We got lucky. That, and men don't cause as much drama as women dow. When our girlfriends had this big tests of friendship, we never had those. It was just like whatever and we moved on. We never had big arguments, and if we did it was settled by seeing who could knock the other one out first."

"That sounds nice."

"Pretty much drama free," he added, smiling at the memory of the week and how much drama had been caused by both the women and the men. "Hey, did I tell you that Karev told me you didn't sleep together?"

"No, but I kind of assumed when you asked me out to dinner in the on-call room. That," and she loved telling this part, "and I kind of reamed him out that morning and told him that he needed to talk to you and fix it."

"Did you find Karev before you came over here?"

"No, why?"

Stark smiled and laughed. "I decked him."

"You did what?"

He nodded proudly and repeated like a giddy teenager, "I decked him. And before he could even say anything else, I decked him again. It felt _really _good."

"Did it?" She smiled when he nodded. "And Alex isn't going to sue you, is he?"

"No. He knows he deserved it. He might glare at me for a week or two, but he'll get over it. A punch he deserved isn't going to bruise his ego too badly."

"Did it heal your bruised ego?"

"No," he answered calmly. He hit his chest. "It healed right here."

April smiled before she gave him a soft stare - one that was neither happy nor angry, perhaps even a little sad. "That really hurt you, didn't it? Thinking that I had slept with Alex after we...parted ways."

"It did. I love you, April. And when you hear about someone you love sleeping with someone else so quickly - when you that person isn't over you yet and you aren't over them - it hurts like hell. How did you feel when you thought Lauren had come home with me and spent the night?"

"Devastated."

"It's devastating, especially when there's love involved."

April inspected him closer and scowled after a moment. "It wasn't just me, was it? There were other women who did that to you? Who slept with other men while you two were still together?"

"Lauren had about three affairs while we were married," he admitted after a moment. "I didn't find out about all of them until we were divorced, but I first found out she was having an affair when she was on her second one. Because I didn't know about the first one, I was kind of...more willing to forgive her. I more so saw it as a lapse in judgment and I was willing to forgive her and take her back after she promised it wouldn't happen again and that she'd be willing to work on our marriage."

"And then she had her third affair?"

"And then she had her third affair. And...That hurt me, a lot. You know, Lauren, she was the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and she went and destroyed everything that we were. It hurt."

"Did it..." She stopped for a moment as she began to gently caress his hand in her own. "Did it hurt all the more when you thought I had done the same thing?"

"Worse." He sighed and stared at their joined hands so he didn't have to see the guilt in her eyes. "But...That's all over with now. We're...We're back to normal, I'd hope."

Wordlessly, she moved so she was straddling him, her hands holding onto his shoulders, his arms around her so she wouldn't completely fall off if she leaned backward. With a smile, she leaned down to kiss him, confused slightly by his lack of response until she realized he had no intention of anything going any farther than a kiss tonight; even the temptation would be enough to set him off and make him reach for him, especially in his fragile state. After a few moments of nothing except showing that he would kiss her back but remain halted, she pulled away and sighed heavily. "You know, this is really discouraging."

"That's kinda the point."

"You know, kissing does not necessarily lead to sex." She had thought that was the case back with her episode with Alex, but Robert had proved that idea false on countless occasions between them. "And just because I kiss you doesn't mean we're going to have sex tonight."

"I know."

"So...Then what's the problem?"

"I told you. I'm not in the best place right now and if we do anything that closely resembles sex - like we almost did the last time you were over here - I won't be able to help myself. I will want to have sex with you tonight - more than I ever have before - because I am not a good place right now and sex helps pull me out of that. Sex helps put me in a better place than what I was in before it. And I don't want to get to the point where it's basically yes or no and then have you tell me that you aren't ready."

April scowled instantly; this was all feeling too familiar to her. "So, what? You'd freak out on me?"

"No, never. If we got to that point and you said no I'd respect that and back away and that would be the end of it."

"But you'd be mad?"

"Not at you. I'd be more frustrated with myself because I let myself get that far and I wouldn't have seen that you were uncomfortable until you said something. But I would never be mad at you for that."

"So then what? You're just trying to stop what might happen?"

"April-"

She scoffed and shook her head, mildly disgusted. "You know what, I-"

"Stop." He kept her from moving away. "I just want to tell you this now, all right? I just...The last thing that I want to do is hurt you. I would never forgive myself if we got that close and you said no and I got frustrated. I just don't want that to happen."

"Your lack of faith in yourself isn't helping create faith in you from me, you know that right?"

"I'm sorry, April. I just...I don't want there to be any surprises."

"Did I ever tell you, what really happened with Alex?"

"No, you didn't."

"It was actually the same day that you started to work there - at least the same day that you worked with him. Remember, that time when he came in with a hangover?" She saw the time register in his mind before she continued. "And he had just come home from visiting his mother where his brother tried to kill his sister and his brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He was...at a rough place in his life and that evening when we almost had sex, he asked me if I was sure that I wanted to do it. And I said yes and things escalated and when I asked him to slow down - my first time and all - he freaked out on me and said that he didn't have time to hold my hand and walk me through it, that he was sick of having to hold everyone's hand. And he left, and I...I was very shaken up by the entire encounter."

He looked at her, scowling slightly when she refused to look at him. Gently, he used his hand to tilt her chin toward him. "April, look at me."

She met his eyes and sighed. "To hear you say that, I..."

"Can't help but think that I'm just like Alex Karev - or worse because I can recognize it before it happens?"

"Yes."

"I am not Alex Karev."

"No, but the situation you're describing to me about what's going to happen sounds pretty similar to the one that already happened, doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does."

"So," she tilted her head slightly, her voice quiet in her own fear, "how does that make you any different than Alex Karev?"

"If you and I right now were to walk into that bedroom - with the intention of having sex - and that didn't happen, I'd be pretty upset. And I wouldn't be upset because you weren't ready; I wouldn't be mad at you. I'd be frustrated that I couldn't make love to you and prove to you exactly how much you mean to me, especially after our relationship being a roller-coaster the past couple of days. I would be a little frustrated that we wouldn't have sex." He stopped her from getting off and running away from him. "But, that's a natural reaction to from all men."

"What?"

"When men don't have sex - especially when they're expecting it - and they get disappointed. It's like a natural reflex."

"So...What you're telling me I just need to get used to it?"

"No. But there are guys out there like Alex Karev - who will take their problems out on you, who will have a bad day and use you as their punching bag when they've hit their wits end. And then there are people like me - who know they've reached wits end and the only thing that makes the situation worse is not your refusal to have but making you feel upset and guilty about not having sex. The difference between me and Alex Karev? I would _never _use you as a punching bag. I would never freak out on you because I was having a bad day and you rejected me."

"So then why did you tell me all that? That you don't want things to go farther because there's a possibility that I might say no and you might use yourself as a punching bag?"

"Because I've never been here before," he told her. "I mean, I've hit my rock bottoms. When I lose that kid the first time...That shook me. But I didn't turn to sex that time. I turned to liquor. When everything happened with Lauren, I didn't have a shoulder to cry on. Now - after JJ's death - I have you. And you're here for me and that's something that I haven't gone through before. So I don't know how I'm going to react - I can only tell you the possibilities and what I can promise."

"How come the possibilities and promises are polar opposites of one another?"

"Because I'm just a man. The possibilities are there to show you me at worst - and work like hell so that never happens - and the promises are me at my best."

She smiled. "Luckily for you, your promises mean a lot more to me than what might happen."

"So you don't hate me?"

April shook her head and ran a hand through his hair loosely. "I don't hate you for being honest with me. That's all you've ever asked of me, anyway. It's only fair that you do the same. Besides, I wouldn't want you to do something that you're uncomfortable with. And...I appreciate your honesty."

Before he had the chance to kiss her, she had pulled away from him completely and was now standing. A soft - yet nervous - smile on her face, she extended both her hands to him and pulled him to his feet. Taking one, she led him toward the bedroom. Once inside, she smiled at his confused - perhaps slightly nervous - stare. "Lay down, Robert."

He looked from her to the bed and back again. "What?"

"Lay down." When he only gave her a scowl, she repeated her order. Smiling, April watched as he moved - slightly uncomfortable himself - and laid down on the bed on his back. As he got himself settled, she turned and closed the door gently, turning back to see his confused stare. April knew he was watching her closely, waiting to see her next move; she was waiting for the exact same thing, apparently. April wasn't even sure herself entirely what she was doing but she knew with each second her heart began to pound faster and the nervous knot in her stomach was growing.

Stark turned his body to lay on his side when she crawled on top of the comforter beside him, laying down on her back. "April, what are you doing?"

She rolled on her back so they were facing one another. Looking at him gave her some courage. "You are in a bad place right now. And I might not know a hell of a whole lot about intimacy, but I know about loss. And I know that when someone that you care about is in a bad place, it's your job to be there for them no matter what. It's not my job to make you feel worried or nervous about taking care of me on top of taking care of you."

"April, I'm not-"

"You are. And that's okay, Robert. That really is okay. You're in a bad place right now, so...You're right. By me even attempting to be intimate, I am making things worse for you. I'm making this whole recovery process difficult for you, and that's not what good girlfriends do."

"So now what?"

"Now? We're going to lay here and not have sex."

"We're just going to lay here?"

"Yes?"

"And do what?"

"Talk. Stare at each other. Daydream off into space until we both fall asleep. I don't really care what we do, but we aren't going to have sex."

He scowled slightly. "Yet we're in a bed."

April shook her head and told him, "You are not going to worry about taking care of me tonight. I don't want you to worry about me or my needs. Right now it's about you and your needs."

"So we're not going to have sex?"

"Correct."

He sighed and nodded slowly before he changed the subject to something he knew she was dying to talk about. "JJ's funeral is in two days. They're going back to Massachusetts so they can bury him at home."

"Are you going to go?"

"I don't know."

"Well, if you do decide you want to go, you let me know. I'll buy the plane tickets." She smiled gently when his tired stare turned to surprise. "What? You didn't honestly think I'd let you go through that alone, did you?"

"You won't hate me if I don't go, will you?"

"Of course not, but I think you might end up hating yourself if you don't go."

He sighed again and shook his head. "You know, I remember this one time - it was a couple of months ago - I was talking to JJ on the phone and out of nowhere he asked me if I had some really sick kids that I was trying to save. When I told him that I did, he told me to get back to work and when I asked him why, he said because no one should ever be alone in they're sick. And that everyone should have someone to take care of them and love them like his parents did."

"Robert?"

"Hm?"

She gently touched his cheek when he looked at her with exhausted eyes. "You need to sleep."

"It's only nine-thirty."

"But it's been a rough day for you," she answered. "And I can tell that you need your rest before you start up again tomorrow."

"I can't sleep when you're staring at me."

April laughed softly and rolled over completely so she was on her other side, her back facing him. "Is that better?" She tensed slightly when he moved toward her slightly and wrapped his arm around her waist protectively - as if her touch and knowing she was keeping him grounded was all he had needed all along.

She knew by his sigh that despite his grief, in this moment he was at peace.


	23. A Good Man Under There

**A/N: This is my favorite chapter of this entire fanfiction. **

He had been somewhat surprised when he found that she was still sleeping beside him the next morning; for a few moments he thought he might have scared her away and she would have fled like she was running away from a one-night stand that she wanted to forget. However, she had stayed, and was staring at him gently when he woke up, like she didn't mind him sleeping in longer than she; it was a pleasant surprise, and he was glad she hadn't fled, that she had stayed here with him through the night.

His morning had only gotten better when she had allowed him to make her breakfast - pancakes, as she had requested - and they spent the morning talking about mindless things like sports and he had to explain to her how basketball and hockey can go on at the same time even if the two teams used the same stadium, which he didn't mind doing. April seemed genuinely interested in what he had to say and the knowledge that he was bestowing upon her - knowledge that she would undoubtably flaunt if the topic arose. Now, he was on his way to the hospital; she had told him - regretfully almost - that she wasn't working today and he would have to go on without her. He had only smiled gently and kissed her, telling her that the day would be unbearable and he would count the seconds until he could see her again.

She had offered to drop him off at the hospital on her way back home, and he had accepted, without much thought except that it was good to carpool and they were saving gas and he really didn't mind the extra time he got to spend with her - he felt like he was making up for lost time...like this sweet, small moments were just enough to fill the void that their short separation had caused. April had laughed and joked, smiling whenever a song came on the radio that she liked. And he hadn't been able to keep his eyes off her. Instead of watching the road - like he did normally when he was in the driving seat - he watched her, the passenger as she maneuvered them safely along the road. She was in the driver's seat, in complete control while he was simply her companion, and he wouldn't have it any other way. She had control while allowing him to guide her through the narrow streets until they were safely at their destination.

And that was all right with him.

Now, he had changed into his scrubs and his lab coat, and was making his rounds with Arizona who he was consulting with on a case. As they walked down the empty hallway, Arizona said with a smile, "Rumor milll says that Kepner dropped you off today. before she left to go home"

"She did," he answered, matter-of-fact, like it was the most natural thing in the world. He was so nonchalant, his body relaxed after the stress of the prior days.

"Well?"

Robert scowled and shrugged at her waiting face. "Well what?"

"Did you two...you know?"

He rolled his eyes. "Is that all you people do? Gossip?"

"I'm not going to broadcast it to the entire world over the intercom," Arizona answered, defensive. She wasn't like the residents, who needed to tell people just because she could. She could keep things a secret; she thought she had proven that to him in the past by not broadcasting how he had left her in his apartment wearing nothing but lingerie. _That _had been a hard secret to keep, too. "I just figured since you and I are friends - and I know about the two of you better than anyone else in this hospital - I think I've earned that right to ask that question."

"Well, for what it's worth, no. We didn't have sex last night."

"So then why did she drop you off?"

"Because she slept over at my place last night and it didn't make any sense to drive two vehicles when the hospital is on the way for her to get home," he answered. "And when it's all said and done with today, she's going to pick me up when my shift is done and we're going back to her place."

"But...You didn't have sex last night?"

"No we didn't."

"How the hell does that happen?"

Robert scowled again at her surprised face before he asked, "How the hell does what happen, Dr. Robbins?"

"How does she sleep over at your place without the two of you having sex?"

"You know," he shuffled his chart to his other arm as they rounded the corner, "I asked myself the exact same thing last night before I fell asleep and you know the answer I gave myself? I said, 'I don't give a shit. I don't care because it doesn't matter.' Because all that really mattered was that I got to hold her - really hold her - which is something i haven't been able to do in a long time. And that's all that mattered."

"I think you're a romantic at heart, Dr. Stark."

"Only when I love someone."

Arizona chuckled and shook her head at his dry humor; sometimes she could never tell if he was serious or joking, but she figured now he was serious. He didn't peg her as a romantic when his heart wasn't really in it. "Aw, you love her?"

Robert shook his head and smiled. "You're a little late to finding that one out, Dr. Robbins. You really should get with the program, you know."

Arizona only scowled and shook her head. "So...what happened when you both woke up? Was it awkward?"

"Is it awkward for you when you wake up in the morning next to the woman that you love?"

"No."

"Then how would it be awkward for me?"

"Because April doesn't love you back - and you didn't have sex - and...And it's kinda weird," Arizona told him, scowling at the thought and then feeling slightly guilty when he only stared at her with a dark scowl of his own. "And I'm probably taking away all the magic for you by saying all of these things, aren't I?"

"A little bit, yeah."

"I'm sorry."

He smiled and shook his head as they stopped in front of the preemie ward where all the premature babies were kept in their own separate care, under constant surveillance by nurses and other hospital staff because they were some of the patients who required the most care and - sometimes - had the least chance of survival. He stared at all of them through the glass and wondered how humans could be so small, yet someday make such a big impact on the world. It wasn't like he hadn't dealt with preemies before - he had - he just felt like this every time. Like he would stare at these tiny little babies and suddenly his entire job made sense and he understood why he had chosen pediatrics. He would stare at them and understand that he was saving them - he was saving the future - and it was his job to make sure they had a fighting chance in hell in life. It was his job, and staring at them, he remembered that. He remembered why he was here, why he had become a surgeon, why he was in such agonizing pain when one of his patients that he cared about died.

Because even though he was saving the future generation, he was killing them as well with every fatality. But staring at these babies - at the babies whose only shot was him and Arizona Robbins - suddenly his entire job made sense. His purpose at this hospital made sense; and he was wiling to fight for it now, to preserve the future generation and ensure that they all had a chance to reach their greatest potential.

That was his job, and it gave him the strength to move forward and pick up another scalpel in the wake of JJ's death.

Arizona seemed to notice this entire change in his demeanor and asked with a smile, "Feels good, doesn't it? Staring at them?"

"It does. It's...refreshing yet sad at the same time."

"Refreshing yet sad?"

Robert nodded, unable to take his eyes off the many babies before him. "Yeah. Refreshing because they have so much life and potential yet sad because some of them won't make it and won't be able to realize their full potential. There's so much life...and so much death, too."

"Life of pediatrics."

He nodded again and answered softly, barely audible even to him, "Yeah. Do you know-"

"You and I both know, Dr. Stark, that we only get close to these little babies when they're in need or surgery or need to be checked up on. Otherwise it's neonatal's job to take care of the little ones."

He only nodded.

When Arizona turned to him to suggest that continue walking, she was surprised to find that he was gone. Scowling, she turned and smiled slightly when she saw that he was in the neonatal intensive care unit, talking with the nurse quietly but hurriedly. Moments later, she couldn't bare any more of her curiosity and found herself in the neonatal care unit herself, standing beside the nurse as they both watched him stare at all the babies. "Dr. Stark, what are you doing?"

He turned around from the field of babies to look at the nurse who was staring at him, choosing to ignore Arizona's question. "Do...Do all of these babies have parents?"

"Most of them."

"And the ones that don't? What happens?"

"They just don't have people coming in that often to visit," the nurse answered. "We actually have one - poor thing - she's dying and her parents both died in a car accident. She's in the incubator right beside you, Dr. Stark."

He turned and stared down at her; she was so small and frail, and he could see by the yellowness of her skin that her liver was failing and there was no chance of survival. His hands were around the incubator like he was touching gold and couldn't believe it; for a moment, he thought his breath would catch as he stared at her. She was so tiny, so beautiful, that he had to stop his tears of wonder. Finally, he looked up at Arizona and the nurse, who were both watching him curiously like he was crazy. "So...She's an orphan?"

"Yes, sir."

"And she's dying?"

"Yes, sir."

He looked back down at her, at her little eyes that opened slightly to stare up at him. He felt his breath catch and he could only stare at her in wonder. Despite her skin color - despite the fact that she was dying slowly, alone - he found her the most beautiful child he had ever seen. He couldn't take his eyes off her for long, just wanting to stare at her, at the future he couldn't save but couldn't help loving. "She's so tiny."

"They're preemies, Dr. Stark," Arizona reminded him with a soft smile. "They're going to be small."

"I know, but she's so..." He couldn't find the words. "She's so small and frail."

Arizona smiled at the wonder in his voice - like he loved this little girl just by looking at her. She wondered if this was how he would react were this child his. Smiling still, she pulled on a gown and walked over to him, standing beside him without touching him. "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

He nodded slowly. "She is. How...How much longer does she have?"

"It's only a matter of time," the nurse answered. "We don't think she'll make it past noon."

"And she doesn't have anyone?" He looked up at her for a moment, surprised and perhaps a little hurt by the thought.

"No, sir," the nurse told him again. The wonder in his voice - the love - stopped her from being agitated that she had to repeated herself. She hadn't heard that tone from many man - not even some of the happiest fathers - because this was a man who seemed to be staring at life for the first time again, and was reveling in the magic of it. Like he was a man who had lost his way and suddenly found it again, staring at this dying baby - and that was something she had never seen before.

"Has...Has she been held before?"

"She hasn't been ready to be held yet. With her condition, she hasn't been able to come out of the incubator yet."

"But she's going to die?"

"Yes."

He stared down at the incubator, at the little girl who couldn't take her eyes off him. "She...She deserves to be held once in her lifetime."

"Dr. Stark-"

"If she's dying anyway-"

"Dr. Stark," Arizona cut him off this time, her eyes stern even though she understood perfectly what he was saying and why it meant so much to him. "If she hasn't been able to come out of that incubator yet then if we take her out, she's going to die."

"She's dying anyway."

"It's unethical."

"It's unethical just to leave her in here to die without someone holding - _loving_ - her! No one has loved her yet! You can't let someone die unloved! _That's _unethical!" He looked at Arizona and then at the nurse, his eyes pained. "She deserves to know that someone loves her enough to hold her during her lifetime. She deserves to have someone love her, to be a parent to her - even if it is just for a short time. She deserves that, doesn't she?"

"She does, but-"

"Can't I just hold her or one second? Just one second and then she can go right back in?"

"You're a doctor," the nurse told him. "You have to understand the complications."

"It's not like I have a potential for raging infections. I'm not going to infect her with some disease. I..." He looked down at the baby again. "This baby deserves to be held. She deserves that. She..." He trailed off, wanting to touch her more than anything else right now, to have her feel the contact of another human hand - the warmth of someone who loved her. Because he loved this little girl, after only knowing her for a few minutes.

"If you want," the nurse offered, seeing the pain and plea in his voice, "we can get you a chair and we can open the incubator so you can touch her. She can be touched."

"But not held?"

The nurse sighed. "Maybe later."

Robert looked at the nurse carefully, understandingly perfectly what she was trying to say. He wouldn't be able to hold this little girl until she was in her last moments of life, until it was too late and it didn't matter anymore what they did. He sighed heavily before he said, "I'd like to do that very much."

The nurse nodded and got him a chair, setting it down beside him so he could sit. "Dr. Robbins, would you like a chair?"

"No. I'm good." She was supposed to head downstairs to meet Callie and Sophia, but she couldn't find the will to move away from Stark and this little baby, this surreal scene that touched and warmed her heart to a depth she didn't even know existed. "I'm just...going to stand here for a few more seconds."

Robert waited patiently as the nurse slowly opened the side of the incubator. Slowly, he reached his hand into the incubator and covered her small body with it; his entire hand was bigger than her entire body, but he glad that he was able to cover her little stomach and legs. He used his other hand - and with two fingers - touched the top of her head, careful of all the wires. Her little body was covered in the warmth of his hand, and he felt his heart skip a beat. She - for now - would feel the warm touch of a loving hand, and that made him smile. He couldn't stop his beam, his soft chuckle, which was soon followed by his attempt to stop his tears - a mixture of joy and sadness because he had never felt something so beautiful and sad before. The nurse understood what was happening and walked away, leaving him to his privacy.

Arizona only stared at him - at this man of steel who was slowly becoming a puddle - and she couldn't tell if they were tears of joy or sorrow, because this child was dying or because he could prove to her - in her final moments - that she was loved. She decided, finally, that it was joy because he was giving her what everyone needed in life to survive: a loving touch, a rock of support that wouldn't go away no matter the circumstances. Arizona herself couldn't stop a few tears. Stark, however, wasn't trying to stop them. He let them roll down his cheeks freely, unable to take his eyes off the little girl to even wipe the tears on his sleeve.

He stared at her like she was the most precious jewel in the world - like a father would stare at his daughter.

"Robert?"

He didn't look up. His voice cracked, he asked, "What?"

"I have to go downstairs to meet Callie and Sophia. I...Will you be all right here while I'm gone?"

"I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

Robert smiled and nodded again, his two fingers gentle as they caressed the top of the baby's head lovingly. "I'll be okay now, knowing that...that someone got the chance to touch her. That she knows that someone's here and that...That she wasn't alone."

"I'm sorry?"

He looked up at her finally. "No sick child deserves to be alone."

Arizona smiled at that. "Do you want me to see to it that there's someone here by her side throughout the entire day when you can't be here?"

"Yeah. Do that."

"Okay. And do you want them to page you if anything happens to her or..." Arizona looked back to the nurse, who nodded her silent approval, "Or if they think she's close so you can come back to hold her before she dies?"

"Yeah. Do that."

Robert wasn't paying attention to her, but the baby. Even as she left the neonatal intensive care unit, he was still staring at the little girl. She stopped - for a moment - to stare at him through the glass. As soon as she had left, the incubator case had been put back on. Robert's hands were on the incubator now - as close as he could get to her - and his head was resting gently against the case. He wasn't moving, just staring, and she couldn't help but smile.

He was being the father that little girl never had the opportunity to have.

* * *

><p>Hours passed - and after a meetings and a couple consultations with other doctors - Robert felt his pager go off. He fished it out of his pocket and looked at immediately, seeing that it was from the nurse of the neonatal ward. As soon as he had seen the page, he moved as quickly as he could. Within minutes he was back in the ward, a gown on. He gave the nurse a soft nod, who looked grave in the moment of the baby's death.<p>

"Dr. Stark?"

He slipped the other sleeve on. "Yes?"

"The baby doesn't have a name."

Robert looked at her - his eyes glued on the little girl - as they moved toward the incubator. He touched the incubator softly before he watched the nurse work. She was doing worse, her skin a darker tint of yellow, and he knew she only had minutes to live. "I think we should give her a name."

"Any ideas?"

He thought for a moment. "How about Celeste?"

The nurse looked at him. "Celeste?"

He nodded. "It means heavenly."

"I know what it means Dr. Stark," the nurse told him with a smile and a shake of her head. "I think it's fitting."

"Celeste it is, then." Robert watched as she removed the incubator and slowly began to disconnect the chords. He looked up for a moment to see that Arizona was standing on the other side of the glass before she was on her way in, wearing a gown of her own. He smiled when she took her place by his side. "You made it."

"I wouldn't miss this."

He nodded in gratitude before he turned back to the little baby - Celeste, now. "Her name is Celeste."

"Did you come up with that?"

"Yes," he answered. "I think it suits her perfectly...Because that's where she's going and that's what she looks like and is. She's a little angel."

"Celeste is a fantastic name."

Soon, she was unhooked and Robert looked up at the nurse hopefully. "May I?"

The nurse nodded. "She's all yours, Dr. Stark. Just be careful and remember that you have to support her neck - especially at her age and the fact that she's so premature."

Soon he was holding her; he could have held her in one of his hands easily. Instead, he cradled her in his arms - like a baby was supposed to be held - and cradled her gently against his body. Her small - probably barely developed - eyes were staring at him, understanding where he was through the darkness by his touch. He let his mouth fall agape and soon he wasn't even bothering fighting back the tears. She was so beautiful and small, and he was holding her. She was getting to be held before she died by a loving hand, not just a nurse who was robotically changing her.

She was held.

She was loved.

She was his.

She was no longer alone, and she would never be alone again.

Moments later, he was forced to put her back in the incubator, reluctantly; he felt like he was losing a piece of himself, like part of his soul was dying at the action of letting her go. Finally, he wiped his tears and looked up at the nurse, who was crying herself and smiling down at him. "Thank you."

"No." She shook her head and smiled at him genuinely. "Thank you."

He wouldn't know it until later, but April was on the other side of the glass - wearing normal clothes, watching the entire exchange. Something had pulled her toward him. Her heart screamed to her that something was happening to him, that he needed her, and she had come to the hospital. As soon as she had arrived, Arizona had ushered her up here and now she stood, separated from him physically by glass but completely in his heart. She watched, as minutes after he held her, Celeste flatlined and the nurse didn't attempt to resuscitate her because there was no use and another baby was coding at the same time - one that could be saved.

Celeste died moments later, Robert's hands gently covering her body, his hand over her heart. April knew as she watched him fight back tears that she had been right all along.

There was a good man under there.

And she wished that she had seen it sooner.

He wasn't just a good man, but a man she loved.


	24. I'm Ready

As April walked from the hospital, jimming for her keys in her purse, she stopped suddenly. Robert's car was still sitting in the parking lot. She thought he had left after his shift was over, but there was his car, uninhabited in the filled parking lot. She wasn't surprised to find that his car was still there; what surprised the most, however, was that he was not sitting in it like he couldn't bear to drive away. Scowling, she walked back into the hospital, setting out to find him. April found him, a few minutes later, in his office. She scowled and shut the door gently behind her. "Hey."

He looked up from the charts. "Oh. Hey."

"What are you doing?"

"Just...uh, I'm looking at this chart. I've got this little girl who has a tear in her esophagus. Her surgery is tomorrow and I just wanted to take a final look at everything before I left."

"Does Dr. Webber know you're doing this?"

"He won't unless someone tells him," he told her, looking at her carefully. His stare remained blank even as she smiled. "You aren't going to be that person, are you?"

"That would make me a backstabbing bitch, wouldn't it?"

"Well for one thing, you aren't a bitch. And for another, I really liked your alliteration there." He smiled when she chuckled and - probably - rolled her eyes. "April, what are you still doing here? Why aren't you on your way home?"

"Because I saw your car in the parking lot."

"And what...?" He turned his chair to face her. "You wanted to come back to see where I was?"

"I thought..." She sighed heavily. "I thought maybe the little baby-"

"Celeste," he cut her off. "Her name was Celeste."

"Celeste," April corrected herself. "I thought maybe her death rocked you a little harder than you thought and that maybe you needed to take a minute to compose yourself before you got out on the road."

"I know how to keep my emotions in check while I'm driving."

"Robert, I am not trying to attack you here."

"No? Then what are you doing?"

"I'm trying to make sure that you're okay," she told him, gently; his eyes softened at her statement and she pulled up a chair so she was sitting in front of him. Gently, she took both his hands in hers and waited until he looked at her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

April stopped him from pulling his hands away from her. "Hey."

Robert looked up at her, scowling slightly. After a moment and taking in her steady and comforting stare, he said, "I'm fine, April, really. It just...It was hard, that's all. But it was worth it, you know? She didn't have to die alone or unloved, and that's worth whatever it is that I'm feeling right now."

"Why don't you wrap this up and we'll go home."

"Home?"

"To my place - or yours. I'd actually prefer my place for tonight."

He nodded. "Yeah. It was probably weird for you, not being able to sleep in your own bed last night. I'm really sorry. If I had known that...I would have suggested we go to your place, and-"

"Don't apologize."

"You sure?"

She nodded. "I'm going to be doing the same thing to you tonight, anyway."

He chuckled. "Well, I suppose I deserve that. Do you want to pick up a movie on our way over there, or are we just going to find something there?"

"I was thinking we could do something different besides watching a movie tonight."

Robert scowled and thought for a moment. Their normal routine was to eat dinner, curl up on the couch and watch a movie - and if they didn't want to watch a movie, they could simply talk. Was she looking for something completely different? He was certain he could think of something. "Well, I suppose we could do something-"

"No, Robert." She chuckled and looked down at her hands.

"Then...What?"

April looked back up at him and smiled, not really sure how to vocalize what she wanting but knowing that she had to. "I...Um..."

He inspected her closely when she looked away from him again. "What?"

She finally looked back up at him with a smile, her confidence growing slightly by his gentle and patient - albeit slightly confused - eyes. "I'm ready."

"What?"

Smiling at his surprised face, she repeated, "I'm ready."

"For...?"

"Sex," she told him, chuckling. "I'm...I'm ready."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she answered, surprised at the confidence in her voice; it was natural, unforced, and she knew she really was ready. There wasn't any turning back anymore.

Robert leaned back in his chair and stared at her. He asked again, not quite sure if he had heard her right all along. "You're ready?"

"Yes," she answered with a chuckle again and smiled when he beamed at her. "I'm sure. So...You can finish up here and then we can go."

"Okay."

**A/N: So, this is it. No more maybes or will they/won't they. They will next chapter. My only dilemma is I want to know what you guys think, on whether you want me to keep it on the rated T side or write a more M rated version of it. If you want to PM me, that'd be great or even put your opinion in the review if you want. **


	25. Let's Make Love

**A/N: This chapter is rated M for a reason people. Don't read if you're uncomfortable with it or whatever (should you decide to skip it, you won't miss anything important really besides the act itself). Now, I want you all to bear with me. I haven't really written a smutty fic before, so this is my best shot at it. Be nice with your reviews. **

He looked at her from across the car every so often - because if he didn't keep his eyes on the road, they would probably end up in a car accident, and talk about a mood breaker. Instead, he would glance at her occasionally - just for a second - because, after all, he couldn't believe this was happening. This moment was finally here; certainly, she could turn back again. She could back out and feel uncomfortable and nervous - and that was fine with him; he wasn't going to pressure or force her into sex. He had proven that to her before. But staring at her now, at the look on her face that was slightly nervous, he knew she wasn't going to back away or back out tonight.

This really was it.

He couldn't believe it, how they had started and now how they were ending.

He couldn't stop smiling.

"I was thinking."

Suddenly, his optimism was shot; attempting to hide his apprehensive look, he swallowed and kept his gaze glued ont he road. "Thinking?"

"About tonight."

He never thought it was possible, but he actually thought that his heart was going to stop beating. Robert forced himself to swallow again in attempt to hide his shaky voice. "What about tonight?"

"I'm thinking we should go to your place instead."

He sighed in relief and didn't stop his smile. "What makes you want to do that?"

"Because I guarantee you as soon as walk into my room they're going to shout out rumors and...And I"m not sure yet if they're the kind of people who knock before they enter."

"And we wouldn't want that, now would we?"

"No. No that would be bad." She chuckled softly. "Privacy is definitely a perk of a one-bedroom apart. That, and you were right. No one can walk in on us."

Robert laughed and took his right hand off the steering wheel so he could hold hers; he gave it a gentle squeeze as he told her, "My place is fine. You...You don't have to work tomorrow, do you?"

"No. Do you?"

"No," he answered, smiling. They could take their time. They wouldn't do anything until she was ready both before and after they entered the bedroom.

"Do you..."

He glanced at her and squeezed her hand again when she stopped to stare out the window, apparently attempting to find lost courage. "Do I what?"

"Do you have condoms?"

He laughed again before he shook his head at her frustrated stare. "No, no. I"m not laughing at you."

"Then what's so funny?"

"Rule number one about sex: always use a condom," he told her. "Unless you're married and trying or on the pill. But always use a condom."

"I still don't see how that's funny."

"Always have condoms because you never know when you're going to need them," he told her, smiling. "I didn't expect you to walk into my office today and tell me that you were ready to have sex. But I'm prepared because I do have condoms."

"So have them even if I don't need them?"

"Exactly. So...Don't worry about condoms when we're at my place. I've got that covered."

"Good."

"And you?" He glanced at her and, seeing her surprised face, clarified, "Protection. Are you on the pill?"

"Oh, yeah," April answered after a moment. "Yeah. I've been taking that for a while for...other reasons."

"No explanation necessary."

She smiled. "So is that pretty much it on the protection side? Always use a condom?"

"That, and know the sexual history of your partner."

She stared at him for a moment, scowling. "Well, how many-"

Robert glanced at her when she stopped and snapped her mouth shut, staring out the window again. He would have laughed, but didn't want her to think that he was making fun of her. Instead he asked, "How many sexual partners have I had?"

"Yes."

"A few."

"Oh."

He smiled and shook his head when he thought she was going to try to pull her hand away from him. "But not a lot, April. At least, not with a lot of different women. I've _never _had unprotected sex or had an STD. I'm careful."

"Oh."

He noted the shift, how her voice was perkier when she knew she had nothing to fear about the after effects. "So you have nothing to be worried about."

"Okay. Good."

"There's another rule to sex that you should know before we get to my place, April."

"Oh?"

He nodded. "And that is that sex and porn are not the same thing."

"No?"

"No."

"Oh, thank God."

He laughed again. "There are a lot of...misconceptions by people who haven't had sex - and even by some people who have had it - that sex and porn the same thing. They're not. Porn is acting. What you and I are going to be doing tonight that's not acting. That's..."

"Love?"

Robert smiled brightly. "That's exactly what it is."

She met his smile with her own. "Any more rules I should be aware of before we get to your apartment?"

"Tonight is not about me, April. It's about _you_, okay? Your needs and comfort and pleasure and nothing else."

"But-"

"I'll be fine," he told her, smiling. "Don't worry. It'll be great for me no matter what. And you know why that is?"

"Because it's sex?"

"No. Because I love you."

April smiled. "So...Tonight really is about me, isn't it?"

He nodded. "I wouldn't lie to you like that. Besides, that's called being a polite and respectable lover, not a selfish one. You're allowed to be as selfish as you want."

"Good to know. Anything else?"

"There will be a lot of foreplay." He paused. "Because sex is an extension of foreplay and you need to be relaxed and ready before we actually have sex."

"I was kind of hoping that was a given."

"Just wanted to make sure you knew. Oh," he squeezed her hand as if this was the most important one to remember, "you need to speak up. If I"m doing something you like, speak up. If I'm not, definitely speak up. This might not be my first time, but not all women are the same. And I don't want to be guessing the entire time."

"I think I can do that."

"Good." He smiled at her one final time, the breath catching in his chest in anticipation as he pulled into his parking space to his apartment. "You ready?"

"I am."

* * *

><p>"You know," she laughed gently, "for someone who didn't know we were going to have sex tonight, you are awfully prepared."<p>

He laughed and shrugged. "I figure it's better to be prepared and not need any of these things than need them and not be prepared, first time and all."

"Massage oil?" She picked the bottle up from his nightstand.

"Water-based," he offered.

"Am I getting a massage tonight?"

"I was planning on it, but if you don't want to, that's all right."

She looked down at the massage bottle. "I...How is that supposed to help?"

"It's relaxing," he answered simply, taking the bottle from her gently and watched her stare down at the bed, pleased with the slight twinkle in her eyes. "And can be very sensual if done right."

"I see."

Her hesitance stopped him from pushing the topic. "If you're uncomfortable with it-"

"I'm not," she answered and then smiled. "At least, I don't think so. I've never gotten a massage before."

"Never?"

"Never."

He smiled and kissed her head gently, thankful that she was a only a couple inches shorter than he. "Well, do you want to try it?"

"I have to take my shirt off, don't I?"

"And your bra."

She sighed and looked down at her clothes like she wasn't sure what to do; sooner or later, she knew, she would end up losing all her clothes, she just hadn't expected to lose her top to a massage.

"You seem disappointed in that."

"Oh, no, it's not that," she told him quickly, seeing a hint of...something...in his eyes. "I just...I didn't expect that..."

He sat down on the bed, putting his hands on her hips when she stood before him and put her hands on his shoulders. Robert looked up at her. "Didn't expect what?"

"It'd be just me taking off my clothes."

"Ah." He smiled and slowly moved his hands up her sides until he had reached the top of her blouse. His hands at her top button, he stopped to look at her. His eyes didn't leave hers as he undid all the buttons and helped her slide the fabric off. Now he stared at her, grinning, because her bra was lacy and black - nothing like he had expected. "You have a lot of racy attire, you know that?"

"Not really. I just bought this yesterday."

"Did you?"

"Yeah."

"I like it."

She smiled and tensed slightly when he gently ran his fingertips back down her sides again. "That's kind of the point."

After a few moments of silence, he stood up and kissed her, lingering only when he felt her relax against him; he smiled through their kisses when she wrapped her arms around his neck and moved against him. Robert pulled away for a moment - only to smile again when he saw that twinkle alive in her eyes. Gently, he bent his head and kissed her neck as he wrapped his hands around her and began to slowly unclasp her bra.

Attempt to unclasp her bra, anyway. He grew frustrated after a few moments, cursing the damned undergarment because - even after years of practice - he was so nervous that he couldn't quite seem to get it. He fumbled as if he was a teenager again, disbelieving that this was finally happening.

April heard him mutter a few expletives and she couldn't help but laugh. "Having some trouble there?"

He laughed triumphantly, however, and ignored her question when he finally unclasped it and slowly slid the straps down her delicate shoulders and arms.

God, she was beautiful. He could tell by the blush in her cheeks and the way she looked away from him that she didn't even know it, either. He wanted to prove to her so badly how beautiful he thought she was, but fought the urge and instead tilted her chin toward him so she was looking at him. "April?"

"Yeah?" She was quiet, as if her breath had caught in her throat.

"Are you cold?" He smiled when she laughed, the exact response that he wanted; she was more comfortable now, he could tell. The blush was gone and now she stared at him, her eyes open in anticipation. "Why don't you lay down?"

She stared at the bed; he had removed the comforter as soon as they had entered in the room. "Lay down?"

"On your stomach, yes." He laughed when she only stared at him. "Just lay down. I promise nothing's going to happen."

She only eyed him carefully as she laid down; her eyes didn't leave him even as he walked to the front of his room and slowly dimmed the light switch so they were only covered by a small beam of light. Scowling slightly, she propped herself on her elbows and watched as he walked over to a stereo, turning on soft music that was calming to her ears. After a moment - and a nervous pang - she asked, "You really prepared for this, didn't you?"

He scoffed. "Please. I have this stuff on hand on a daily basis."

"Honey?"

"Yeah?" He was standing behind her now, gentle as he straddled her and hovered above her, his hands on the small of her back.

"I don't think tonight is the best time for sarcasm."

He only responded by leaning down and kissing her shoulder blade. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

Minutes later he had her completely relaxed; at first she had been tense, especially when he was working out the kinks in her shoulders from the stress of the week, but eventually she had relaxed. Now she was a puddle beneath him, moaning every so often. For a few seconds he thought she had fallen asleep; he stopped kneading her back and stared down at her.

She only moaned slightly. "Robert?"

He smiled. "I'm sorry. I thought you were asleep."

"Just relaxed."

"That's the point." He began to gently continue his massage before he leaned down and kissed the back of neck. After deciding carefully, he trailed soft, warm kisses starting at her neck until he reached the small of her back. Hearing her breath catch made him smile as his hands replaced his mouth and the massage started once more.

"Robert?"

"Hm?"

"I'm going to turn over now."

"Are you uncomfortable?"

"No," she answered with a soft chuckle. "I just want to kiss you, is all."

"Oh." He smiled slightly and moved so she could roll over on her back. He took a moment to inspect her and smiled.

"What?"

"Do you know how beautiful you are?"

"Only when you tell me."

He smiled gently and bent down to kiss her softly, attempting to control himself. He thought for a moment that he wouldn't be able to control himself at all once he felt her beneath him, her breasts soft against his chest as he kissed her, like he was saying to her that he had waited for this moment forever and couldn't believe it was finally happening. He pulled away, finally, and stared at her flushed face. "You really are beautiful."

"You said that already."

"Oh. Did I?"

"Yeah. After you removed my bra."

He scowled. "I said that out loud?"

She nodded. "Oh, yeah. What? You thought that blush on my face was just for nothing?"

Robert laughed and shook his head. "I thought it was because your bra was off, but...Jesus, I hadn't realized I said that out loud."

"I didn't mind it."

"I'm sure you didn't," he whispered softly and kissed her again. He could do this the rest of his life and die content. After a few moments of simply kissing her, gentle and sweet with a hint of passion, he moved toward her neck and smiled when she tensed as soon as he hit the spot beneath her ear. He chuckled softly and continued this sweet torture of simple intimacy when she buried her hands in his hair, instinctively.

"Wait." She almost smiled when he stopped immediately and pulled away. She half expected him to say something, but when he only stared at her, his eyes gentle, patient, and understanding, all she wanted to do was cry softly because this -even though they had done nothing yet - was already more than she had ever dreamed of; definitely better than anything Alex Karev could have given her in the on-call room because this man loved her. She wasn't a lay, but a woman he loved and cared for, and that made all the difference. That made her trust him enough to give herself to him, completely, and for the first time in her life not be worried that he wouldn't treat her without care, that he wouldn't hurt her. April was certain he would never intentionally hurt her and tonight he would show her exactly how gentle he could be. Tonight he would show her how much he loved her.

"Hey," his tone was soft, an attempt to reach out and soothe whatever nerve he had hit.

April looked at him; he looked afraid, perhaps a little nervous himself. She wanted to laugh, but instead smiled. Gently, she tugged at the hem of his fleece. "Take this off."

He looked down at his fleece. "Take it off?"

She nodded. "Yes."

With a shrug, he leaned back on his heels and removed the fleece - so afraid that if he hadn't leaned back he might have accidentally hit her. Without much thought, he threw it aside and smiled when she only stared at him. "You want my shirt gone, too?"

"Only if you want." She smirked when he gave her a soft glare. "Doesn't put you in a good place when you call all the shots, does it?"

"Kind of."

After a moment and a relaxed, content sigh, April sat up slightly, grabbing his shirt and pulling him back down on top her. She loved the feel of the soft fabric and almost wanted to laugh about it. It was just a t-shirt, but it was _his _t-shirt, an article of clothing that acted as a small shield - that protected his skin from the damage of the outside world. It was a shirt that would soon be removed - regardless of this little game they played - and soon she would touch his skin and he would open himself up to her, having nothing to shield his heart from her. Tenderly, she ran her fingers across his cheek until her hand intertwined itself in his hair, his eyes steady on hers, as if waiting for her to make a move. April realized now was her time to make her move - so they could both move forward, uninhibited.

"Robert?"

"What?"

"I love you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He smiled. "You know, I knew you loved me. I knew from the minute you entered my office that you loved me because...Because for you to be with me tonight, you wouldn't give that up if you didn't love me. And, you know what? I love you, too. More than you could ever know."

April wasn't sure where the confidence had come from, but she kissed him with more passion than she knew she was capable of. This wasn't anything like it had been with Alex Karev, where he had taken the lead and laid her down on a cot, freaking out when she told him to take it slow. April knew she had nothing to fear with Robert, nothing at all because he had simply stared at her, waiting for her to make a move. He was a man who loved her, completely, and it finally hit her how much she loved him. It robbed her of her breath, the way he at first reacted slowly but then met her kisses by crushing her mouth against his. For a moment she thought she wasn't breathing at all, but floating out of her body, staring down at them and wondering how the hell she had gotten so lucky to find a man who loved her so completely and honestly.

And she loved him so much, wanted him so much at this moment, that she tugged at his shirt impatiently, wanting it off so she could see that she affected him equally, if not more. It became almost unbearable - especially with how he kissed her like separating would hurt his soul - and it finally reached the point where she couldn't take it anymore. She had enough and removed his shirt herself, chuckling when he threw it aside. April threw her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply, thankful finally that their skin finally touched.

She wanted to drown in him, in the way he nibbled at her ear or how he caressed her breasts; the sweet torture was almost unbearable. It was thoughtful, how he was taking his time, but she couldn't take it anymore. Like that, she wanted him to lose control, just for a moment. Deciding to test the waters, she wrapped her arms around his neck; every so often he would hit the spot right below her ear that sent chills down her spine, and she would react by - gently - running her manicured nails up his back, feeling him tense as shivers surrounded him, too.

They were playing with fire - teasing each other - so much that he couldn't take it much longer. It was instinctive, really, the way he rocked his hips against her; for a moment he thought he might have overstepped a boundary but when she moaned softly and mirrored his action, he smiled and captured her mouth again. He loved the taste of her, the smell of her perfume and shampoo intoxicated him further, slowly driving him insane.

He couldn't take any more of this.

Robert kissed her one more time before he trailed kisses down to her navel and back up again, settling on her right breast, finally. He glanced up at her slightly, watching her reaction as he sucked her nipple gently. He heard her sigh softly and decided - after a few moments of nervous debate internally - that if she was uncomfortable or didn't like what he was doing, she would say something. He kept telling himself that, but God, her first time and all...He didn't want to leave anything to chance. Surging up gently, he propped himself up on his hands so all his weight wasn't on top of her. Her face was flushed slightly, her breathing steadily turning hollow. "April-"

"Why'd you stop?"

He smiled. "What?"

"Why did you stop?" She repeated, not agitated, but breathless.

"I wasn't sure if you-"

"I told you," she kissed him powerfully, "that I would tell you if you were doing something that I didn't like, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then please don't stop because that...I liked that." The longing feeling went away as he returned to her breasts again. The need to touch him grew stronger so she buried her hands in his hair again. After a few moments of gently massaging his scalp - because she didn't want her hands just sitting there - she felt him sigh against her, his warm breath sending shivers down her spine - or was that because he had switched breasts and was silently making her yearn for more? She wasn't sure, and frankly, she didn't care; April knew that she never wanted whatever it was he was doing to arouse her to end. She wanted - needed - more of this sweet bliss.

He stared up at her the minute she urged him lower, her hips rising to meet his. She gave him nothing to guess that she was second guessing her decision. Smiling gently, he held her hips down gently as he placed wet, open-mouthed kisses on her smooth stomach. Robert stopped himself from groaning when she continued to massage his scalp, gently, in response to his kisses. Were they not in bed - were this not her first time - he was certain he would have laughed; she, a virgin, sure seemed to know what zones to hit. He took a moment to collect himself when his fingers settle on the button of her jeans, staring up at her. Because her face was obscured from view, he surged upward and kissed her softly; her mouth was warm, wet, pleading. "Hey."

She sighed softly, content in anticipation, in the pace they were continuing at. "Yeah?"

"I'm going to take your jeans off now."

April laughed. "I know. You think I didn't figure that out when I pushed you lower?"

Robert smiled and kissed her again, eager and excited - as well as content because she was calling the shots. She might not realize it, but she was deciding their progression, and he wouldn't go any farther without her okay. He was excruciatingly gentle and slow as he unbuttoned her jeans and began to slide them off, smiling when she rose her hips so he could remove them easier. He watched her closely as he pulled them off completely and threw them into the slowly growing pile of clothes. Swallowing his nervousness, he removed her underwear as well so she was no fully naked before him. He couldn't help but smile at her - at the nervous yet satisfied look in her eyes. "You're beautiful."

"I know."

He laughed at her cocky tone and shook his head. Staring at her carefully, he asked, "I know you haven't gone all the way, but-"

"No."

He nodded slowly. "Want to give it a try?"

April only stared at him for a moment, unsure really what to expect before she managed to ask, "Will...Will you go slow?"

"Of course."

She sighed before nodded slowly.

Robert inspected her closely, feeling a bit of hesitance from her that didn't necessarily bother him except he thought for a moment that she was agreeing to this only because that's what she thought he wanted. "Are you sure?"

She nodded again, this time more confident than the last, and threw in a nod for good measure. "Yeah, I'm sure."

"Okay."

She knew by the way he spread her legs that he was attempting to be as gentle and slow as possible. He placed gentle kisses from her knee to the inside of her thigh, stopping for a moment to perform the action on the other leg. She was nervous, slightly, and her nerves only heightened when he stopped and simply breathed; she could feel his hot breath against her and nearly came off the bed when he kissed and licked her inner thighs.

He surprised her with his next move, which wasn't as gentle as the others; he grabbed her hips and lifted her up, allowing himself better access. April gasped softly as he began to explore her, teasing gently with his tongue, going slow like she had asked. She had thought nothing could be any better than this until he flicked her clit with his tongue; moaning softly, she prayed this would never end. His mouth was so warm, gentle, and experienced, that soon she was on the edge. He tortured her, blissfully, changing tempos every so often - she was sure just to infuriate her and keep her on edge - but God she didn't care. It was wonderful and amazing the way his tongue weaved through her folds.

Suddenly he stopped, pulling away from her. She wanted to grab his shoulders and bring him back to her, but was so surprised that she only stared at him. "What?"

Robert smiled at the whine in her voice - the silent plea - and shook his head. "April-"

"Please." She sighed heavily when he only stared at her; she was so close and he had pulled away from her. This was all torture, but suddenly it all made sense to her. He wanted her to come with him, to experience their first orgasm together. This was suddenly much more than just sex; this was making love, and it brought tears to her eyes. But she couldn't wait any longer. Impatient and eager, she moved and deftly unbuttoned his pants.

He caught her wrists and told her gently, "Lay back down."

April only stared at him, his eyes steady though filled with a desire she had never seen before. She complied and soon he was completely naked before her, grabbing the bottle of lubricant and a condom from his nightstand before he returned to her again. She closed her eyes and breathed in heavily - not out of fear but anticipation because this was finally here, and because of him and his tenderness, she wasn't afraid. When she opened her eyes again, he was hovering above her and gazing her down at her gently. April couldn't help but smile and blush slightly.

He kissed her before he asked, "You ready?"

She only nodded slowly.

"I'll go slow, I promise."

"I trust you."

"April, look at me." He waited to say anything until she was completely looking at him and he was certain she wouldn't turn away. "I've tried to make you as comfortable and relaxed as possible, you know foreplay and-"

"Lube?"

"Yeah. But..." He scowled slightly before he kissed her again. "This still is going to hurt a little bit, okay? And...And that's normal."

"I know." She smiled at him and kissed him gently, hoping it was enough to express exactly how much she trusted and loved him. "I'm ready, really."

Wordlessly, he adjusted himself so he was at her opening. He kissed her one final time before he slid himself inside her slowly, as gentle as he possibly could, careful not to bury himself inside her with one thrust. Her cry rocked him, making him think for a moment that he had irreparably hurt her. He knew, however, that the pain would soon subside to a dull ache; he waited for a brief second before he slid completely inside her, so surrounded by her warmth that he fought for breath.

Still, he didn't begin to move, giving her a chance to get used to him; he kissed her softly, repeatedly, and whispered sweet-nothings to her. He felt the need to tell her how much he loved her, how fantastic she felt, and how he was so thankful that this was finally happening. It took him a moment to realize that she was staring up at him, expectantly, before he whispered, "Are you all right?"

She nodded, the discomfort mild but strong enough so she recognized it; she hoped it would go away eventually. She silently thanked all her lucky stars that this was how it was happening and not a one-night stand in an on-call room. He had waited, made sure she was ready, and now he was inside her completely; despite the pain, it brought tears to her eyes. April kissed him as he began to move, slow and gentle like he had promised. She didn't want to let him go and found herself robbed of breath once more when he kissed her passionately, one hand buried in her tresses and the other caressing her breast gently.

The pleasure inside her grew with each powerful thrust; she could feel the pressure building as he made love to her. April was close to tears - not from pain, but from pleasure and how gentle he was with her, how much he loved her. She wasn't sure she could take any more of this buildup and thrust her hips against his, smirking when he moaned against her ear. Her nails dug into his shoulders when his pace quickened. She wrapped her legs around him and gasped when he sunk deeper inside her.

He began to kiss her neck, noting how on the edge she was when her breathing became shallow and her entire body tensed beneath him. He continued to fondle her breast before he began to stroke here clit, kissing her powerfully as his thrusts grew frantic. He knew before she started moaning that she was in the throes of her orgasm; her entire body tensed, her face flushed, and he thought for a moment that she stopped breathing. Wanting to ride her orgasm with her, he thrust inside her one more time, hard, and groaned when her muscles tightened against him as he reached his own release.

Robert was more concerned with her now as he pulled out gently, inspecting the look of bliss on her face, the afterglow quickly taking affect. She simply laid there, exhausted, and he watched her chest rise and fall with each heavy breath. She was beautiful, in this soft lighting, he decided, as he disposed of the condom properly. When he returned to bed, she still hadn't moved and he chuckled softly as he joined her, gently running his fingers along her skin; every so often he would kiss her, waiting until she came back down to earth. Finally, he smiled when she looked over at him. "Hey."

"Hey."

"You all right?"

She nodded slowly and curled up against him, her head resting against his chest; she lazily drew circles and lines on his skin as he mirrored the action on her back gently. "I'm fantastic."

He smiled. "It didn't hurt too bad, did it?"

April shook her head. "No, it didn't. You were fine, Robert. I would have told you if something was wrong."

"Good."

She looked up at him, slightly nervous now. "Was I all right?"

"You were fantastic. Don't worry about me."

April sighed before she kissed his chest gently, loving the closeness after such an intimate act. "I'm sorry."

"About what?"

"The sheets."

"No," he whispered gently, kissing her forehead gently. "They're just sheets. That can be taken care of easily. Besides, it's common to bleed during your first time."

"Yeah?"

He nodded. "Don't worry."

"I'm going to be sore tomorrow, aren't I?"

"Yeah."

She only murmured softly in response. "So worth it."

He smiled when she yawned. "Let's get some sleep."

"Okay."

Robert had thought he would be the one to fall asleep immediately after sex, but she must have been so exhausted from today and sex that sleep was exactly what she needed. He didn't mind, however, and kissed her forehead gently before he fell asleep moments later, thankful that she was finally his and they had reached this moment of perfect unity.


	26. Sisterly Love

**A/N: So I want your guys opinion. I have two planned endings for this story, one that wraps it up in a couple chapters (which I already have written and they're ready to post if you guys choose that) and then I have another one which will stretch it out for I don't know how long. What I could do is take the stretched out version and write it as a sequel to this one because it'll all flow pretty nicely. Just let me know what you guys think. Honestly I'm leaning to the stretched out version being a sequel, but I still want to know what you guys think.**

She woke up the next morning, rested, groggy, and calm. Even though she hadn't fallen asleep in her bed - but his - she had earned a good night's sleep. When she opened her eyes and took in the soft morning light, she scowled. He wasn't in bed with her, nor was he even in the bedroom or the adjacent bathroom. April didn't need to think; she knew what they had done last night, and the only thing that ashamed her about any of it was the bloodstain on the sheets. She searched the room, frantically, before she heard a sink fall in the kitchen and a few loud expletives.

Sighing, she moved from the bed and was clothed within a minute before she stared down at the bloodstain again and shook her head. He had told her not to worry, that they were only sheets, but she couldn't help it. They were his sheets, not hers. With a sigh, she opened the bedroom door and found him in the kitchen, cooking something that smelled delicious even from where she stood. Smiling, she leaned against the door frame and watched him cook. He had not noticed she was there and she felt like a bystander at the zoo, watching an animal in his natural habitat.

Finally, he looked up from the pan and saw her; immediately, he smiled. "Oh. Hey."

"Hey."

"Good morning."

She never had seen a happier smile in her entire life; she was forced to smile, a natural reflex. "How long have you been up?"

"Half hour," he answered, wondering why she hadn't moved from the door frame - why there was distance between them right now when there really shouldn't be. It scared him slightly, to the point where he scowled and stood frozen in his spot. "I...I'm making breakfast."

April sensed a shift, a break from the normal confidence she saw with him. She was so concerned by it that she pushed off the door frame and walked into the kitchen, staring at him from a much smaller distance. There was worry etched in his brow, worry that shouldn't be there. "Robert?"

"Yes?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

She sighed. "You know, I know you a lot better than that. We went over this a while back. I know something is not right."

"It's nothing, really." He smiled and kissed her gently. "Do you want some breakfast?"

Before she could question him further, he turned around toward the pan which he was using to cook french toast. She surveyed the counter and smiled at the powdered sugar and strawberries. "You remembered?"

He nodded. "Of course."

April smiled and turned to view the food; she was surprised to hear he remembered something she had told him on one of their first dates. He had taken her to a small restaurant that was family owned - and served everything at any time of the day - and they had discussed favorite over, well, their favorite dishes. She had told him that growing up her father would always make french toast once a month because they switched off the sisters' favorite food dishes. On each Saturday they would have something that each sister chose: pancakes the first saturday, eggs the second, waffles the third, and french toast the fourth. Her father had joked that not only did it appease all his girls, but they kept up variety so no one got bored of one specific food. April couldn't believe Robert had remembered that story, and she couldn't help but smile at him again, the way he had paid attention to her even before he knew he loved her. "I just...You really remembered that?"

"Yes," he answered, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "I pay attention to everything you say."

"Well that's sweet of you."

"I'm a sweet guy." He smiled when she chuckled. "Here. Take a seat. The french toast is almost done, anyway."

She allowed him to pull out the chair for her before she sat down, turning around so she could watch him cook. "Are you glad that it's not just you that you have to cook for anymore?"

"Oh, yeah." He dipped the bread in the mix before he dropped it on the pan. "How many pieces of toast do you want, April?"

"How many have you made so far?"

"Two."

"Is that a third?"

"Yes."

"Three's fine." She paused for a moment before she smiled. "Robert?"

"Yes?" He flipped the french toast and turned to face her as it sizzled against the pan.

"Where did you learn how to cook?"

"Well, for one I taught myself over the years. Trying things out is one of life's greatest lessons," he answered. "So I would try things out and if they didn't work, I didn't do them again. I learned quickly what I did and didn't like. Plus, my mom taught me how to cook. She stayed at home with me and my sister when we were growing up because my dad was on the road a lot with hockey games. Every night she would have me start the meal and she would help me as I went. There were a lot of nights when I just cooked dinner for the whole family so my mother could relax after a long day."

"Yeah?"

Robert nodded. "I did. I've been a good guy all along."

"Is that...natural?"

He turned back to the pan and took the french toast out, putting it on the plate. He glanced at her every so often as he sprinkled on powdered sugar, strawberry sauce, and a few strawberries in for good measure. Grabbing a fork and knife, he turned to her and gently slid the plate in front of her. He kissed her before he asked, "Do you want something to drink?"

"What do you have?"

"Orange juice, water, milk."

"Milk is great."

Moments later he set a full glass before her and smiled, sitting down beside her as she slowly delved into the breakfast he had made for her. "What do you mean by natural?"

"Well...behavior can be debated as nature or nurture, or a mixture of both."

"Ah." He nodded. "Well, my parents...They came from a generation where respect was very important. And you respected your partner and people around you because that's just what you did. If you wanted to be treated with respect, you had to treat others with respect; otherwise, in my family, no one would respect you. Besides, I was the kind of kid growing up where I never wanted to be a bad guy. I wanted to be nice to everyone and treat everyone with respect. I mean...I can be a jerk when I want to be, but-"

"You can be an amazing guy when you want to be, too."

He smiled. "Yes, I can."

"I like that about you." She stopped before she took a bite of the french toast piece she had cut and said, "Correction: I _love _that about you."

He smiled. "I'll never get tired of hearing that, you know."

"Don't worry. I won't, either." She eyed him carefully. "Are you going to watch me eat?"

"No," he answered quickly, standing up and walking back to the pan where he began to make himself a batch. He smiled when he felt her gaze around him and, as soon as he started his own, he turned to face her. "Is it good?"

"Fantastic."

"Good. Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah?"

"What did your dad do in March, when there are sometimes five Saturdays in that month?" He smiled when she chuckled softly with a shrug. "Did he just keep the pattern going and you'd start over?"

"I think so. I don't really remember," she answered. "It has been a while since I've lived at home."

"Yeah. Columbus is a long way from Seattle."

"You talk to your sister every week, how about your parents? Do you talk to them that often?"

"About every week or every other week. It just depends on my hours at the hospital," April told him. A few minutes later, he joined her with his own plate of food and she asked, "You don't like strawberries and powdered sugar?"

"I'm more a syrup person, honestly." He grabbed the bottle on the table and drowned his french toast, smiling when she gave a disgusted groan. "Hey, I could say the same thing about your powdered sugar."

"No. Powdered sugar is sweet and tastes good. Syrup is sticky and carmelly and doesn't taste good."

Robert shook his head and began to eat his french toast. "To each his own."

"So...Are you working today?"

"I have to go in for a night shift that'll last until tomorrow morning," he answered after a few moments. "And then I have a endoscopy at seven in the morning and then I'm going to come home, shower, and rest for a little bit. Why?"

"Well..."

Her pause troubled him slightly. "What?"

"Remember my sister, Kimmie?"

"The one who you thought was calling you last time?"

"That's the one." She sighed when he waved her on to continue while they both continued to eat. After a few moments, she told him, "She's coming out tonight."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. And she's staying for a couple of days because she wants to see me and hang out and do sisterly bonding things," April told him. "And...And I've been telling her about us and the fact that we're dating and...She wants to know if it's all right if she meets you."

"Of course it's all right. Why wouldn't it be?" He stopped after he realized the answer to his own question; looking down at his plate, he sighed heavily before he looked back up at her. "It's the age difference again, isn't it? I thought we got over that and-"

"You're only slightly younger than my father."

"I'm in my late forties," he told her after a moment. "Only a few years away from fifty."

"Fine," she conceded. "Then you're at most fifteen years younger than my father."

"Is that a problem?"

"Not for me, it's not," she told him. Last night, it definitely hadn't been a problem. She couldn't imagine her first time any other way - without an experienced and caring hand to guide her. "But...for other people it might be."

"People like your sister?"

"Or my own parents," she answered. "They've...They've always wanted me to date someone closer to my own age range."

"Age is just number."

"I know that," April told him, feeling like he was going on the defensive; his exasperated tone bothered her, and she wished she had never brought any of this up. He sounded like he had when she first broke up with him, and that was a long way away from what they were last night. "I just...I want you to know that they might-"

"Not like me because I'm older?"

"They just might be a little leery, is all. I just...I don't want you to be surprised."

Robert sighed and decided now was not the time to pick an argument and put her on the spot; if her family treated him one way - because of a biological factor - there was nothing she could do about besides beg them to stop and put her foot down. He was certain she would do that for them; she had proven to him last night - by allowing him the honor of being her first - that she cared for him and would fight for them. That was all he could ask of her. "So...When does your sister's flight get in?"

"Tonight at eight."

"I'm sorry but I won't be able to meet you guys. I...I have to work," he told her. "But tomorrow morning I'd be happy to meet you two for breakfast somewhere."

"I'd like that."

"Is Kimmie younger or older?"

"Younger by a year," April told him. "She'll be happy to come meet you."

"If you want," he offered after a moment, "you can bring her in to meet me at work when you pick her up but I can only give you a couple minutes of my time. I have a consultation with a doctor from Johns Hopkins tonight, so..."

"I don't want to disturb you at work."

"Well, the offer's open if you want to take it. Just make sure you page me before you come over so I can tell you if it's a good time or not."

April smiled. "You'd really meet my sister?"

"Yes," he answered. "I love you. And part of loving you is eventually meeting your family. Now's the perfect time. Does...Does she know that we...?'

April laughed. "I just woke up, Robert. No one besides us knows that we had sex last night. Which, reminds me, how long will I have to wait before we can have sex again?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I'm sore," she answered after a moment. "How long do we have to wait before that goes away?"

"Honestly, we can do it whenever, but if we don't wait a little bit you're going to be sore and it could hurt," he told her. "It's possible to still feel pain after the first time, April. But that goes away after a few times."

"Really?"

He shrugged. "Depends on who it is. It's different for everyone."

"I wish there was this one solution that's the same for everyone."

"Me too." He smiled. "Sure would make everything a lot simpler, wouldn't it?"

"So..." April wasn't sure why, but she felt the need to change the subject away from sex right now - as it was so fresh in her mind - and right now, not having sex made her want it more. It seemed to be the only thing on her brain right now, mostly because she wanted to feel him love her again. "Because you aren't working today - and I'm not working today - I think we should do something."

He smiled. "I'd like that."

* * *

><p>April smiled as she watched her sister walk off the tarmac. Although they were close in age, she and her sister looked nothing alike. Kimmie was shorter, more petite with lean muscle from her dancing days. She had short, blonde hair and green eyes and her personality couldn't be more different. Kimmie had an adventurous personality to her, one that April had never been able to match over the years, except for in rare moments when a burst of adrenaline propelled her to actions that were not like her at all. She gave her sister a hug and a smile, however, because she hadn't seen her in forever.<p>

And despite their phone conversations, she had missed her sister. "How was your flight?"

"Long and boring," Kimmie answered with a laugh - perky, just like her older sister. "Can I tell you how annoying some people can be? This guy kept kicking my seat."

"Did you give me a beat down?"

Kimmie's eyebrows raised at the suggestion. "Discipline is not like you."

"Chief resident now," April told her sister proudly. "Discipline and enforcement is required to be a good one. I'm learning, slowly."

"I wish I could see you in action," Kimmie told her, smiling as they linked arms and began to walk toward the baggage claim together.

"Yeah," April agreed. "Libby always was more of a disciplinarian between us."

"But," her sister told her, slinging her carry on over her shoulder, "what I really want to see is this boyfriend of yours. What's his name again?"

"Robert."

"Does Robert have a last name, or is it just Robert like Sonny and Cher?"

April smiled. "Stark. His last name is Stark."

"Wait!" She stopped their walking in the middle of a crowded area, forcing everyone to walk around them, agitated by the sudden stop. "This guy...Is this the same one that you spent _weeks _complaining about because he kept blowing you off? _That _guy?"

"Same guy."

"April!" She hit her sister on the arm before she pulled her along and they began to walk again. With a scoff and a sigh, she asked, "I thought he was a total jackass toward you?"

"He was."

"April-"

"And the key word there is 'was,'" April reminded her quickly. "He's changed. He...Those were just walls that he put up because he didn't want to get hurt again. That's all. It's not like he was being malicious just for the hell of it."

"But he was being malicious."

April shook her head. "I would have done the same thing."

"He acted like a child."

"He did," April agreed. "But, you know Kimmie, he does work with children on a daily basis. Kinda hard not to pick up their habits."

"I can't believe you guys are dating now. I thought you didn't even like him that?"

"Not to begin with," she answered, smiling now at where they had started and how far they had come. She couldn't believe that she had gone from hating him to liking him to hating again and now she loved him and he loved her back. And it was all so perfect and amazing that it still felt like a dream to her. "But...eventually I started to. And...Here we are."

"And where is that?"

April smiled. "I love him."

"You do?" Kimmie smiled when April nodded. "First time for you, right?"

"No. There was that boy in high school. You know, the one I never got up the courage to ever talk to?"

"Pining away from a distance is not the same as openly loving someone and having that love reciprocated," Kimmie told her; despite her adventurous personality, she was still the most mature out of any of the sisters besides Libby. Years of adventure - and learning from those experiences - had taught her a lot, and lessons of love was one of the main subjects she frequently studied - sometimes with reckless abandon.

"Well I love him openly and he loves me, too."

"He told you that?"

"He did."

"And he means it?"

April scowled. "Kimmie, is this you talking or Dad? Because I really can't tell with you anymore."

"I'm just being a protective sister. That's my job, you know."

April smiled after a moment, remembering the night before. "He definitely means it. Not a doubt in my mind."

"I'd like to meet him, after I get settled into my hotel room, of course."

"I don't think you'll be able to see him until tomorrow morning."

"No?"

"No," April answered. "He's working a night shift and he won't get out until eight o'clock tomorrow morning. He said he'd meet us for breakfast if we wanted him to."

Kimmie smiled. "Have him do that. Libby and Alice can't wait for give me the 4-1-1 on this guy."

"Sounds good."

* * *

><p>Robert met the next morning at a small, local diner which wasn't hustling and bustling like he half expected; but, after all, it was a weekday. Were they to come in here on a Saturday or Sunday, he was certain they would never have found a seat. Because there was barely anyone in the restaurant at eight, he found April quickly. She was sitting in a booth with her sister - a woman who resembled nothing like her older sister. From this distance he could see similarities in the way they carried themselves or how they both laughed at a joke.<p>

He smiled and walked toward them. Kimmie seemed to be surprised to see him, but didn't alert April of his presence; he placed a gentle hand on April's shoulder and smiled when she almost jumped away from him. "Didn't mean to scare you."

Her face immediately turned to a grin as she stood and greeted him with a soft kiss - completely unashamed of their relationship in public. "Robert, this is my sister, Kimmie. Kimmie, this is Robert."

He turned to her sister and smiled at her warmly - something he wasn't capable of in the workplace - and gently shook her hand. "It's nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you."

"I could say the same for you."

April shot her sister a cold look at the protective and suspicious tone in Kimmie's voice; even though she was a year younger, she had her sister's back. Even though April knew Robert had heard the edge in her voice - because nothing could get past him - she tried to cover up the moment by chuckling softly and sitting back down, pulling him down beside her in the booth. "How'd that endoscopy go this morning?"

"Kid's got cancer," he answered as he picked up a menu. "Golfball size tumor in his stomach."

Kimmie scowled. "You sound so nonchalant about it."

"You can't afford to get attached in our profession," he told her gently, remembering JJ's death and how he was certain he would have drank his pain away were it not for April's strong and unwavering presence beside him. "You get attached and the kid dies and bad things happen."

"Is he going to die?"

"No," he answered. "I hope not, anyway. Surgery to remove the tumor is scheduled for next week."

"Need an extra set of hands?"

He smiled at April, who had asked the question, because she was probably looking for any excuse to be near him professionally as well as personally; not that he blamed her, after all. He had proven to be quite a catch. "As much as I'd love that, I have to give the interns a chance to learn, too. They have to start somewhere."

Somehow the conversation had turned to sports and the differences between Seattle and Columbus, and Kimmie was beginning to see why her sister was attracted to this older surgeon. Not only was he smart and successful, but he had a certain charm that wasn't too exuberant nor barely there. He could be charming and polite at the same time he was complaining about something - like the constant rain - and he treated April not as a subordinate, but as his equal, allowing her to lean on him and throw ideas out there about anything and everything. The age difference had bothered Kimmie slightly at first - because this wasn't anything she expected - but she was beginning to not notice it, and see him for the man he was.

If there was anything she pulled from this meeting, it was that he loved April with all his heart, and that made him all right in her book.

Before another topic could be started and deeply progressed into, his pager suddenly went off and he was forced to excuse himself. Kimmie smiled as she watched him go, turning her gaze to her sister who didn't turn back around until her boyfriend had completely left the diner. When April looked back at her sister, Kimmie was slightly surprised by the giddy smile on her face. "He means a lot to you, doesn't he?"

"He does."

Kimmie nodded slightly. "I like him. He's not that bad."

April smiled. "He's everything I could ever want."


	27. A Proposal

**A/N: I'm just saying screw it and I'm posting this chapter and the last one. I think the waiting is killing me more than it's killing you guys. So, enjoy three chapters in one day!**

Months seemed to pass like seconds. April could still vividly remember their first night together, how she had fallen asleep in his arms, exhausted and content at the same time. She had woken up in the middle of the night to find that he still held her, his breath steady and smooth, like nothing had troubled him. She had been so content in that moment of silence and unity that she was certain nothing would feel better.

She found out, now, that she was mistaken. Somehow, along the progression of their romance, her things had found their way into his apartment. It had started out innocently enough; he had given her a key to his apartment because she came over so often and he wanted her to be able to get in and out as she pleased. Then she had brought pajamas over here so she could sleep comfortably. A toothbrush followed with shampoo and conditioner. Then more clothes had found their way into empty dressers and a closet that he had cleared for her until she had moved out of Meredith's house completely. And she was helping him pick out a new couch for his living room and she was cooking meals for him - learning new things every day about him and the way he operated.

And she only loved him more for it, especially the way he would start a Saturday - when he had it free - by leaning against the headboard with the newspaper and reading glasses while she studied new procedures and techniques for surgeries. As ridiculous as it was, she loved the way he would hum tunes from old television shows when he cleaned. Or the way he never turned the heat up but instead threw on a sweatshirt - giving her one, too - and would wrap her in his arms, cuddling on the couch until they both fell asleep to the theme song from Three's Company or Andy Griffith - and sometimes if she had her way, The Nanny.

Professionally, he had maintained excellent self-control with her, shutting down attempted advances in the on-call room on multiple occasions because she simply hadn't been able to keep her hands off him. Robert had done a fantastic job separating their professional and personal lives, leaving the personal at home and the professional at work. In his apartment she rarely ever saw the snide, sarcastic surgeon she was used to at work - unless he was feeling defensive and that was his way of going on the offensive. A simple look from her could shut that tone down easily, however. April was surprised with his ability to differentiate between personal and professional, but she loved it. She loved that she could maintain a respectable working relationship with everyone at work and come home and have a respectable personal relationship with him. And she loved that they were perhaps the only couple in the hospital who didn't engage in public displays of affection or feel the need to get it on in the on-call room.

They were two respectable, professional adults.

They contrasted wonderfully with all the other couples, and it was all so perfect. Quirky in comparison, but absolutely perfect for her.

It was the wonderful, the way the bickered about what old movie they would watch or who got to pick what they were having for dinner. April never thought she would be the kind of girl who loved arguing about toothpaste - about how he squeezed from the middle and not the end - or how he would argue with her about the radio and why the hell they couldn't listen to NPR in the morning instead of country music. April loved how he would dance around the apartment late at night after a complex surgery, pleased with himself that everything had gone right. And she certainly didn't mind consoling him - a side of him she knew she was the only one who got to see - when a surgery didn't go well and he had lost a patient.

But what she loved the most about him, she decided, was that he would compromise with her. It wasn't his way or the highway - and every argument, no matter how heated or how strongly their opinions differed, wouldn't make him love her any less.

One night after sex - which had only gotten better as time had passed - she had thrown on an old Harvard Med School t-shirt of his that barely covered her underwear and had curled up in bed beside him, staring at up at the ceiling while he flipped through a novel by Hemingway - which contrasted from a Vonnegut novel he had finished reading the night before. His repertoire of reading had grown since she moved in and she had seen everything from Shakespeare to Kerouac. April knew he wouldn't have started reading as much as he did if it wasn't for her weekly trips to the library where she would pick up sappy romance novels and a few novels he had requested.

April sighed, content, and turned her head so she was staring at him. His reading glasses fell off the bridge of his nose as he looked down at her and she laughed softly. "It's so weird."

"What?" Despite their closeness over the past few months, he worried every so often that she would consider this relationship weird and walk away; he wasn't sure he would survive it if she left him. But those moments of panic were rare and fleeting. The last time he had it, it was the morning after they first made love. It was a good thing he trusted her completely and knew she wasn't going to walk away.

"You," she told him. "Wearing reading glasses."

"Well, get used to it. My vision's only going to get worse." He chuckled and slipped his bookmark in the pages to mark his spot. "In fact, there might come a day when I don't wear glasses except for when I go to bed."

"I think I can get used to that."

"You'd better." With a soft groan, he threw the book on the floor and rolled over so he was on his back; he took her hand gently in his own as they simply laid there, staring up at the ceiling together, like they were staring at the endless stars that were more finite than this relationship. He wasn't sure what it was - perhaps their closeness or maybe he was sure it was meant to be after months together (he still counted their time off as "together") - that made him want to find a finite end to their relationship, but he asked gently, "April?"

"Hm?"

"Marry me."

"What?" She tilted her head toward him, surprised; that was the last thing she expected. She simply laid there, taking in his request and steady, calm, stare - the same stare he used when he had asked her out before his eyes averted hers when he thought she might reject him.

"Marry me," he repeated, more confident this time than the last - and he didn't look away from her.

"Marry you? Like in a church before everyone and God and become man and wife?"

"We wouldn't have to get married in a church," he told her with a shrug. "We could go down to the Justice of the Peace for all I cared. Just...Marry me."

April only chuckled, unsure what to say as she stared at him; moments later she was staring at the ceiling again, smirking gently to think that she used to be so afraid of staring up at this ceiling. "Marry you?"

"Yes."

"I don't know what to say."

"Say...Say you'll think about it." That had seemed to be a common phrase between them; as time had progressed, however, he still was doing things at her pace - and wouldn't do anything with her consent - but he was taking a little more now, asking things of her. She hadn't seemed to mind; after all, he was only asking her to _think _about it. It's not like he was asking for a definite answer now.

She nodded slowly and knew he wouldn't pressure her into a response; if she agreed, they would have the rest of their lives together. He could - and would - wait for her, because that was the man that he was, and he was a good man. The least she could do was agree to at least think about it because he had taken so much concern for her in the past. "Okay."

"Okay, yes? Or, okay you'll think about it?"

"Okay, I'll think about it." She met his smile before she asked, "Want to go again?"

She didn't have to ask twice.


	28. A Professional Discussion Pt 2

**A/N: This entire fanfiction was originally supposed to only be a one-shot, showing them being just a little bit more than colleagues with a hope of something more. Well, it's definitely more now! **

**In all seriousness, I never could have imagined this story progressing the way it has, and I want to thank everyone for reading and reviewing, because it really has meant a lot to me. You guys have kept me writing even in times when I thought writer's block would kill me. I'm so glad with how this story has progressed and it wouldn't be possible without you guys.**

**From the bottom of my heart, thank you.**

**Oh, and btw, I feel this conclusion is fitting with the title of this fanfic and what happened in the first chapter. Enjoy, and thanks again for this wonderful ride!**

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><p>Even though she had yet to give him an answer - and it had been a week - April knew Robert wouldn't brush her off at work. Now that he had her in his life, she knew he had no intention of pushing her away and losing her again just because she needed a little time. If anything, he had been extra sweet to her the past few days, lending her a hand on a few cases and even showing her new, effective techniques on how to lay down the law with new interns who thought they were hot stuff.<p>

She would still catch him staring at her from a distance because - and she was so proud of this - he couldn't keep his eyes off the woman he loved. She would return his stare for a brief second before she smiled at the slight blush when she caught him looking. Robert would stare at her for a few more moments before he would turn away, content until he needed to feel presence again.

Finally, after catching him staring at her from across the cafeteria, she grabbed her soda from the rat pack - the term of endearment (or scorn) Robert had given their group of Meredith, Alex, Lexie, Cristina, Avery, and herself - and walked over to him. He was smiling at her gently as she sat down. "Afternoon, Dr. Stark."

His eyebrows raised, surprised, but he continued with her game. "Afternoon, Dr. Kepner. You come over here to discuss a case?"

"Sort of."

"What's on your mind?"

"Well, Dr. Stark," she shifted in her chair before she met his gaze; it was so hard not to smile at him, at the eyes that looked both panicked and amused. "It's more of matters of the heart than complex surgery."

"Ah. Well as a doctor - strictly - I'm not sure how I can help you."

"Mind if I still bounce some things off you?"

"Not at all," he answered. The last time they had done this, she had told him - or rather, Dr. Stark - that she wasn't ready to tell him that she loved him. Though this conversation scared him, he was anxious to get it over with and nervous because of the potential feelings that could tap-dance on his heart.

"See, I have this boyfriend and over the past few months...We've just grown really close. And, you know, he's amazing and everything I could ever ask for and...We just...we click, you know?"

"I think I might," he answered, smiling. "But keep going."

"Well, the thing is, Dr. Stark, a week ago he asked me to marry him. And...And I've been thinking about it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sure that's all he asked of you, all he could ever want from you." Robert leaned back against his chair. "And what conclusion have you reached?"

"I think - no, I'm positive - that I'm going to say yes."

He smiled. "Ah. So...Until you give him your answer, you're not technically engaged, are you?"

April returned his smile and shook her head. "Somehow I feel like he knows that I'm saying yes."

"Well," he leaned forward and smiled at her, "Congratulations, Dr. Kepner. You deserve all the happiness in the world, and your fiancee - well, damn - I think he is the luckiest man alive."

"No. I'm the lucky one." April couldn't help but grin. He had made her feel...She couldn't find the words to describe something she had never experienced before. It was like she had found her soul mate.


End file.
